horrorcrafter

The Legend
These Americans were going to be bastards, we could already tell that from how they acted and thought. Pompous, loud-mouthed, obnoxious, and cruel, after just a few months of arriving. They had a strange new way of thinking, that their perceptions were all that really mattered… they could do and say what they liked if they thought they were right. But what would really cook them, sooner or later, was that each of them actually thought themselves important.

TheUberManlyMan

Wooo! I love pirates ! I must say, there is nothing I would change about this. Except maybe the ending, which ended a bit abruptly .

I closely associated with your first paragraph, since I generally try to describe characters thouroughly in the first paragraph, too. Seeing as you start the story with an analysis of the Americans, I would except the latter parts to tie in these character traits. If the Americans are going to get their butts whooped (I hope), you should definately mention how their beliefs that each of them thought themselves important would cook them.

I liked how you didn't reveal the origin of these people until the very end. The whole bit with the flag was really cool.

I also really liked the short descriptions of every character. Because they were all short and presented only the most important character trait, it really emphasized the fact that, unlike the Americans, they didn't see themselves as being self-sufficient, but understood how to work together as a team. Strangely enough, I felt myself really connecting with the characters because of these brief introductions. Maybe it was because it made them feel more like a pirate crew, and I just like pirates a lot .

I only thought good things about this, and I'll be anxiously awaiting the next installment.

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Queasy Dillo

Saving you any political sparring, two items jumped out at me, history-wise:

and....

If I recall correctly, any settlers on the North American continent pre-1640 would be considered Europeans of one flavor or another. Americans didn't really come about until the Revolution. Then, they identified themselves by their home state rather than the nation.

And...

Cannons (and therefore, cannonballs) have been with us since the Middle Ages. In 1640, they wouldn't be new or in the near future by any stretch of the imagination.

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falco

I really like all your characters and their short, but informative, descriptions. And the tidbits about the shape-shifter ancestors are good - these pirates certainly are intriguing.

Not knowing a whole lot about boats, I have mixed feelings about the building process. I think it's important to have it, but I got a little lost at times. Maybe you could shorten this a bit and make the images a little more vivid? I couldn't really picture everything that was happening.

In any case, this appears to have potential. Keep writing!

horrorcrafter

Wow, Falco... thats the kind of input that really helps..thanks alot. I was a bit worried that all the details of building the ship were a bit too long. I'll think about changing it. Are you a big Horror fan? Looking forward to continuing a mature cooperative relationship, I am Yours, Horrorcrafter

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semtecks

Why would they call Europeans Americans? It just doesn't make sense. How about calling them Settlers? I Asides from that i did enjoy the story.

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Hodge

I posted my comment in the other posting of this over in the Fiction department.

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Science

falco

Glad I could help.
Pretty sure you couldn't call me a Horror fan, simply because I don't read it much - but I'll definitely keep track of you and your writing.

horrorcrafter

Semtecks THanks, I'll try to change that word in my next edit. Good advice.

Falco, You may not be a horror head, but you are a damned good reviewer. Keep it up. Anything in particular you want a critique of? Yours,
Horrorcrafter

__________________
Canadian Lynx are beautiful sensitive creatures which are very good mothers and they make a wide variety of sounds such as meows, purrs, cough-barks, growls, and screams like a woman. She is the next mammal to become extinct in North America largely because we waste so much paper. Please reduce, reuse, and recycle. Cheers, Horrorcrafter

falco

Umm, I've only got two things posted here so far, and I think you reviewed one already. But I'll make sure I let you know if anything in particular turns up. Thanks!

The Thing

Sorry horrorcrafter, but this one didn't grab me. Pirates don't really grab my attention and so this story was doomed from the start. Nevertheless your writing style has been consistant throughout the several posts that I have read of yours and it's good to read some good, old-fashioned horror for a change.

Keep up the good work.

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Magic Dust Productions

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horrorcrafter

Hey, what do you think of Legend? Does she seem like a sentient beast yet?

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Canadian Lynx are beautiful sensitive creatures which are very good mothers and they make a wide variety of sounds such as meows, purrs, cough-barks, growls, and screams like a woman. She is the next mammal to become extinct in North America largely because we waste so much paper. Please reduce, reuse, and recycle. Cheers, Horrorcrafter

Crazy_dude6662

to be honest i skimmed over it.
to me it seemed more science fiction then horror.

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damien_frosst

I didn't find very much of this in a horror vein either, but it was quite enjoyable. I didn't find that the building of the ship was too lengthy, but then, I'm at least partly interested in that sort of thing. It gave you time to give some passage of time to the story, and also to lay out some of the different facets of the crew.

So far, it seems like the start to a solid story, and would be so even if you didn't include the supernatural shape-shifter powers in there.

Keep at it, it seems like it's going well.

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Damien

In my world, there are no heroes, only really polite villians.

eggo

hey hc,

excellent idea! the story holds true promise to become anything you want it to be.

I loved the nut's and bolt of building the ship, but that me.

A couple of problems, like you need a shipyard to build a ship.
And a mill, ore works , and refinery.

This would say that the people had put some time and trouble into building a civilization. They would be reluctant to leave.

I would keep the same slant but make the ship one they had all along. Maybe a mystical boat assembled by their forefathers that they press back into service. I would also come up with a reason for them to leave other than just irritation.

just some thoughts