I just was curious... - Writers Forum

theflyonthewall · 03-15-2005, 05:28 AM

I just was curious if this was any good, and wanted to ask people who really would know, rather than the people who know me, who always say my writing is good because they, well, know me.

Also what could be improved and all that jazz.

It's just a short little thing, here it is:

I Am a Fly
---

I live on deserts of white paint and travel across miles of room as I fly in quick jagged circles. I live to survive so that others of me can continue to inhabit the earth, who also live for the sake of reproduction alone. The meaningless of the endless existence of beings who suffer the burden of living just so that the living can continue escapes me, as I was given the simplest of minds, which allow me only to carry out my one instinctual task. Eternity lasts a day, as my life moves at the pace of a slug, and my body moves as a cheetah, aging me in a few short months.

I sit on the wall and watch you, a giant, which my eyes cannot even fully contain. Your goings on and mine rarely overlap, and chances are you will live your whole life without ever giving mine much of a thought. I observe things others of your kind may always long to, yet never know, and I am oblivious to the privilege.

I carry on with my simple life, eating and breeding, landing on walls and washing myself, unknowingly spreading dangerous organisms from one place to another, flying about in zig-zag patterns . . . until squish -- it's over.

mammamaia · 03-15-2005, 09:06 AM

it's an interesting, quirky autobio, li'l winged one!...

some goofs, but over all, pretty good writing... here are a few of the minor glitches you should have caught with a good proofread, but with your compound eyes, may have missed:

"I live to survive so that others of me can continue to inhabit the earth, who also live for the sake of reproduction alone."

...misplaced clause makes this clunky to read and muddles the meaning... all after 'who' should go after 'me' to make better sense...

"The meaningless of the endless existence of beings who suffer the burden of living just so that the living can continue escapes me, as I was given the simplest of minds, which allow me only to carry out my one instinctual task"

...i'm sure you meant 'meaninglessNESS' and just forgot the final syllable, since it makes no sense as is... as with 'allows' which in your version is missing the final 's' that allows it to refer to its object, 'the simplest of minds'... 'simplest' being the operative word there, not 'minds'... the sentence is overlong, but that seems to fit this off-the-wall [if you'll pardon the pun] piece...

"... much of a thought"

...simply, 'much thought' or 'a single thought' would sound/work better...

...the use of both ellipsis and em dash in the final sentence is clunky... use two of the same, not both, for a cleaner look, better sense...

...it's a truly nifty piece with some gems scattered among the fly spots... my favorite [i think] is, 'I am oblivious to the privilege"...

fly on, fly!... and keep filling those desert-white walls with your glorious graffiti... love and hugs, maia

crzywriter · 03-15-2005, 03:31 PM

all my comments basically mirror mammamaia's, and as she is far wiser than I, I will simply say that I agree with her and tell you that this was very interesting. i don't think i've ever read anything quite like it.

~Crzy

gohn67 · 03-15-2005, 03:35 PM

Definitly an interesting piece. I agree what was said above. Listen to Mamammaia she knows what she's talking about.

theflyonthewall · 03-15-2005, 06:37 PM

Thanks! Is this better?

I live on deserts of white paint and travel across miles of room as I fly in quick jagged circles. I live to survive so that others of me, who also live for the sake of reproduction alone, can continue to inhabit the earth. The meaninglessness of the endless existence of beings who suffer the burden of living just so that the living can continue escapes me, as I was given the simplest of minds, which allows me only to carry out my one instinctual task. Eternity lasts a day, as my life moves at the pace of a slug, and my body moves as a cheetah, aging me in a few short months.

I sit on the wall and watch you, a giant, which my eyes cannot even fully contain. Your goings on and mine rarely overlap, and chances are you will live your whole life without ever giving mine much thought. I observe things others of your kind may always long to, yet never know, and I am oblivious to the privilege.

I carry on with my simple life, eating and breeding, landing on walls and washing myself, unknowingly spreading dangerous organisms from one place to another, flying about in zig-zag patterns -- until squish -- it's over.

mammamaia · 03-15-2005, 06:58 PM

darn near perfect, buzzy one...

giving that close a closer look, i see i overlooked something that doesn't look quite right...

"...flying about in zig-zag patterns -- until squish -- it's over"

that really should be:

"...flying about in zig-zag patterns, until--squish!--it's over."

the reason being, 'squish' is the real 'insert'... the test is to take out the inserted words and see if you have a sense-making sentence/clause without it.