What do you think of this? - Writers Forum

badwriter1000 · 04-21-2005, 03:15 PM

Crack rolled up Highway 290 from Houston to Austin in 1981, the same route the oil bust rode here in '86 and the stock market crash in '87, so by September of '88 businesses were failing, banks going belly-up, and no one in town was making money except the dealers, lawyers and shrinks. The governor struggled to make good on campaign promises to create jobs and reduce prison overcrowding: new policies made to counter a century of Texan excess left old prisoners languishing for the remainder of century- long sentences on minor drug infractions, while rapists and murderers plea- bargained their way to short terms in county jail. It would take another year till our first drive-by forced the press, and then the cops, to admit that gangs had been creeping around since the city charter was ratified. In every quarter, near-prosperity gave way to frenzy. Secure in my city job, I watched the summer heat plow past Labor Day with no sign of slowing down. Then Dirty Sally's famous legs first kicked up smoke and I learned just what my thirty-nine thousand a year would cost me.

That's my partner Joey Velez in the picture, first row, second from right, the big jovial guy with his arm around my shoulders and his trademark chipped-tooth grin. They snapped that shot last Christmas, three months before Joey made The Ultimate Sacrifice-killed in the line of duty. Eulogy delivered by a new police chief he never met, marked in the reception area at police headquarters by the last of a line of plaques, one for every sucker who bit it on the company clock since it was an hourglass. That's me in the Christmas picture, Detective Sergeant Dan Reles—rhymes with "trellis"—Austin Police, Homicide, at six' feet even, just a shade shorter than Joey with the stooped shoulders and busted nose of a mob-friendly boxer the trade my father raised me to before his fortunes turned and we fled prison-town upstate New York for God's country: Southern gentility, high windows, crack dens, trailer parks, whorehouses, six-month summers, dead cops, beautiful wives, fat lawyers, powerbrokers, future governors and fully lawful plans to take over the world. They're not out to get you, folks say, it's just how they do business. A new breed of power is gestating in the Lone Star State, the world's biggest lab of trial and error and you're a guinea pig. Your mother and your best friend and everyone you care about gets lost in the soup, the reed you hang onto snaps, you grab that one last thing you believe in, raging at the injustice as you hold the world together with both hands and as the weight of it drags you under, your air bubbles slop to the surface and you know beyond possibility that it's over-the last thing you give up is hope.

Pengwynn11 · 04-21-2005, 04:26 PM

It was a little scattered, and the block text was intimidating. I started reading it but got distracted.

The Man in Black · 04-21-2005, 05:22 PM

I really enjoyed that, I thought the first three quarters were great, but I started getting a little lost after the bit about 'new breed of power' when I first read it. It almost seemed to shift away from the detective into second person. The wording seemed great, it set a good tone, just the constant repetition of 'you' brought me out of it a little bit.

(I just read it again and I don't notice it nearly as much, but I'll leave this out here anyway)

Gauda · 04-21-2005, 05:45 PM

Alright badwriter1000, let's get started.

To me the piece was kind of confusing. It may be my contacts blurring up or something, but I had to re-read some parts several times. I did spot a few awkward sentance structures, but I like the style of writing you have. The character seems laid back, easy going...Texan

Quote:

The governor struggled to make good on campaign promises to create jobs and reduce prison overcrowding: new policies made to counter a century of Texan excess left old prisoners languishing for the remainder of century- long sentences on minor drug infractions, while rapists and murderers plea- bargained their way to short terms in county jail.

This sentence is too choppy and can be misleading. The governer struggled to make good on campaign promises...? It doesn't make much sense. Or perhaps that's your style...maybe you can clarify this for me later. I think after overcrowding there should be a ; instead of a : Other than that it's fine.

Quote:

That's me in the Christmas picture, Detective Sergeant Dan Reles—rhymes with "trellis"—Austin Police, Homicide, at six' feet even, just a shade shorter than Joey with the stooped shoulders and busted nose of a mob-friendly boxer the trade my father raised me to before his fortunes turned and we fled prison-town upstate New York for God's country: Southern gentility, high windows, crack dens, trailer parks, whorehouses, six-month summers, dead cops, beautiful wives, fat lawyers, powerbrokers, future governors and fully lawful plans to take over the world. They're not out to get you, folks say, it's just how they do business.

Whoa whoa whoa. That's a total runon sentence. Add in some periods there! Short and long sentences are what make up smooth writing and good flow. Here's something to get you started:

That's me in the Christmas picture. Detectve Sargeant Dan Reles (ryhmes with "Trellis") - Austin Police, Hoimicide, at six' feet even...just a shade shorter than Joey.....

I think you can carry on from there.

Even though it was a bit confusing, I like the way you ended it. It's kind of like a "be prepared for what's to come" type ending...just remember that periods and exclamation points don't bite, so don't be afraid to use them

I look forward to seeing what you have in store....Just be sure to clarify a few points and I'll be back to review it some more!!

- Gauda

eggo · 04-21-2005, 09:45 PM

Excellent Badwriter,

No wait a minute , ungood Badwriter. Not Badwriter?

You paint the state of Texas like a work of art. It reminded me of Hunter Thompson. You hit on Social, economic, weather, people, atmosphere etc. and described them very well as you either slammed them or poked your nose at 'em. I understand more about the state after reading that, then I ever would reading a almanac.

The character needs to be introduced closer to the top. Once you work out the paragraph thing (I counted 5, in the space of two) I would arrange them a bit differently.

Quote:

That's me in the Christmas picture, Detective Sergeant Dan Reles—rhymes with "trellis"—Austin Police, Homicide, at six' feet even, just a shade shorter than Joey with the stooped shoulders and busted nose of a mob-friendly boxer the trade my father raised me to before his fortunes turned and we fled prison-town upstate New York for God's country: Southern gentility, high windows, crack dens, trailer parks, whorehouses, six-month summers, dead cops, beautiful wives, fat lawyers, powerbrokers, future governors and fully lawful plans to take over the world. They're not out to get you, folks say, it's just how they do business.
That's my partner Joey Velez in the picture, first row, second from right, the big jovial guy with his arm around my shoulders and his trademark chipped-tooth grin. They snapped that shot last Christmas, three months before Joey made The Ultimate Sacrifice-killed in the line of duty. Eulogy delivered by a new police chief he never met, marked in the reception area at police headquarters by the last of a line of plaques, one for every sucker who bit it on the company clock since it was an hourglass.
Crack rolled up Highway 290 from Houston to Austin in 1981, the same route the oil bust rode here in '86 and the stock market crash in '87, so by September of '88 businesses were failing, banks going belly-up, and no one in town was making money except the dealers, lawyers and shrinks. The governor struggled to make good on campaign promises to create jobs and reduce prison overcrowding: new policies made to counter a century of Texan excess left old prisoners languishing for the remainder of century- long sentences on minor drug infractions, while rapists and murderers plea- bargained their way to short terms in county jail. It would take another year till our first drive-by forced the press, and then the cops, to admit that gangs had been creeping around since the city charter was ratified.
In every quarter, near-prosperity gave way to frenzy. Secure in my city job, I watched the summer heat plow past Labor Day with no sign of slowing down. Then Dirty Sally's famous legs first kicked up smoke and I learned just what my thirty-nine thousand a year would cost me.
A new breed of power is gestating in the Lone Star State, the world's biggest lab of trial and error and you're a guinea pig. Your mother and your best friend and everyone you care about gets lost in the soup, the reed you hang onto snaps, you grab that one last thing you believe in, raging at the injustice as you hold the world together with both hands and as the weight of it drags you under, your air bubbles slop to the surface and you know beyond possibility that it's over-the last thing you give up is hope.

I broke into what i thought were the logical ending of the each thought. Then I put them in logical order. (my logical order, now thats a conundrum) Does it read better? You judge.

After polishing the puncuation and you got a nice opening peice.

badwriter1000 · 04-25-2005, 05:24 PM

That's it? No more comments???

Tidus Kurai · 04-30-2005, 01:13 PM

I will critique this if it were to be broken down. Right now, I don't feel in the mood to read two big blocks of text. My advice is to paragraph this piece of work. It seems good, but I got distracted after the first few sentences...

horrorcrafter · 04-30-2005, 01:21 PM

I like how you used a photograph to describe the main characters. Great description of (ugh..) Texas. Are you still working on humor? Horrorcrafter