The Xibix Cube - Page 2 - Writers Forum

TheUberManlyMan · 04-24-2005, 07:46 PM

Ditto. I still like it, and I'm eagerly awaiting an exciting action sequence. To me, that's where this story seems to be headed. It seems like you started the story with a bunch of description, and you're slowly shifting it over to a more action/plot focus. Rising action? I also really like the character development. With the presence of a woman (maybe) Mike seems to be acting more like a typical guy, and Miranda's personality is getting very focused as well.

One suggestion:

Quote:

Having lived alone for so long, even the mere presence of another person in the room was unsettling, but I could smell her from across the room and that was past disconcerting, and rapidly metamorphosing into a refined sort of sensual torture.

This should be broken up into two, maybe even three sentences. It was the only thing that really stuck out at me. Keep it up!

Ben · 05-01-2005, 06:46 AM

I enjoyed reading this story. Youve written it really well, and the way you described his office in the first paragraph was cool

Tidus Kurai · 05-01-2005, 10:16 AM

I read through your story, and I did enjoy it (well, I tell a lie, I only read through the first post). But it was very good and incredibly well written. I also liked the fact it was in 1st person - I haven't seen a story done in that way for quite a while.

Anyway, one thing that bothered me about your first post was this...

Quote:

Originally Posted by petrel}

...scattering me about the room like so much dust. By dinnertime, I can feel little bits of myself drifting away like dust in a beam of sun...

I just don't like the fact that a dust similie is used twice. The similies themselves may not be the exact same, but they're used too close together for my liking.

petrel} · 05-02-2005, 04:50 PM

Thanks to everyone for the comments.

UMM: I've altered that sentence. I had a feeling about it from time I wrote it and you've just strengthened it. Thanks

Tidus: I know what you mean, but I couldn't think of another way to say dust except "mote" and that sounds a bit strange to me. I will continue to think about it, but for now it's staying as is.

In case anyone was wondering when the next installment is coming---I don't know. I've hit a bit of a wall at the mo' even though I know how I want to proceed with the story. It's perculating right now and I will post more once it has brewed long enough. Until then you'll just have to be patient with me.

Thanks again, petrel}