Welcome to the Underworld - Writers Forum

Lusastrium · 04-25-2005, 12:50 AM

Welcome to the Underworld

The River Styx

Near the river Styx, the lost souls whom have not been granted their sentence stand looking at the over side, always hoping to cross into the underworld and into the Island of Bliss, the most joyful place in Elysium. Before the river Styx, there are many spirits whose physical forms have not been granted their burial must wait for a century before to pass to the next great adventure. There are myriad types of people who wait to be ferried across by Charon. Waiting are people of all classes, or all backgrounds who have by death been rendered to perfect equality to each other.

A damned soul that has been forced to wait was the seeress once called Hesper of Delphi. Unlike the other souls that wait with desperation to cross the river Styx, she does not look at the crossing of the River with hope, but with trepidation. In her past life, she had long flowing golden hair and piercing blue eyes. Death has turned her hair a silvery gray and her eyes have turned into unfocused black irises. The manner of her death was tragic, after her crimes and betrayal of the light, her former friend Mikhal Nelos was left with no choice but to kill her.

Hesper needs not wait long. After she waits for just a few days at the river’s bank, a messenger of the underworld approaches her. Within the underworld, there is a misconception that all parts of hell are ruled by demons. In fact, most of the underworld is controlled by entities that today could be associated most with the beings known as Dark angels. One such Dark angel is sent to be a guide to Hesper through her journey through the afterlife until she reaches her proper place within the Underworld.

This Dark Angel can be considered strange even in the standards of the dark angels. Dark angels, by their nature usually try to express what they are without any subtlety. This Dark Angel hides his face under a black hood and has a dark black robe covering his entire body. Hesper looks at him and asks, “What do you want?”

The Dark Angel replies, “It seems that you have been given a free ticket into hell. You don’t need to wait to pass through the river Styx.”

Hesper then says, “And what if I do not with to pass the river Styx?”

Dark angel states, “You know little about this place you are in Hesper. In hell, it doesn’t matter what you wish, but what you are told to do by powers greater than you.”

Hesper questions, “Very well, but could you at least tell me your name?”

The Dark angel said, “It doesn’t matter. I am simply your guide to hell.”

Hesper says, “You do know, oh omniscient dark angel that the oh so pathetic human race feel the need to call others by a name.”

The Dark angel says, “It is an interesting human custom to be sure. If you wish to call me by a name, then call me Grigori.”

Hesper held up her arm and said, “It is nice to meet you then, Grigori.”

Grigori lowered her hand and said, “Hesper of Delphi, what you are about to experience shall destroy such common human traits. The road to hell takes all those who follow it in the end, and you shall be no different. Come, let us pass the river Styx.”

Hesper and Grigori then reached the boat of Charon and they began their ride through the River Styx. As Hesper looked under the black water of the River Styx, she could see just barely a section of the innermost depths of the river. She was able to view the souls of those whom had never been called to the ferry of Charon. Those poor souls, driven mad by waiting, decided to try to cross the river by themselves, and thus their very souls were destroyed. She shudders at the thoughts that those who threw themselves into the river and as she and her guide ride across the Styx; she is suddenly assaulted by a vision of the future.

Hesper is present near the center of the cave in which she died. Her friend, Mikhal Nelos sits near her body, moving his hand across her hair and across her now ghostly white cheeks. She sees him taking out a knife and begins to cut himself. As his blood slips from his body, he looks in a morbid fascination of the blood flowing from his wounds.

Hesper is violently pushed out of her view of the future as she pushed back into reality by a rough shove by Grigori. She gets up from her slumber quickly and looks around at her surroundings.

Grigori says to her, “You’ve passed through the River Styx Hesper. But your journey has only just begun…
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What do you think?

Kimberly Bird · 04-26-2005, 05:06 PM

Hi Lusas, how are you. What do I think... I liked this a lot. I think more detail needs to be added at the beginning. It is a bit disjointed. Maybe hell should be added at the beginning of the first paragragh to show that these lost souls are lost because they were evil in life as you state afterwards.

I liked that Hesper was thinking about her death as she crossed the River Styx, but I think more detail here should be added, fear, remorse at realizing her friend died because of her?

You are on a roll, and I wish you luck with the rest. I'm curious to know what kind of a journey this woman will go on. You say it is an adventure, but of what kind...

Take care.
Kimberly

The Man in Black · 04-26-2005, 08:21 PM

It was good, I would have liked a little more vivid descriptions of the river and general surroundings than we got though. I also thought it was a little too matter of fact considering the setting, and couldn't really get attached to the character or really empathize with any of her feelings. Its a very interesting premise though, I look forward to seeing where it goes.

Lusastrium · 05-01-2005, 05:34 PM

Welcome to the Underworld

Cerberus

As Grigori and Hesper walked off Charon’s ferry, they stood across a cavernous opening that stretched for nearly 1000 yards high and 2000 yards long. Throughout this cave, there were whitened bones and the remains of flesh. Hesper surveyed the destruction and looked towards one of the victims. That particular victim seemed to have been a young warrior, and was covered in Armour made of metal strips that characterized the Roman Legions. His lower body was missing and she could still see that this poor man was twitching even after he was clearly missing. Near his hands lay a sword, a well-crafted Roman Gladius that was covered within its former owner’s guts. Hesper took the sword from his hand and wiped off the blood with her gray tunic. She put the Gladius within her belt and followed Grigori. She asked Grigori, “What is this place?”

Grigori grimaced and said, “You are within an area of the Underworld that even the angels fear tread. This is the cave of the devourer. Beware, and follow me closely if you wish to not have the fate of the bodies within the ground.”

Hesper then said, “But what could do such a thing to the dead?”

Grigori looked at her and said, “We have not time for this. But seeress, know this is where the monstrous dog Cerberus makes his abode. He can destroy the spirits of the dead, so we must leave this place as fast as we can.”

Hesper nodded and latched on to Grigori’s arm. But suddenly, a drop of some substance touched her cheek. She gave a cry of alarm and wiped the substance off her face. She looked into the light and saw that the substance was blood. As she looked closely at the wall, she could see a wall of human bodies whose flesh had been impaled upon the stalagmites. On the sides of the cave, she could clearly see vast ossuaries of human skulls where the eye sockets still had their eyes within them. She gasped at this horror and drew her Gladius. Grigori looked at her with indignation and said, “Congratulations seeress, you have just alerted the monster Cerberus that we are here. Prepare yourself to fight.”

Grigori took out two kukris that gleamed dark obsidian. Hesper felt the ground pounding as the monster Cerberus approached them. Grigori let down his cowl and cloak and revealed black with red-fringed armor and powerful wings with black feathers. His face had evil looking red colored eyes and silver hair. He glanced towards the growing pounding and said to Hesper, “When Cerberus comes near us, run between its legs. I will distract it to let you get past it. Whatever you do, do not attack it. Do you understand me?”

Hesper whispered, “Yes.”

The monster Cerberus came into view. The only word to describe this beast is titanic. Although the cavern was very large, Cerberus was had a difficult time in fitting within his domain. As he came closer to Grigori and Hesper, one could see his teeth, that were a sickly white color and as big as a catapult. Cerberus’s eyes were a feral yellow color that showed its savagery and its lack of control. Its hide was a shaggy mane of brown hair that was matted with blood. Grigori began to use his wings and launch himself at the monster’s head. Cerberus uttered a roar that shook the cavern and made the stalagmites begin to fall. Hesper began to run between Cerberus’s paws and ducked and twisted as she tried to avoid the falling stalagmites. As she reached the end of the cave, she could see Grigori falling from his place in the sky and Cerberus toying with him, about to deal the killing blow. Hesper looked at her arms and remembered.

Mikhal had acquired an ancient artifact known as the Book of Eternity. He had mastered lots of the portions of the book’s knowledge, but many there were many things that he could not understand. For some reason, he wished to teach Hesper some rudimentary knowledge about ‘soul’ magic, and after he gave Hesper a puppy dog look, she could not resist. Mikhal taught her a spell that would draw upon her spirit to release a burst of pure energy, an arrow of faith as he called it. Hesper thanked him but reminded him that it would soon be time to practice his sword work.
Hesper cast an arrow of faith against Cerberus, and as it touched the demon’s back, it turned around to face her. He then charged against her, trying to crush her to a pulp against the wall. Hesper desperately ran before Cerberus, but she knew in a way that it was futile. A few moments before Cerberus would have crushed her, a black-winged angel swooped from the air and lifted her high from Cerberus’ reach and out of the cavern. Grigori said with vehemence, “I told you not to interfere seeress. If you break the rules of the Underworld, the underworld will break you.”

Hesper replied, “But you were about to get killed. What was I supposed to do?”

Grigori said, “I had everything under control. Cerberus cannot kill me as I cannot kill him. But you interfered, and you may have just ended the journey of other dead souls just like you have nearly ended this world above.”

Hesper angrily said, “I did what I needed to do. Mikhal was no fool who was influenced by power, only if he experienced overpowering emotions would he allow himself to be open to the power and use it to defeat the dark one.”

Grigori smirked and said, “Well your plan worked rather well. The Dark Gryphon is dead, and Mikhal is becoming the Blood Gryphon. You’ve just supplanted one evil with another smarter and better evil. Oh, and did I mention that Cain has just been released into the world. You’ve screwed things up royally seeress.”

Hesper looked amazed, “So, I may have just ended the world?”

Grigori said calmly, “Yes seeress, you may have just ended it. But leave the saving of the world to the living; because you are dead.”

damien_frosst · 05-01-2005, 07:19 PM

This is a comment on the first post only. I'll have to read the next post and comment on that seperately. As always, everything here is my opinion. I'm no expert, but I will comment where I feel I should.

Hesper then says, “And what if I do not with to pass the river Styx?”

I assume you meant "wish" not "with." It'd be funnier if you did mean with. Hesper would then have a lisp. "And what if I do not with to path the wiver Styx?"

A quick note on you dialogue. You're using a lot of qualifiers. Saying things like states, says, replies, and other such qualifiers really isn't necessary. If they're just talking, then you definately don't need them. The reader is familiar with how conversations go.

If they're doing something important. Saying things a certain way, or stressing words, or making actions along with the words, then you could point that out, but even then, it's not necessary to tell the reader everything that's happening - especially if it's unimportant to the plot.

“It doesn’t matter. I am simply your guide to hell.”

Is he a guide "to" hell or "through" hell?

Hesper is violently pushed out of her view of the future as she pushed back into reality by a rough shove by Grigori.

I wouldn't call the afterlife "reality," but that's just a style thing probably.

OVerall, the whole piece is "telling" us what's happening. You're not "showing." By telling everything, "This happened, then this happened," the piece reads choppily and more like a synopsis of what's going on. If you want the writing to flow nicely, you need to try to include the details of people's reactions, and what they're doing, not just that something was done.

As the piece stands, I've no real interest in any of your characters. They're portrayed as little more than cardboard people moving in front of a background of the underworld. If you could move things to more of a "showing" perspective, I think you could make something good out of this piece.

Lusastrium · 05-01-2005, 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by damien_frosst

This is a comment on the first post only. I'll have to read the next post and comment on that seperately. As always, everything here is my opinion. I'm no expert, but I will comment where I feel I should.

Hesper then says, “And what if I do not with to pass the river Styx?”

I assume you meant "wish" not "with." It'd be funnier if you did mean with. Hesper would then have a lisp. "And what if I do not with to path the wiver Styx?"

A quick note on you dialogue. You're using a lot of qualifiers. Saying things like states, says, replies, and other such qualifiers really isn't necessary. If they're just talking, then you definately don't need them. The reader is familiar with how conversations go.

If they're doing something important. Saying things a certain way, or stressing words, or making actions along with the words, then you could point that out, but even then, it's not necessary to tell the reader everything that's happening - especially if it's unimportant to the plot.

“It doesn’t matter. I am simply your guide to hell.”

Is he a guide "to" hell or "through" hell?

Hesper is violently pushed out of her view of the future as she pushed back into reality by a rough shove by Grigori.

I wouldn't call the afterlife "reality," but that's just a style thing probably.

OVerall, the whole piece is "telling" us what's happening. You're not "showing." By telling everything, "This happened, then this happened," the piece reads choppily and more like a synopsis of what's going on. If you want the writing to flow nicely, you need to try to include the details of people's reactions, and what they're doing, not just that something was done.

As the piece stands, I've no real interest in any of your characters. They're portrayed as little more than cardboard people moving in front of a background of the underworld. If you could move things to more of a "showing" perspective, I think you could make something good out of this piece.

That's true I must admit. This story is a bit of a continuation of my main story, which was a branch of another story which is a branch of another story. I'm interesting in finding out how I can 'show' instead of tell. Could you give me a few examples. Finally, I'm sorry about the grammar errors and I will rectify them in due time.

damien_frosst · 05-02-2005, 11:01 PM

And now, a quick comment on the second piece.

There's a lot going on here. And it looks like you're putting a fair bit of backstory into things in a quick and dirty fashion.

I said earlier that I think that this is well done as a synopsis of what's going to happen, or as a summary plan for the actual writing. As a story, it's just not flowing well enough, or with enough real weight for me.

I'm still not feeling anything about your characters. They're just going through the motions of things, and the small bits of backstory that you're adding to them feels more like deus ex machina than real history.

As far as showing and telling, the second post seems to wander between them. In some paragraphs, you've got a tone that's close to showing. The characters are seeing things through their eyes and reacting to the world. In others, you, as the narrator, are telling us what's happening, what actions people are taking and so on. This is telling us what's going on.

While telling things has it's place, it quickly becomes uninteresting to the reader. Showing things allows them to get into the mindset of the characters and to really have a more viceral experience.

As I said before, there's the seeds of something good in here. It just needs to be developed.