cyberspecter

This is so awful, but I thought I would share it with you. All I ask is that you read it all the way through before judging it. It is in rough draft form so be gentle.





I sat by my mother and watched as she slept. Her breath rasped and rattled in her chest and she barely could feed herself, but she was still fighting the good fight. Mother was ninety-eight years old. Her hair still had some of it’s original coloring and she still could walk on her own, but she was failing and it was my task to watch over her last few days in this world.

They say that having a pet can extend your lifespan. I guess that’s as good as any explanation for her lasting this long. We named ours Pet. Not original but functional. He was white with a big brown splotch on his head. Very loving and playful. Mother adored him. I guess I was indifferent to him, but I can’t say he was ever any trouble.

“Is that you, honey?”

"Hi mother,” I said. “How was your nap?”

“Never long enough these days. Have you seen Pet?”

“He was here earlier, but he left. It’s just us two.”

She got up from her chair, where she liked to nap, and stretched slowly. I could hear her joints pop.

“Hungry?” she asked.

“Always!” We shared a smile. It was a joke with us from when I was younger. It seemed I could never eat enough.

“Let’s go see what there is to eat.”

As we ate, I couldn’t help but be a little sad. I don’t know what it is with the elderly, but they smell differently. That’s sounds terrible to me, but it’s true. I could smell death on her I suppose. It wouldn’t be long. I think she knew too.

“I need to talk to you about some things,” she said. She took another bite of her roasted chicken in savory juices. But I could tell she was only going through the motions.

“What things?”

“Well for one, let’s talk about Pet. You know how much I love him.”

“I know mother.”

“Good.” She chewed silently for a moment. “I know you don’t care for him much, but you’ll come to care over time.”

“I’m sure I will mother. Let’s not worry about that right now, ok?”

“No! I need to talk about his now.”

“Ok, ok. There’s no need to get excited.”

“Let’s go to the sitting room. I could use some warm sunlight.”

I followed mother back to the sitting room. The late afternoon sunlight was streaming through the window. We sat for a moment in silence just enjoying the warmth.

“Pet is getting old, like me,” mother said finally. Her voice startled me. I had nearly fallen asleep.

“One moment mother,” I said. I got up and ran to Pet’s room. He wasn’t there. I can’t explain why I did that. I just felt I had too. I ran back to find mother sitting as I’d left her. She smiled.

“Still young and full of energy,” she said. “You do remind me of your father. He was quite the rambunctious one. Never could stay put. He’d roam around the entire town looking for some excitement.”

“I wish I’d known him.”

“I know dear. But he wasn’t a homebody. He had to roam free and who was I to tell him otherwise? I had my Pet to watch over.”

“Yes,” I said. It was a bone of contention that I didn’t want to bring up today when she was so close to the end. But, when you have a pet, you can’t do anything. You can’t travel. They need constant attention. It’s annoying.

“Will you now be still and let me tell you about Pet?”

“I will, mother.”

“Pet is old and frail like me. It’s best not to startle him, especially when he’s sleeping. You could end up on the wrong end of his paw.”

I rolled my eyes. I was becoming more convinced she was getting senile. We’d had this discussion before. But with the old it seems it’s always that way. They tend to constantly repeat themselves.

“If you take good care of Pet, he’ll be as wonderful and faithful to you as he was to me. That’s important when you get old.

I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you will wake up one day and you’ll wonder where the time has gone. One day you’re young and seems like you’ve nothing better to do than chase tail all night and sleep all day, then you wake up and your bones creak and your eyesight is going.”

“Mother…”

“Make me a promise, son,” she said. She was laying down now. I could barely hear her. “Promise me…”

“I will mother. I will.”

“Promise me you’ll keep Pet happy and will sit with him at night.”

“I promise mother. I will.”

With that last request, she died. So suddenly, she stopped breathing and all that was left was her worn body. I could sense her spirit leaving her.

That night, after she was taken away and things had settled down a bit, I went to see Pet. I could actually sense the sorrow and loss that Pet was feeling. I jumped up then, and sat on his lap. I even tolerated it when he pawed at me. I curled up in his lap and purred at him till he fell asleep, his head crooked to the side, the noise box still on flashing annoying colors.

For mother, I told myself. But, in truth, it was very nice to have someone to share the warmth of the fire and to pass the long night with, now that mother was gone.

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Cyberspecter
(Evil incarnate, devourer of souls....and pizza)
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Bad Spellers of the World, Untie! -Tee shirt slogan.

cyberspecter

22 views and no replies..guess that's a critique of another kind! Chalk one up in the failed exercise column. On to the next stoy!

__________________
Cyberspecter
(Evil incarnate, devourer of souls....and pizza)
--------------------------------------------------------
Bad Spellers of the World, Untie! -Tee shirt slogan.

kittyanne68

easy there, i was out of town all weekend dsl-less.
i really liked it. for a rough draft it's nearly flawless. can i use the word 'touching' w/o offending? the perspective's interesting...though i've always preferred dogs over most people. it's definitely too good to trash.

gohn67

Hey Cyber.

I admit I read the first paragraph of this and then I stopped.

But then I came back today and read the whole thing.

The ending was nice. I knew something was up, when they didn't mention what type of pet it was. I just couldn't figure it out. And also I was wondering how a pet could live as long as a human.

The 98- years old is that cat years?

Your writing is good like usual, I just couldn't get into the story. This is a preference thing for me though. I just don't like those scenes when the guy is dying in hte end and they have the heart felt talk, etc. This just reminded too much of those movies.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

cyberspecter

thank you Kittyanne.

I am surpised to hear you liked it to be truthful. It's not my usual fare and I felt that it was a bit too sappy and unoriginal. So thank you for your kind words.

oh! And welcome back!

Paul

__________________
Cyberspecter
(Evil incarnate, devourer of souls....and pizza)
--------------------------------------------------------
Bad Spellers of the World, Untie! -Tee shirt slogan.

cyberspecter

Gohn,
Yeah... as I have said before.. it's not my usual fare and so those who have critiqued and liked my stuff in the past are off the hook!
You don't have to explain a thing.

cat years... I wrote it from that perspective so I did the math. The mother is 14 in human years extremely old but possible I think. I read somewhere where you multiply by 7. The cat had to be extremly old in order for the line about pets extending lives to work....


I can totally understand your feelings on this. Thanks for leaving a note. It's more than I have a right to ask of anyone.


Paul

__________________
Cyberspecter
(Evil incarnate, devourer of souls....and pizza)
--------------------------------------------------------
Bad Spellers of the World, Untie! -Tee shirt slogan.

Scratches

Hey, Cyberspecter/Paul. Same as Gohn, I wasn't too pulled in by the first paragraph but assumed you'd get crits because you're a popular writer here. I feel guilty now. I'll try to help.

If I quote and don't put anything, it's because I think you'll spot the typo.

I don't like this bit, your character sounds so self-depracating


Oh, God, I keep thinking of A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius. No complaints, I just had to say that.

Its, not it's.

Failing what?

Could flow better as "that's as good an explanation as any".

Try not to have so many "I guess"es, it's like one of those 90s, talking-to-the-camera kids' shows.

The "Hi" is informal and the "mother" is formal, it just didn't work to me.

I feel you need to elaborate briefly on what they're eating, so it doesn't snap from one thing to the other.

This implies their noses work differently. Use "different".

"I suppose" is a lot like "I guess".

Move roast chicken to earlier, I think, then just say "chicken" here; and the "savory juices" - do you really need that?


Tip: your aunt is Aunt, any aunt is just aunt. Your dad is Dad, any dad is just dad. Therefore your mother is Mother. (Needs a comma after "know" as well.)

Tip 2: When saying this, you need to consistently put "OK" (in caps) or "okay".


A little obvious.

Where the mother's speech goes on for more than one paragraph, you need an opening quotation mark at the beginning of the next paragraph.


Lying, not laying, I... think.


Oh, you would have thought I'd understand what was going on BEFORE now, but no. Doiii. I get the savory juices comment now. And the "chasing tail". In retrospect - I have not known any of my cats to go grey, per se.


Okay. I'm a dweeb. I loved this story because I am a cat lover and it brought me back to being a little girl, reading from my Cat Stories book. I believe you actually did this very well, because the twist ending really was a twist for me. Since you can't go into detail over the mother's appearance, to withold the surprise, maybe go into more detail of the surroundings. This needs just a little more description to acheive its warming potential. Thumbs up.

Oh puh-lease!

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

cyberspecter

Scratches,

Thank you for getting past that first paragraph and sticking with the story.

You are correct, my personal humor is self deprecating.


Various errors in grammar and syntax and punctuation: yep..i'll fix those thank you as usual.

Thanks for the honest critique. I'm glad you liked this. I'm rather surprised the story "worked" mechanically on you. One of my friends read it after I had posted it here and said it was obvious.

That last comment may sound corny, but it's how I feel when it comes to the people who are kind enough to leave a comment...so pfffft...

__________________
Cyberspecter
(Evil incarnate, devourer of souls....and pizza)
--------------------------------------------------------
Bad Spellers of the World, Untie! -Tee shirt slogan.

valeca

Hiya, Paul

We've talked about this one a bit. It's not my favourite piece of work from you, but, as you said, it was an attempt to branch out from your norm.

Scratches gives a supurb crit, so there's really nothing I can add but my own opinion. Knowing your style, I knew there was a twist coming, and although I picked up on it fairly early on, I still enjoyed reading it.

You know I like your quirky sense of humour, so this just added another facet of your writing to what I already admire about your work.

I'll be waiting for more

__________________
"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

cyberspecter

Well can't please all the people all of the time...heck...I'd be happy to please some of the people once. heh

Yes it was a departure having not much humor in it, though to be honest, I was trying to inject some into the piece. The part where the narrator jumps up and runs into another room was my attempt- bad as it was. I've had a few pets here and there and the dog and cats would often just jump up and go flying out of the room for no apparent reason (the dog wouldn't bark or anything just take off). So I put that in and put that the narrator had no idea why he did that either. Ah well...I've seen some of the best humorists fail occasionally, so I guess I'm in good company.

Thanks for commenting on this, val. It's always nice to hear from you!

Paul

__________________
Cyberspecter
(Evil incarnate, devourer of souls....and pizza)
--------------------------------------------------------
Bad Spellers of the World, Untie! -Tee shirt slogan.

damien_frosst

Scratches really did cover the main problems points, so I'm just going to comment on what I've seen in the story as presented.

First, I caught on almost immediately that the mother and son were cats. "Savoury juices" clinched it for me. You've portrayed them pretty well.

To answer a question you had - 14 is old for a cat, but not horribly old. One of our cats lived to the ripe age of somewere around 18... we're not sure how old exactly since we'd taken her as a stray.

Keep on with your writing, you're doing fine!

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Damien

In my world, there are no heroes, only really polite villians.

Aevin

Clever. Clever enough to make me read it twice, and chuckle at some of the things that carried double meaning when I knew the "punch line." I thought it was wierd from the beginning how you neglected to identify the species of the pet ... In wondering what the pet was, I was too distracted to consider that the characters themselves might not be human. You omit little sections and things that seem too obvious to mention at first ... it's like you're skipping past the parts where any human could fill in the blanks. But on a second reading, it becomes clear you're omitting things that would spoil your imagery--you carefully neglect to mention that the characters are eating on the floor, and lead the reader to believe they've rummaged through a refrigerator and prepared a meal, for example. Here are some things I especially liked:

Funny. As opposed to, "Let's go cook some dinner."

Now that I know he's a kitty, this part is ridiculously cute. It made sense while I still thought he was a man, now it's so much cooler!

The first time through, this is where I became REALLY suspicious that you were pulling a fast one on me. Your choice of the word "paw," of course, threw me off the trail.

While the story was fun to read, it's got a sort of bad case of the giant tomato syndrome. One of my teachers would make fun of fiction with surprise endings by envisioning a story in which the final line revealed the main character was a giant tomato. He would exclaim, "Wow! He's a tomato?! I never would have guessed!!!"

And that's precisely the problem. The ending is next to impossible to guess. Part of the fun of stories like this is giving readers all the clues they need to solve the mystery, boldly flinging evidence directly into their path ... and then simply averting their eyes with your phrasing, fooling them in spite of the fact you've explained exactly what happened. In this story, you just don't give the evidence. You don't take enough risks, and leave holes in the places you could be having the most fun. There are tons of places you could describe the characters with very cat-like vocabulary. Why? Because they're cats. But most readers would assume you're being metaphorical. You could describe "Pet" with human-like vocabulary, and, once again, the reader would assume you're personifying an animal. And, you could just be more inventive with some of your "clues."

Here are a couple of things that bugged me ...

The first time I read this, it made me chuckle, partly because of how it stuck out, and partly because it made me think of an old woman eating a plate of chicken while sitting in a giant bowl of marinade. The second time, I understood it was cat food, but the phrasing still drew too much attention to itself.

This paragraph could be considered the climax of the story, the point it's been building to, a point you've warned us to expect. If you look at it in that light, it's a pretty obvious let-down. Even knowing that they're cats, the details seem too sparse here. This is the place that should be the most emotionally charged, the place where these animals seem most human. Instead, it seems to be glossed over. Describe the main character's emotional response to his mother's death, for starters!

Not a bad story at all, Paul. Fun to read (twice). But it seems there's a lot more you could have done with the concept. I would have liked to see you play with the idea a little more, and have a little more fun with it--the bit describing the pet as "white with a brown spot on his head" is a little more the stuff you're after!

--Aevin

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"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

cyberspecter

Damien! Nice to see you on the boards again! Been awhile!

Thank you for your comments! Cool, about the cat's age. Thanks!

I appreciate you dropping by and taking a look at this, as I know you have other commitments and work has been taking it's toll on you. Very kind of you sir!

Paul



Aevin!

Nice to see you too, my friend!

Thank you much for your comments and advice. You are correct sir! I do need to go back and play more with the cat POV. I think I was too oblique in my wording and description in some areas of the story.

Thank you my friend. It's so nice of you to drop by. You have been missed. Not just by me. I know you have bunches going on in your life so I understand. Means that much more to me that you'd take the time to help me out.

Paul

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Cyberspecter
(Evil incarnate, devourer of souls....and pizza)
--------------------------------------------------------
Bad Spellers of the World, Untie! -Tee shirt slogan.

Sunshine_Haze

As many have already said it's not my favourite. Although i did think the idea was clever, and think you should sit down with it and really iron out the creases you could definitely have something there.
(DO not trash it!)

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Sunshine_Haze

As Ralph Waldo Emerson said "I hate quotations, tell me what you know"

cyberspecter

Thank you Sunshine. I shall take your advice.


Paul

__________________
Cyberspecter
(Evil incarnate, devourer of souls....and pizza)
--------------------------------------------------------
Bad Spellers of the World, Untie! -Tee shirt slogan.