kookicat

The cold woke her. She opened her eyes without moving her head, and blinked several times. It didn’t help- the room she was in was pitch black. Where the hell am I? She thought, sitting up. She was shaking with cold. To warm herself, she stood and started pacing. Two steps was all she took before she slammed into the wall. Instantly, her breathing accelerated. She’d suffered from claustrophobia since she was a child and had spent a full day trapped in her Aunt‘s basement. Trembling, she stretched out a hand and brushed her fingers over the wall.

Instead of the rough brick that she’d expected, she felt cold smooth steel. Without taking her hand from the wall, she turned and walked forward. This time, she managed five steps before she hit the wall. Adrenaline flooded her system, leaving her trembling and weak. She felt sick, too hot but chilled at the same time. The walls felt like they were pressing down on her. She wondered if the room was sealed… she could feel herself chocking as the air ran out… gasping for every breath was a hard won battle.

She heard a door open somewhere close behind her. It snapped her out of her terror and absurdly, she was almost grateful for the distraction. The feeling didn’t last long. The door closed with a heavy thud the sounded like the ringing of a death bell. She thought, This could be it. I could die today, and no-one would know that I was dead. For the first time in her life, she knew what it felt like to be vulnerable and hated it. The feeling crashed over her so suddenly it left her shaking.

Bright light spilled into the room, fully lighting the tiny prison. She swore and screwed her eyes closed. The light still burned through her lids. She was forced to cover her face with her hands because the light was so bright. Gradually, carefully, she removed her hands and inched her eyes open. He spoke without looking at her, taking it for granted that she would obey his commands. “Sit down.” She remained standing, pushing him. He whirled around, rage contorting his face. “I said, sit down!” When she hesitated, he slapped her, hard enough to snap her head back against the wall. She tasted blood and knew he'd split her lip as he'd hit her. She wiped it away with the back of her hand and smiled grimly, as she looked him in the eye. She saw pure madness there and knew that she’d be lucky to leave the building alive.

She sat, drawing her knees to her chest- not for protection, but to keep herself warm. Scowling up at him from the floor, she asked “What do you want?”

“Me? I don’t want nothing.” He smiled maliciously “I just got myself a new plaything is all.”

“I’m not your plaything.” She snapped unwisely. His eyes went cold, and she realised that she had just made a big mistake.

“No? Well, Darlin’ we’ll see about that.” He dragged her to her feet, and slammed her back against the icy wall. She flinched away from his as he trailed dirty fingers down her face. He put a finger on her lips and she opened her mouth a little. “Now, that’s more like it.” He said, slipping his finger into her mouth. She bit down hard, forcing a cry of agony from him. He clutched his bitten finger in his other hand. She spat his blood from her mouth, enjoying the moment of power over him.

She paled as he pulled his gun out of the middle of the back holster he was wearing. He forced he to lift her head by placing to gun under her chin.

“Now, you’re gonna pay for that girl.” He raised the gun to her face, caressing her with the cold steel.

“Am I really? I’m shaking.” The sarcasm was borne out of fear, not defiance.

"I don't believe you, you know." His voice was almost friendly, but it had a hard edge. "Oh, I know that you're not scared of me, but what about your Mom, or little Chloe? Think they'll have the same attitude as you have? That's what you're afraid of, darlin’." He said with a knowing smirk.

"If you hurt my family, I will kill you." she said.

"It's not a case of if," he said "it's a case of when." His voice sounded strange. He wasn’t angry or upset. In fact he sounded very calm.

"Keep the hell away from me and my family." she said quietly, but forcefully. There was fire in her eyes.

"Oh yeah, that'll work. Now say pretty please." he said sarcastically.


Not quite sure where it's going yet. Also, sorry about my first po.st being in the wrong place

crzywriter

It's not bad. Could very easily slip into cliche, though, so watch yourself.

Ah, one thing I'd like to point out. When you get a surge of adrenaline, you don't feel weak and trembling...its exactly the opposite in fact.

ANyhow, good stuff.

kookicat

Thanks- i'll change the adrenaline bit.

Any tips on how to steer clear of cliche?

K

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Aerial (working title)

valeca

Just to add to crzy's post...

...the weakness and trembling is a side effect of the adrenaline rush...but it happens after, not during. Perhaps use that at the end.

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"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

kookicat

Thanks, I actually realized that after posting the fragment on here. I'm

Blonde moment anyone?

Stacy

I like that this begins with a description of the character's fear. Someone (Kurt Vonneget, maybe?) said that in order to begin a story, you must have your character want something, even if that something is as small as a glass of water. Here we meet your main character wanting comfort, reassurance, familiarity, and a bit more space.

What could use some work is that it takes a long time to get into the story. Since so much of this excerpt is fear, it is difficult to get a sense of where this is going on, who these characters are, and what their relationship is to each other. If you leave your reader confused for too long, you'll lose them.

kookicat

Thanks!

Does this help to clear up the confusion issue? (If this post is filled with spelling mistakes, please forgive me. I've just finished a 16 hour shift at work.)

((This carries on directly after the bit above.))

He simply laughed at her outburst. And then he did something truly terrifying.

He walked away, closed the door and left her alone in the dark.

*******

Things weren’t supposed to go down like this. She had been assigned to the Reynolds case because she had a reputation for being one of the best undercover agents available to the squad. With more than 10 successful operations under her belt, she had the experience, the talent and the looks to break the case.

She was tall, with an athletes body that looked a little too thin most of the time. No matter what she wore, she looked good in it. The only problem was that she preferred jeans and a tee shirt to posh dresses and heels. Dark hair and green eyes made her striking rather then beautiful.

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Aerial (working title)