Need Help....(Improvement).. - Writers Forum

NYC · 04-24-2005, 03:54 PM

i have posted something on this befor and i need help on something

i want to know if my new start to my story is better than my old one and if it has improved a little bit or if it has not can you please point it out thanks

i will post the old and new here:

Old

It was the year 1255, The night sky was as black as ash the dark sky was also totaly timeless as if time its self semed to stop, the stars that was shining seemed to light up the dark sky like the sun dose the earth in the day. Under those stars a child was born. His parents called him Henry, but that was about all they could give him, a name, because soon after Henrys's birth they were killed. He was born in a very old broken house it had no windows and no door's the cold night air seemed to just move freely in and out of the old cracks in the wood and there was not a single light in the house but a candle with a flame that looked as if it was been thrown to and frow by the cold night wind. A Monk that was good friends with Henrys Parents took baby Henry in when his parents died. The monks name was Richard he was very short and he was a very quiet man who liked to be alone he also had a look of a very kind and old man with a head full of unknown Knolege. When Richard picked up Henry, Richard felt a wave of uneasiness sweep over him as if he was young again full of life and spirit Richard did not know what this strange aura was but he took baby Henry in and braught him to where he lived the Monks Monastry.

New and improved

It was the year 1255, On a cold and windy night. The dark night sky was totaly timeless and motionless as if time itself semed to stop as if it was dead, the stars that was shining seemed light the dark and misserable sky up and give it some colour and life. Under those stars a child was born and the bright stars that gave life to the night sky was no more they had faded away, But the dark night sky was not an empty theywasteland with nothing in it. A Single star remained shineing as bright as a morning sun and shineing over a certain place as if it was specialy made to shine only bright and beautifull on this day. The child that was born was an unusual one because his birth changed the stars forever. His parents called him Henry, but that was about all they could give him, a name, because soon after Henrys's birth were gone without a trace. Henry did not remain alone for long. A dark unusual hooded stranger found Henry at his home all alone and so he took Henry in. The dark hooded stranger was a monk, The monks name was Richard he was very short and was a very quiet man who liked to be alone and had a look of a very kind and old man with a head full of Knolege. When Richard picked up Henry, Richard felt a wave of uneasiness sweep over him as if he was young again full of life and spirit Richard did not know what this strange aura was but he knew that he finaly found what he was looking for. Richard took baby Henry in, he knew he couldnt just leave a child in the middle of no where especially one as unique as him with no one to look after him and so he braught him to where he lived. The Monks Monastry a safe home to many like Richard and many other people wanting a place to call home.

Marsieux · 04-24-2005, 08:27 PM

You didn't really specify what you wanted help on, so I've just decided to edit it. I'm only going to do the new one since you've apparently done the old one.

Quote:

It was the year 1255, On a cold and windy night.

This sentence is awkward (despite your very nice drop cap) and I'd probably go with something like this: It happened on a cold and windy night, back in the year 1255. This may not illustrate the mood you want, but your previous sentence was incorrect.

Quote:

The dark night sky was totaly timeless and motionless as if time...

Don't use the word totally. That's telling us what happened, not showing us and it sounds dumb. Next, you need a comma between motionless and as if.

Quote:

as if time itself semed to stop as if it was dead,

Next, don't use the words as if so often. It's repetitive and boring. Also, the way you used the word was is incorrect. Use the word 'were' instead. Finally, end this sentence with a period.

Quote:

the stars that was shining seemed light the dark and misserable sky up and give it some colour and life.

There's a lot wrong here so I'll just give you an alternate sentence.
The stars illuminated the dark and miserable sky, giving it some color and life.

Quote:

Under those stars a child was born and the bright stars that gave life to the night sky was no more they had faded away,

Okay. After the first 'stars', use a comma to break it up. Once again, 'was' is used incorrectly and should be 'were'. Next, end the sentence after the word 'more'. It's a run-on if you keep going.

Quote:

they had faded away, But the dark night sky was not an empty theywasteland with nothing in it.

Capitalize 'they' and lowercase the word 'But'. After that, you should probably revise the whole sentence. It makes no sense and I don't understand what you're trying to say.

Quote:

A Single star remained shineing as bright as a morning sun and shineing over a certain place as if it was specialy made to shine only bright and beautifull on this day.

First of all, break this up into multiple sentences. It's a run-on and those are bad

. The word 'shineing' is supposed to be spelled as 'shining'.

Once again, don't run-on by using the words 'as if'. You tend to use those to keep the sentence going. It's not a bad thing to write a lot of sentences and you can go without the words 'as if'.

Quote:

The child that was born was an unusual one because his birth changed the stars forever

Although this sentence is grammatically correct, it's boring and ordinary. Spice it up, make it fun and exciting.

Quote:

His parents called him Henry, but that was about all they could give him, a name, because soon after Henrys's birth were gone without a trace

.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but break this sentence up. It's a run-on of two sentences and you could probably use a period before the words 'a name', not commas.

Next, you don't have to tell us that all they could give him was 'a name'. We can assume that and you should toss it out the window.

Here is a revised sentence to make it grammatically correct: His parents gave him the name Henry, but that was all they could do for him. Soon after Henry's birth, they disappeared without a trace.

I'm going to add a sentence in because I believe you should start a new paragraph here afterward. As it was, Henry had been abandoned and with nothing but the cloth upon his skin.

Quote:

Henry did not remain alone for long. A dark unusual hooded stranger found Henry at his home all alone and so he took Henry in.

This is grammatically correct, but tell us how it happened in detail. What you have is dull and leaves too much for us to imagine what happened.

Quote:

The dark hooded stranger was a monk, The monks name was Richard he was very short and was a very quiet man who liked to be alone and had a look of a very kind and old man with a head full of Knolege. When Richard picked up Henry, Richard felt a wave of uneasiness sweep over him as if he was young again full of life and spirit Richard did not know what this strange aura was but he knew that he finaly found what he was looking for. Richard took baby Henry in, he knew he couldnt just leave a child in the middle of no where especially one as unique as him with no one to look after him and so he braught him to where he lived. The Monks Monastry a safe home to many like Richard and many other people wanting a place to call home.

All of this should be used as an outline and not as your final work. Like I suggested above, use this to go into detail about how he came to discover Henry and why he took him in. That would be much more interesting.

All in all, your first draft is very sloppy and your second is sloppy as well. However, it is improved from the first by a great deal and will probably get better the more you critique and edit it.

Don't let me discourage you, but rather motivate you. Always strive to do better. Writing takes a lot of practice and therefore a lot of work. Just remember, you always get worse at something before you get better.

The Man in Black · 04-24-2005, 10:12 PM

I don't think I'm a very good critic, probably something hanging around here will help me with, but here's what I thought. I thought the second one was better by far, but it still was a little cumbersome to get through. Some of the descriptions like

Quote:

A Single star remained shineing as bright as a morning sun and shineing over a certain place as if it was specialy made to shine only bright and beautifull on this day

made me feel like I was swimming through a pool of molasses. It was also a little hard to get through because of several grammtical errors that I'm sure some people pickier than me will take the time to quote and harp on. The stuff about Richard also seemed a little choppy, too many short sentences and too much repetition of his name for me. But overall, it was an improvement and I'd keep at it.

Anarkos · 04-25-2005, 04:21 AM

The first crucial improvement I would suggest is breaking it up into several paragraphs, as you have covered several topics.

Also, avoid this kind of repetition:

Quote:

The dark night sky was totaly timeless and motionless as if time itself semed to stop as if it was dead, the stars that was shining seemed light the dark and misserable sky up and give it some colour and life.

In one alleged sentence, you have as if twice, time twice and sky twice. Not only that, but you have a confused mixture of similes (eg comparisons to both life and death) going on. My advice is to slow down and break it up:

"The dark night sky was totally motionless. It was as if the God of Time himself had been killed, freezing all the world in one dark moment. Few stars shoe in this still and miserable sky, but those that did gave it some light and colour."

Your one 'sentence' can easily be broken up into at least three, if not more, and in doing so, the images and ideas become much, much clearer.

Here would be a great time for a new paragraph.

Quote:

Under those stars a child was born and the bright stars that gave life to the night sky was no more they had faded away, But the dark night sky was not an empty theywasteland with nothing in it.

Another very long sentence, with some new problems:

1) Confused use of plurals. "Stars" is a plural. There are multiple stars. "Was" is the singular; you should use "were".
2) Contradicts the previous sentence; without time or motion, how can the stars fade?

And some old ones; it's running on too long!

In summary: First, break it up into paragraphs. Then, break the sentences up into much smaller ones. Then, look at the images in each. Do they make sense? Do they contradict each other?

Stacy · 04-26-2005, 03:46 PM

Wow, that first critiquer was awfully rude. Why even comment if all you are going to do is insult?

I think you have an interesting start here, but I think you give the reader too much information.

Quote:

It was the year 1255, On a cold and windy night. The dark night sky was totaly timeless and motionless as if time itself semed to stop as if it was dead, the stars that was shining seemed light the dark and misserable sky up and give it some colour and life. Under those stars a child was born and the bright stars that gave life to the night sky was no more they had faded away, But the dark night sky was not an empty theywasteland with nothing in it. A Single star remained shineing as bright as a morning sun and shineing over a certain place as if it was specialy made to shine only bright and beautifull on this day. The child that was born was an unusual one because his birth changed the stars forever.

I think you are trying to be a bit too dramatic in this beginning. I like that you alternate between talking about the sky and about Henry, but you are overemphasizing Henry's specialness. Let the reader come to the conclusion that Henry is unusual.

Perhaps something like: "One night in 1255, under beautiful and coldly indifferent stars, a child was born to parents he would never know."

Technical: It's shining, not shineing. Also, commas and periods are not interchangable.

Quote:

His parents called him Henry, but that was about all they could give him, a name, because soon after Henrys's birth were gone without a trace. Henry did not remain alone for long.

Is there a reason you are being so mysterious about his parentage?

Quote:

A dark unusual hooded stranger found Henry at his home all alone and so he took Henry in. The dark hooded stranger was a monk, The monks name was Richard he was very short and was a very quiet man who liked to be alone and had a look of a very kind and old man with a head full of Knolege. When Richard picked up Henry, Richard felt a wave of uneasiness sweep over him as if he was young again full of life and spirit Richard did not know what this strange aura was but he knew that he finaly found what he was looking for. Richard took baby Henry in, he knew he couldnt just leave a child in the middle of no where especially one as unique as him with no one to look after him and so he braught him to where he lived. The Monks Monastry a safe home to many like Richard and many other people wanting a place to call home.

I find I like the character of Richard. Very little is said about him, but I sense that there is a lot of depth to him.

Too much repetition about Richard being dark and hooded. Once is fine.

Knowledge, not knolege.

With this talk of auras, you are again trying too hard to be dramatic.

Don't tell us Richard is unusual. Show us why he is unusual.

Monks monastery? Simply call it the monastery. People will understand that monks live there.

I can't imagine that babies are frequently brought to monasteries, as monks don't have children and generally tend to be quiet. Should there be a debate going on Richard's head of all the options he had in finding a home for Henry?

Marsieux · 04-28-2005, 07:59 PM

I'm sorry if I came across rude NYC. I didn't mean to be. I critiqued your story not because I thought it needed it, but because I care about it. Reviewing my post, I realize I could've put things a little bit more gently.

I apologize if I seemed rude and I hope you forgive me my trespasses.

My apologies
-Marsieux

Hand · 05-04-2005, 01:40 AM

Why apologise? Like whoever said it said, nothing can harm a writer more than his ego (back in the days when political correctness didn't exist and women spent their lives cooking). Marsieux's points were valid ones, and he ended on a positive note. That, professionally, is a far better crit than an "oh, your piece was great, I love you, etc.".

I pretty much agree with the crits already made. And admittedly, it's hard to see an improvement between drafts 1 and 2. Still, persevere and you'll get there. How about the next chapter?

damien_frosst · 05-04-2005, 12:09 PM

I have to agree with Hand on this. Marsieux has done a solid job of critiquing, and has covered pretty much everything in this piece that's in need of correction.

Personally, my crit would probably have been about as rough. I crit the way I'd want to be crit'ed.

Marsieux, you ended it on a positive note, and were thorough. Don't worry about those worried about rudeness. I certainly don't see it.

valeca · 05-04-2005, 08:34 PM

The two things I think you need to work on before the others are:

1) Run on sentences. There are several in both sections.

2) Showing more, telling less. Also prominant in both cases. An example (not taken from your story) would be:
The wind blew his blonde hair.
vs
The near-white tips of his hair were lifted by the drafts of air.

Cheesy, yes...but hopefully you get the picture.

Personally, I would prefer to receive a crit like the first one. Which, incidentally, I found neither harsh, nor rude.

Marsieux · 05-07-2005, 03:34 PM

Quote:

I crit the way I'd want to be crit'ed.

100% agree. Treat others the way you wanted to be treated, I guess.