Still a few kinks (part 4) - Writers Forum

Hodge · 03-15-2005, 01:50 AM

Missed it.

gohn67 · 03-15-2005, 02:11 AM

Ok, so now I am sure that this is a future world like I had first thought. I like this idea of a future where everything is more primitive. Its so different from the stories of the future with robots and laser spaceships.

Quote:

“Does the Earth cry when I dig holes in it?” Tucker Cypress asked shakily.

This line was funny.

Quote:

Linn gave me a strange look. “What do you think? If he had been able to he’d have ripped me apart with his bare hands!” she stared upwards for a second. “I think it was mostly because he was overpowered by a woman. These men have it in their minds that they are so much better than the women they live with.” She smiled dryly. “Not much has changed since the age of technology, has it?”

Dialogue didn't make sense here.

Now after this chapter, I am wondering what is going to happen next. It seems almost to perfect for them now.

I think Tom Willow will be back. He's seems like the bad guy of this story.

My only other thing, is I can't picture what their town look like. What kind of clothes? What are their houses made of? Do they have electritcy?

Hodge · 03-15-2005, 02:27 AM

Quote:

My only other thing, is I can't picture what their town look like. What kind of clothes? What are their houses made of? Do they have electritcy

No electricity. Everything else is up to how you perceive it... It's really not important to the story and I'm not good at describing clothes anyway. I really don't have anything specific in mind; just as long as you realize this isn't a modern community...

Quote:

Dialogue didn't make sense here.

Yeah... I was trying to assert Linnea as a very strong willed female character, but I think I've already done it in different ways... And I guess adding a feminist thought into a mostly ecocritical piece doesn't go along so well.

Quote:

Ok, so now I am sure that this is a future world like I had first thought. I like this idea of a future where everything is more primitive. Its so different from the stories of the future with robots and laser spaceships.

Post apocalyptic worlds are always fun because there are so many different directions you can go. I

gohn67 · 03-15-2005, 02:30 AM

Hodge I think you need to a little bit of description of the building structures at least, just so the reader has an idea. Though I did percieve it to be pretty primitive.

Good story though look forward to the next section.

Hodge · 03-15-2005, 02:34 AM

Alright. I'll add a little descriptive paragraph in the beginning...

Hodge · 03-17-2005, 01:25 AM

Alright, here are the big changes I've made.

The dialogue you said didn't make sense is now this:

Linn gave me a strange look. “What do you think? If he had been able to he’d have ripped me apart with his bare hands!” Her gaze lightened and she threw her hands up in the air half heartedly. “He does something stupid that he knows he shouldn’t have done, and then complains when he’s punished! Things really haven’t changed since we were young.”

And here is a descriptive paragraph I added to the beginning of part two:

The village itself was a small collection of houses arranged around a large circle of cobbled road, with other small roads leading through the village itself. The houses were mostly uniform in construction—wooden cottages in varying sizes, built to withstand the cruel winters we experienced.

Let me know if these aren't any good...