[deleted] - Writers Forum

crzywriter · 04-23-2005, 09:06 PM

right. so I deleted it.

rocky · 04-23-2005, 10:42 PM

Hello crzywriter

Okay I've read your piece and honestly I thought that this was just okay. You didn't get me engrossed into your story by using so many types of description and thoughts and imagery associated with this topic.

You could have described the cottage a bit, externally or internally. Give us a taste of what the scent was in there. Something you would never forget in that cottage or something to make the reader say: Hey, this is interesting!

Quote:

I learned swordplay and diplomacy

Surely you could come up with something much better than this line.

You seem to use commas a bit too much with this piece. Try constructing your sentences so that it flows into the other.

Quote:

What I do remember was all the beauty, all the wealth

You said you remembered this- what about the beauty and wealth exactly?

The ending sound a little Lord of The Rings to me. All in all, you must rework this and I will be happy to read the revised and revamped version soon enough!

Do enjoy!

gohn67 · 04-23-2005, 10:59 PM

This isn't your best piece I've read from you. Obviously this the beginning only, but its not very engaging. I think that the plot can be good, if you continue this, its just a bit rushed right now.

I'm not sure if this is going to be a short story or a novel, but I think you rushed the backstory. Also you just kind just told the reader what happened. You didn't really show it in detail.

I think you should start off when he is 15 and then get the backstory in later, somehow.

Hand · 04-24-2005, 06:32 AM

My opinion is generally ditto to the ones above.

Hand · 04-26-2005, 08:38 AM

We said edit it, not delete it!

crzywriter · 04-26-2005, 09:24 AM

hehe, you're funny, mia.

and hand, I deleted it to a)save what little pride I had and b)to rewrite if/when I have time.

Hand · 04-27-2005, 02:52 AM

Writers aren't supposed to have pride!

*tears of crzywriter's mask

Oh God, he's a... a... A DENTIST!

Anarkos · 04-27-2005, 03:39 AM

A writer with pride?

Bah!

Never going to go anywhere! A real writer must get used to having the oppressive boot of the publishers, the editors, the critics, the homeless guy down the road and, well, everyone stamping his tender skull into the ground. It's a tough game, g.

...more seriously though, don't be worried about people here judging you. As far as I can see, it doesn't tend to ever happen.