Rico

It wasn’t that he couldn’t kill this man, no, that’s not what it was at all. The .45 was sitting on the table, loaded and ready. A slight movement of his hand and he could be holding it. And it wasn’t that he had to kill him, either. There had been no real assignment, no real orders at all; just a suggestion. He wasn’t afraid; fear was an emotion he had long since stopped allowing himself to feel. As a wielder of life and death, this kind of killing was, well, something he had grown used to, it was what defined him as a man. The stack of money that he had seen briefly before it disappeared again into the back meant nothing at all. While not wealthy, he made enough to get by and a little extra cash wouldn’t be worth this.

No, what it was, when it came down to it, was that he was too tired to make the effort. Too tired to pick up the pistol and fire the shot. Too tired to get away afterwards. Too goddamned tired.

He was a professional, though, and an ethic like this made him sneer at himself. It made him think back years, to his first kill, the hesitancy and fear of it all. This was neither hesitancy nor fear, but the result looked like it would be the same. He couldn’t kill the man then, it looked like the bastard would walk away unscathed for a second time.

He didn’t know what it was about this particular man that he just couldn’t kill him. He wasn’t anything special, not family, not a friend. All he was really, was a folder with some pictures in it, jotted notes by a dozen different people, a nice suit and expensive taste.

Ghosting his hand over the pistol, he almost picked it up, but the muscles in his hand seemed unforgivingly unresponsive. Murmuring a curse under his breath, he focused himself and picked the gun up. Jamming it with undue force into his waistband, he grabbed his phone and put it in his pocket, pulled on his jacket, and headed out of the house.

Queasy Dillo

Intriguing and nicely done, especially for a short. I counted a few awkward sentences, but overall the piece was strong enough. Nothing major jumped at me, though this does sound kind of familiar, for some reason (I tend to write the same stuff, probably).

Am I to assume there's more, or is this one of those flash fiction things?

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You have not yet begun to scratch the surface of my depravity.

Rico

Thank you for reading this, dillo. Hmm, there probably will be more, if I'm not too lazy to write it. Then again, I'm home all day today, so maybe something will get written...maybe.

Rico

reni

I liked this too, Rico. It was interesting and definitely made me want to know more about the main character and his history. The first paragraph did a good job of getting my attention, and I enjoyed a lot of the descriptions throughout, like the notion that this man he was supposed to kill was nothing more than a folder with pictures and notes in it, that the killer is simply too weary to do the task, etc. I did notice a few awkwardly phrased sentences and some word repetition in sentences that were a bit distracting, but nothing too major. I'd definitely be interested in reading an extended version of this piece. Good luck with the writing.

Rico

Thanks for reading, Reni

Rico

He feels like one of those bad guys that every child sees a million of in a thousand bad action movies. Slouched down in the driver’s seat, he watches every movement on the street before him. The only difference that he’s noticed so far is that in the movies, the good guy won and the bad guy pays. So far, its been the opposite for him, and that’s good news.

All he can really focus on, though, is the stupid stuff. There’s a cramp in his neck and he knows its going to bug him for the rest of the day. There’s a fly somewhere in the car because he can hear its intolerable buzzing. The sounds of the outside are a little too muffled, so it feels like a dream that he’s watching, not participating in.

It takes about twenty minutes for the target to show up. He never thinks of them by name, because then they become people to him. Best just to think of them as a lump of flesh; a bad lump of flesh that needs to be eliminated. After watching him go into the building, he sits up and takes out a cigarette. His lighter won’t work for the first few seconds and he curses it. Things like this set him on edge; he’s a superstitious man and if anything goes wrong, he does not see that it bodes well for the future.

Fifteen minutes later, the target is still in the building. That’s good news. Tossing the cigarette to the ground, he gets out of the car and rearranges his clothes slightly to better conceal the .45. Casually, he walks around the building, and into a side exit in the building next to it. Six flights of stairs later, he emerges on the roof and allows himself a moment to relax in the warmth of the sun.

Lady Blueberry

I like it. It's a great beginning, and I'm really impressed by your English, considering you're from Italy. You made a... well, stupid mistake, though. I read your two posts one after another, and while the first one is in past tense, the second ones continues in the present. You should correct this. Also, maybe you should keep some of this stuff for later. Like the part when you talk about him thinking about his targets like pieces of meat and how he doesn't like to know their names. He's a cold-blooded killer, and I think you should make him unreadable to the reader at the beginning, and then continue gradually showing us his personality and making him more and more of a human being, not very unlike ourselves. Well, that's just what I think.

I'll be reading the rest!

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Ilan Bouchard

I liked this as well. There were many awkward sentences in there, so I suggest going back and re-writing just a little. Other than that, it was particularly interesting to read these two paragraphs inside the mind of this dude. I especially liked that he was superstitious.

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Ruthless comments encouraged!

gohn67

I liked this alot Rico. Reminds of this movie I only saw the end of, but it Reminds me of a movie, I think its called The Profesional or Leon.

Lady Blueberry , pointed out the biggest mistake you made.

I'm not really sure I understand what you meant in this paragraph was saying. It seems really contradictory. Also the last sentence is the one that really throws me off.

The rest was well written and very enjoyable to read. Continue with this piece. I like it.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Rico

Thanks all for reading this. As to the difference in tenses, well that's a stupid mistake on my part. I write this in Italian first (it's a lot easier for me to think in Italian than in English) and when translating, I must have just screwed it up. Present tense is easier for me.

kittyanne68

i like the idea of this person as just another guy you pass on the street who gets headaches or maybe has to stand in line behind a little old lady with exact change at the store. i especially like that he thinks of the targets as meat, distancing himself so that maybe this guy has a conscience. i definitely want to know more about him.