horrorcrafter

Wookie, Dude, all I can say is "Whoa.. I gotta think about this." Everything you say rings perfectely true. Its like your voicing the doubts I had which I could't really admit to myself were there. Thank you, really. I have to meditate on this stuff. Please, lets keep in touch. Horrorcrafter.

p.s. first Virginia settlement, somewhere on Va coast, was in the same year Legend launched, 1568. In my story, it was the pirate monsters who killed them. Next settlement in Va was 1607. Legend has 4 years to deal with them. Right now she is battling the french galleon which settled the St. Lawrence area in 1603.

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Canadian Lynx are beautiful sensitive creatures which are very good mothers and they make a wide variety of sounds such as meows, purrs, cough-barks, growls, and screams like a woman. She is the next mammal to become extinct in North America largely because we waste so much paper. Please reduce, reuse, and recycle. Cheers, Horrorcrafter

Talia_Brie

This paragraph is very repetitious and needs to be shortened.

Apart from that I think I'm getting used to the skipper's voice, though I'm still concerned about the pace.

I actually enjoyed the depiction of the chase, though I think someone else has mentioned that all your paragraphs are the same size. That's distracting, and a little imposing. I still feel like this is a slog for me, despite the markedly better pace in this section, and I think that's the delivery.

Legend's leap into sentience here was well handled, though I don't think there was enough surprise or wonder from the narrator when it happened. It felt like, "Oh, the ship just woke up. Anyway . . ." Despite the magic etc that went into the creation of the ship, something like that should have brought a little more acknowledgement. That might have happened sooner though, & I've just missed it.

This still isn't horror as far as I can tell. Just having monsters and magic ships doesn't make it horror. It seems to be Contemporary American Fantasy along the lines of Orson Scott Card's Tales of Alvin Maker (without the blatant Mormon overtones). But it's still early I suppose. BUt I'd like to know where you think the horror is going to come from.

I do appreciate the environmentalist aspects though. Who'd have thought Pirates were the first Greenies?

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horrorcrafter

Laughing,

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Canadian Lynx are beautiful sensitive creatures which are very good mothers and they make a wide variety of sounds such as meows, purrs, cough-barks, growls, and screams like a woman. She is the next mammal to become extinct in North America largely because we waste so much paper. Please reduce, reuse, and recycle. Cheers, Horrorcrafter

damien_frosst

Horror, the story's still going strong, but I'm a little confused about the battle. In one paragraph, you're two miles out (which, I think is very far for a cannon shot - is it historically accurate??). In the next, you're near enough that the men on decks can make out the faces of the men on the other decks. There's not a lot of transition time, and I really didn't get a sense that the ships were moving at high speeds relative to each other.

Keep it coming, I'm looking forward to the installments.

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Damien

In my world, there are no heroes, only really polite villians.

Talia_Brie

Wow. Sound effects.

I'm always a little dubious about sound effects, and I don't think they add anything here.

Also, why did Legend sail past the Galleon (with it's 60 guns), when they could possible have turned and stayed behind it. All those shots and not one hit the deck or any woodwork? That seemed a little bit of a stretch to me.

Apart from that this was well executed, much better than the first battle. The pace is starting to pick up nicely.

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horrorcrafter

Damien and Talia- deep thanks to both of you for good questions and solid advice. I am probably going to make changes to the rough draft to correct (some) of the problems which you pointed out to me. Thanks again... this is why internet writing workshops are such a wonderful idea.

Damien- I'll add text to show the final approach.
Talia- I'm not too happy with the BAAAM! either. I have to think about it some more, I think. Legend had to pass the Galleon to get to her vulnerable stern. And, one shot from the galleon did hit the taffrail of Legend and smash it to bits. It is extremely realistic to show a small percentage of hits from that range in those conditions of war, not to mention the horror of seeing those pirates unmasked. Thanks again,
Horrorcrafter

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Canadian Lynx are beautiful sensitive creatures which are very good mothers and they make a wide variety of sounds such as meows, purrs, cough-barks, growls, and screams like a woman. She is the next mammal to become extinct in North America largely because we waste so much paper. Please reduce, reuse, and recycle. Cheers, Horrorcrafter

horrorcrafter

BAAAM!

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Canadian Lynx are beautiful sensitive creatures which are very good mothers and they make a wide variety of sounds such as meows, purrs, cough-barks, growls, and screams like a woman. She is the next mammal to become extinct in North America largely because we waste so much paper. Please reduce, reuse, and recycle. Cheers, Horrorcrafter