Historical Fiction. Any and all critique is acknowledged. - Writers Forum

Caeser · 04-01-2005, 01:38 AM

I just started to write a new novel. This is fictional people and places, but it is a real timeframe (roughly early 100 a.d.). I am just looking for critique on my writing, grammer, punctuation, believable, anything of the sort. I hope you will enjoy reading the beginning to my newest novel, which I have not titled yet (if you guys want, you can suggest titles, also). Anything of the sort would be GREATLY appreciated. This is only the first few paragraphs of my story. I just want to see if you guys can actually create this scene in your minds, or if I am not being clear enough about the environment and what not. Thank, and enjoy. A thanks in advance for any replied critiques.

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The Trostans brought me to their country by way of a wooden cage. The cage was a very cramped, wooden, box-like structure that was nearly impossible to sit or even lie in comfortably. It was too short to sit in and was too small to lie in. So I had to angle my body in such an uncomfortable position, that within the duration of 20 minutes of being concuss I couldn’t stand the irritable pain it was causing my back.

Two brown horses were pulling the cage with two men sitting atop them. The men were wearing the ordinary silver armor with red lining showing in between the crevices of the plates. They had on a very tall, dopey looking helmet made of iron, with an engraved cross on it. That cross is what makes the difference between me, the man in the incredibly irritating cage, and them, the men sitting comfortably on top of two horses. That cross symbolizes The King’s way of life, and how every one else’s way of life should be. That cross evaluates each person and decides whether or not they should be at the mercy of The King. I have been evaluated and found wanted. Wanted in The King’s palace, as soon as possible.

There were also 4 guards following the cage containing myself. They were equipped with a 2-foot sword on each of their hip belts. They also had on the same armor as the horse riders did. But they were bigger looking, meaner looking. They were The King’s royal guard. Specifically sent to pick me up. That pleased me to know that The King sent such highly respected soldiers, just for me. He must really want me bad, I thought to myself.

cwilson · 04-01-2005, 04:40 AM

Interesting premise...

Your writing style is fine, just a few small mistakes:

Quote:

The Trostans brought me to their country by way of a wooden cage. The cage was a very cramped, wooden, box-like structure that was nearly impossible to sit or even lie in comfortably.

You describe the box as wooden twice in two sentences. Just cut one out.

Also, you slip in and out of tenses a bit at various places in the piece. Its not much to review, so thats all i could find. Other than that, its fairly good.

-=Wilson=-

Caeser · 04-01-2005, 10:39 AM

Thanks for your advice, cwilson. Yeah, it's hard for me to maintain the write tense, I don't know why. Thanks again!

Alan Nicoll · 04-01-2005, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caeser

The Trostans brought me to their country by way of a wooden cage. The cage was a very cramped, wooden, box-like structure that was nearly impossible to sit or even lie in comfortably. It was too short to sit in and was too small to lie in. So I had to angle my body in such an uncomfortable position, that within the duration of 20 minutes of being concuss I couldn’t stand the irritable pain it was causing my back.

There are quite a few problems with language here and a general wordiness. For example, "within the duration of 20 minutes of being concuss" could be condensed to "after 20 minutes of being concuss[ed]." And "I couldn't stand the irritable pain it was causing in my back" is essentially saying, "My back hurt like hell." You have a lot of work to do to get command of your style and normal language conventions and idioms.

I will take the liberty of rewriting some of your sentences, which is not considered good form, but I think that's what you need to work on before you "write novels."

Quote:

Two brown horses were pulling the cage with two men sitting atop them.

Two brown horses with riders were pulling the cage.

Quote:

The men were wearing the ordinary silver armor with red lining showing in between the crevices of the plates.

The men were wearing ordinary silver armor; red lining showed between the plates.

Quote:

They had on a very tall, dopey looking helmet made of iron, with an engraved cross on it.

Their iron helmets were decorated with engraved crosses.

Quote:

That cross is what makes the difference between me, the man in the incredibly irritating cage, and them, the men sitting comfortably on top of two horses.

The cross symbolized the differences between us.

Quote:

That cross symbolizes The King’s way of life, and how every one else’s way of life should be.

I'd combine this with the previous sentence, maybe like this: "The King's cross on their helmets symbolized the differences between us."

Quote:

That cross evaluates each person and decides whether or not they should be at the mercy of The King.

The thought here seems dubious; isn't everyone at the mercy of the King?

Quote:

I have been evaluated and found wanted. Wanted in The King’s palace, as soon as possible.

The repeat of "wanted" looks like word play, since the normal idiom would be "I had been evaluated and found wanting." Word play is okay if that's your style, but there's no indication elsewhere that it is.

Quote:

There were also 4 guards following the cage containing myself.

Four more guards followed the cage.

Quote:

They were equipped with a 2-foot sword on each of their hip belts.

Omit "hip."

Quote:

They also had on the same armor as the horse riders did.

Combine with previous sentence; also, "same armor" would imply the riders, so the riders don't need to be mentioned. Also, I'd make explicit that these guards are walking.

Quote:

But they were bigger looking, meaner looking.

This could work as-is.

Quote:

They were The King’s royal guard. Specifically sent to pick me up.

The second sentence is a fragment. I wouldn't capitalize "The."

Quote:

That pleased me to know that The King sent such highly respected soldiers, just for me.

I was pleased that the King sent his personal guards just for me.

Quote:

He must really want me bad, I thought to myself.

He must be desperate for my head.

In summary, the scene is clear enough, but the expression needs work. HTH

Alan Nicoll

Caeser · 04-01-2005, 02:11 PM

Thanks for the critique Alan. I really want to kill myself.

Alan Nicoll · 04-01-2005, 03:30 PM

Sorry, I was over the top and stupid. I didn't read the guidelines until after I posted my hatchet job.

Alan

Caeser · 04-01-2005, 03:33 PM

It's fine, your just being honest. I do realize i need to work on writing, and thats exactly why I asked for a critique.

blabs · 04-03-2005, 03:43 AM

I love it. I love historical fiction...

Caeser · 04-03-2005, 12:39 PM

Thanks, blabs. Before I posted my original story i hadn't proof read it once (like the idiot i am) and i didnt realize how many mistakes i made until alan pointed them out. Most of them i could have gotten on my own (mechanical problems). But i fixed it up and now i have more to show if you guys want me to post it?

Caeser · 04-03-2005, 10:14 PM

Ok, here is my first one reviewed (didn't take all of Alan's advice, but some. Here is the same few paragraphs along with some more. Thanks for the critique in advance.

__________________________________________________ ___________

The Trostans brought me to their country by way of a wooden cage. The cage was a very cramped box-like structure. It was too short to sit in and was too small to lie in. So I had to angle my body in such an uncomfortable position, that within 20 minutes of being conscious I couldn’t stand the irritable pain it was causing my back.

Two brown horses with riders were pulling the cage. The riders were wearing the ordinary steel gray colored armor; red fabric showing in between the plates. They had on a very tall, dopey looking helmet made of iron, with an engraved cross on the front of it. That cross is what makes the difference between them and me. That cross symbolizes The King’s way of life, and how every one else’s way of life should be. That cross evaluates each person and decides whether or not The King should order them to death. I have been evaluated and found wanted. Wanted in The King’s palace, as soon as possible.

Four guards were following behind me on foot. They were equipped with a 2-foot sword on each of their belts. They also had on the same armor as the horse riders did. But they were bigger and meaner looking. I knew from experience, that they were The King’s royal guard, specifically sent to pick me up. It pleased me to know that The King sent such highly respected soldiers, just for me. He must be desperate for my head, I thought to myself.

We traveled about 2 hours and stopped right outside of the gates to Tipiia, the capital city of Trost. It was an enormous city, with a population rising in the tens of thousands. From where I was, it looked like a painted picture, with the dark shadows of the buildings against the light blue horizon. The walls were made of stone, and contained a city crowded with people. Buildings were randomly scattered within the walls. Alas, this had to be the most complex city in all of the world. We had nothing like this in Ilitia.

One of The King’s royal guards unlocked my cage. I was glad to get out of it. I hoped that I would never have to endure another ride in that thing again. The guard tied my hands behind my back with a leather strap. He tied it so tight, it started to cut the circulation to my hand. I knew the guards couldn’t hurt me, under The King’s order, otherwise I would have been meat by now. The tight leather strap was the best they could do to inflict pain, without making it look too obvious.

“All right you stupid Ilitian, follow us.” One of the royal guards said, with his hand hovering around his sword handle. You could see the red curly hair peering out from under his helmet. He had freckles on his face with light green eyes, almost a translucent green. He looked more built than the other 3 guards near him, and I suspected that he was the leader of the four. The men on the horse already went into the city, leaving me alone with the four guards right outside of the city gates. They really were intimidating men, but I knew I was untouchable. None of the royal guard would do anything to disobey a direct order from The King’s. It was rather comical, because people back in Ilitia would joke about how disciplined The King made his “elite” guard. They would say if, “The King would tell them to hold their breath, within 3 minutes, sure enough, you would see them quivering on the floor, blue in the face, trying desperately not to take a breath. Finally succumbing to the overwhelming desire to breath, they pass out entirely.” I really admire their obedience and discipline. I know that I could never give up all my ideas, and all my rights to a single person.

“Hey Winston,” one of the guards said to red-headed leader, “what do you suppose The King is going to do to the Ilitian when we get there. Do you think he is going to skin him alive, and bathe him in salt water?” I guessed he was trying to inspire fear in me, but it wasn’t working. I knew The King was smarter than that. He wanted me alive, alive for a reason. Unless I was to be publicly executed, I knew that I was going to be alive for a while longer, too.

“I don’t know Joey, maybe he is going to lock him in a cave with a hundred alligators. Or maybe he is going to throw him in the middle of a lake with both his feet chopped off, to see if he can swim back to shore.” The leader, Winston, guessed with a large grin on his face. They continued to play the guessing game until I arrived at The King’s palace doors.