Servant_of_Dagon

Light! Unbearable light!
What trickery was this? What was this, at all? He could feel…
Everything was so… defined. As his eyes slowly opened, colours and shapes made themselves present to him, their outlines becoming sharper and sharper until he could take no more. His naked body started convoluting, sending spasms through his limbs. His limbs… he had limbs. They could feel as well. During their involuntary movements, they felt nothing but coldness and hardness. His ears started picking up sounds. It was the giddy muttering of others… others standing around him.

Looking down on him, he realised, as his eyes started to perceive things clearer and clearer. For anyone else it would have been the sight of twelve middle-aged men and women smiling down happily and whispering encouraging words, but not for him. For him, they were grotesque creatures snarling and growling at him, bearing their teeth and taunting their victim. It caused a reaction he hadn’t ever felt before – of course he hadn’t ever felt anything before – and he would virtually never feel again: fear.

The fear caused a physical response; within seconds his brain had ordered his feet to push his body backwards and his elbows to let his trunk rest on them. But alas! The creatures all rushed to him, extending their filthy hands, no doubt in an attempt to maul him! Now came another not-too-oft-used-in-the-future emotion: panic. As it came, his body became subjected to another first: screaming.
Two men took his shoulders, growling softly to him. His panic reached a climax. And look, there came the newest premiere: rage. His hand curved up into a fist and he hit the creature to his right straight in the nose. His fist hit the creature’s face so hard it made a sound as if he had hit a wet pillow – although, of course, he had never heard of a pillow and his only experience with wetness was the blood dripping over his fist. The creature fell to the floor, its nose hidden firmly in its head. Some creatures let out high-pitched cries of terror, the noise shattering his eardrums. Some creatures cowered in the background while the remaining others now all pressed their filthy paws on him in order to keep him down. He could feel every slight little imperfection on them, sense the heat generated by them, smell their awful stench. A newer emotion still arose. One of the most powerful, and unfortunately also one of the most inherent to the species. He hated the creatures. He wanted them to perish. To cease to exist. And he wanted to start and finish that process. That mind-numbingly slow and painful process.

Suddenly, a massive amount of electric impulses were fed into his brain. He screamed again. This time, he felt liberated as all the dirty, dirty appendages were lifted off of him and the creatures got hurled across the room and landed on the floor quite harshly; to his amusement, some even knocked down the cowards in the background. He smiled. He laughed. Yes, this was amusing indeed! He got up and shivered when his feet touched solid ground for the first time. But impulses were nothing new to this entity, no sir! Not anymore!

He took in the room. It was a quite large room with the cold metal table he had been lying on at the centre. Bookshelves made up most of the walls, filled with books of all colours, shapes and sizes. Some books had fallen to the ground as the creatures had hit the shelves. At the opposite end of the table was another, smaller, wooden table with two candles on each end, an opened book and various flasks and bottles containing strange liquids, some bubbling. But he was most interested in the creatures lying about on the floor being confused and hurt. He was about to increase the latter a great deal. One of the creatures was struggling to get off another he’d landed on. He walked over to them and grabbed the thing’s ankles. He raised it up into the air and let him come down on the one on the ground. This he did several times as if he was whipping it. Both screamed. He laughed.
‘Cease immediately, Vessel!’
Surprised, he looked back to where he’d gotten off the table. And truly, there stood a creature slightly older-looking than the rest, waving a hand at him. He realised he understood its snarling this time. Did this mean he could speak their tongue as well?
‘Wh… wh… what iiissss Ve-Vesssselllll?’
The old one rested his hand and looked relieved.
‘It is what you are. It is your destiny.’
‘Dessstineee?’
He dropped the creature’s ankles and left them to their weeping. The older one, the one whose fur moved as he spoke intrigued him.
‘Yes!’ the old one said eagerly, ‘It is what you were meant to be. You have but one aim, one goal to achieve, and you must do it with us. For us. You are going to do great things, the greatest things ever known to man.’
Man?
‘Are youuu maaann?’
‘Yes, I am. I know it is difficult for you to grasp, but…’
‘Am I man?’
‘Only in appearance.’
‘I am not man?’
‘No.’
It was nice to have confirmation, but he did have his suspicions from the first time he’d opened his eyes eight minutes ago.
‘But it isn’t necessary, don’t you see? Once you have reached your goal, men will serve you their entire lives! You would be forever!’
The negative emotions were very unpleasant indeed, but they had practically all originated from his reactions to the creatures. Now that he knew how weak they were, it was unlikely he would fear or panic again. And even if he did, the positive feelings caused by inflicting pain far outweighed them.
As if he was trying to sell the concept of existence, the older one continued: ‘The whole world would be yours, could you imagine what you would be able to do?’
‘Yes’, he answered.
The old man and the buffoons who’d come to stand next to him or behind him all smiled and nodded like idiots at this word.
‘I would kill everyone.’
The smiling stopped and all the heads ceased their nodding. This caused him to have his greatest fit of laughter yet. Before anyone could react, he grabbed the old one by the crane with one hand and by the throat with the other, ripping his head clean off. Again, a couple of the others started to scream. One raised his hand at him as the old one had done, and a great ball of red energy shot out of it, towards him. Little did he know it was fire, and little did he care. He stopped the ball with his two bare hands, made it freeze and shot it back, smashing the creature’s skull. Bad luck for everyone; they couldn’t escape. The door was at the end of the room behind his back. The remaining seven all had to pass him to reach it. A female creature dared first; he made a bookshelf fall on top of her. A male tried to float over him; he grabbed its robe and smashed it into the floor. Two males came at him at once; he knocked their heads together (the cracking sounds in his hands gave him his first erection). A rather inventive one picked up the small wooden table and threw it at him. He stopped it with his mind in mid-air and turned it around. It came so fast it impaled the two last ones to its legs. He gazed around the room satisfied, like a man post coïtus. And, though not a man, he was in fact post coïtus, as the cumshot on the floor indicated. Then, suddenly, he noticed something… The door had been opened! One of them got away! He ran through the door and received a complete sensory overload. It was cold, he heard insects, he saw huge trees and in the far away darkness there were some lights among them. This room he was created in was a small building in a tree, then. A tree. He could tap into the knowledge the creatures infused him with later; for now there were more urgent matters to attend to.

He saw the fugitive, running down the wooden steps protruding from the tree. With an inhumanly fast pace he gave chase, ignoring several steps with each stride. He did not know the danger of falling off, and did not care. When he reached the panting male, he simply pushed him aside, causing him to land face down on the soil three metres below. He jumped off right after it and landed on his feet, with his two hands maintaining balance. The creature tried to crawl away, crying. He tossed it around on its back and held the lapels of its robe.
‘What is my purpose?’
A thin line of blood was coming out of its mouth. ‘I… I…’
‘Tell me what my purpose is and you will not die this day.’
It told him everything, and he compensated it by merely breaking its legs. It would have to find other creatures to kill soon – an erection was a terrible thing to waste. But the night was still young, and so was he. And from the looks of it, it was never going to be different.

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"One easily prefers blisters on his feet over arrows in his arse." -- Boulders

gohn67

Ok, I read it. But I have to got to dinner and have 3 hr class I have to go to. Will be back with better critque later.


Here is general thoughts.

First thing you can do, just for readabilty is to put a space between every paragraph.

Second thing you can do is try to make some of your paragraphs smaller. They are long. Break them up to smaller ones.

I liked the action.

The one half human beast sounds like golem to me.

Tip:If you want more readers to critque your piece, try to other peoples work and comment on htem.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Servant_of_Dagon

Thanks for the tips, I still got a lot to learn. Forum- and writing-wise, that is.

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"One easily prefers blisters on his feet over arrows in his arse." -- Boulders

crzywriter

hey there, servant of the dragon.
i really liked this, it was reasonably easy to read, and it leaves me wanting more.

i have a few little comments, though.

i would use convulsing, though its completely up to you.

two comments about this sentence. first, the first time i read this sentence, i couldn't tell who was looking down on him. second, i would write clearer and clearer as 'more and more clearly'. once again, though, its your choice as a writer.

i think made up is wrong here. there are walls behind the bookshelves, right? in that case, i think bookshelves 'covered' most of the walls would be more appropriate.

erm...what's a crane?

I just found this a little wordy.

the comma is unnecessary here.

hope this helps.

~Crzy

gohn67

OK I reread it again, this time more carefully.

I thought it was interesting. For the most part it was easy to read and follow. Definitely want to know what happens next. How he turns evil?


I thought that this was a cool line along with the others that used. Maybe you over did it a little though. I liked it but you did it a lot early and then stopped.

I don't know about the thing with the erection and cumshot. That was kind of strange.

Impressions of the story. Hopefully this is what you want me to think. If not then you have to try to find a way to convey what you want.

The main villain seems to me to be very young, like 12-14 years old.

Um not really sure why this story begins here with the villain.

Who I think is captured by some beasts that look like
golem or ogres as a child.

THe beginning paragraph seems kind of strange to me, becuase it sounds as if he was just born. But it seems like he can have an erection and talk so I guess not.

First you say men then they are creatures? I;m not sure if its the men who were carrying him away before the creatures ambushed or just the creatures taking him away.

What do the creatures look like? Right now all I can see is a bunch of golems. Becuase of the way they talk.

Also some paragraphs are too long and seem to change subject mid way through. Break into a new paragraph when you change subject.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Servant_of_Dagon

There are no creatures. They're creatures in the villain's eyes, but they're just men. I wanted to show the villain's distaste for humans. In fact, I think the only thing close to a golem is the villain himself.

But seriously, thanks to both of you guys!

Crane should be... cranium, I see now.

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"One easily prefers blisters on his feet over arrows in his arse." -- Boulders

gohn67

Oh ok. So is the villain a creature?

Ok, so the villain is hte one that talks with the slur?
Not sure who is talking in this now

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Servant_of_Dagon

The one with the slur is the villain, yes. The regular sentences are from the old man he kills later on.

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"One easily prefers blisters on his feet over arrows in his arse." -- Boulders

gohn67

Ok, I think you need to make that part clearer then. Becuase you its hard to tell who's talking.

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The Frowning Dog Blog