First paragraph... - Writers Forum

Napalm Mind · 03-13-2005, 12:31 AM

Hey guys, first post here. I'm starting a book and I wanted to hear your thoughts. Any help is appreciated, thanks guys

"Now that I fired the gun, everything seems real again. It is as if I just woke up in this dirty parking garage. The blood on the wall and floor seem real enough, as do her wide, glazed eyes. Before this I could have sworn I was dreaming. For the past month my life has almost been a dream itself. I ran here, I ran there, with no real idea of what would happen next. On second thought, maybe running blindly through a zigzagging path is the way of the world. Ever since I opened that first envelope, my simple life turned into a maelstrom of chaos. I can still see the photograph as if it is right in front of me; their beaten faces, the gags in their mouths, and the look of quintessential terror in their eyes. I love them so much, but now as I look at the body on the ground I am beginning to wonder if their lives are worth what I have to do to get them back. The cordite smell coming from the revolver is making me nauseous, or maybe it’s the fact that that I just killed a complete stranger that’s causing my stomach to have second thoughts about that taco I had earlier. Now that I completed this task maybe it’s over and now I can see them again. Then again, I get my hopes up every time."

gohn67 · 03-13-2005, 12:36 AM

Sounds interesting. A bit confusing, may need some paragraphs, not just one huge chunk.

Try that first. And then I'll read it again.

Selorian · 03-13-2005, 01:48 AM

Hello Napalm,

I think what you have is a pretty good start. It grabbed my interest and held it. Overall, it is fairly well written and it seems to flow well. The sentences aren't overly descriptive, structured just about the way they should be. I look forward to seeing more!

Gohns suggestion is right, it could maybe be made into more than one paragraph. If you do so, use spacing between the paragraphs. It makes it so much easier on the eyes that way. Also, I would suggest an introduction of yourself in the Introduce Yourself section. People will be more likely to offer there help if they know a little about you. That, and we are friends here, so we like to know one another. The last thing, be sure to read and comment on others work. We are all about helping one another and you get what you give here. Help others and they will help you. Nice to have you, I look forward to finding out more about you in Introduce Yourself.

Cliff

Ayoshin · 03-13-2005, 01:51 AM

it was pretty good, the first sentance really grabbed me, i kept asking why did he fire the gun? or more importantly who at? good job.

orizinet · 03-13-2005, 06:39 PM

Excellent first sentence. The conclusion piques my curiosity as well. It's a little choppy though, and there are some good places you could brake it up. For instance, you start by giving a sense of realization, yet then digress into a previous dream(ing). I think the order would work better the other way around. Explain how his/her life was like a dream, then enter the realization. Especially since you then go back to talking about a queasy stomach. I think it's a disconnected thought (and if on purpose, make it more pronounced).

Otherwise, well done.

Also, consider a comma between Before this, and I could have sworn. "Before this, I could have sworn I was dreaming." Trivial, but I think it would add effect.

Hodge · 03-14-2005, 03:52 AM

I agree with the previous posters that this should be broken up into two paragraphs. I do like the first sentence, it sets the scene of the story very well (as far as I can tell) and draws you in. With that said, here are some specific things:

Quote:

It is as if I just woke up in this dirty parking garage.

I recommend saying "it's" instead of "it is." The latter sounds very formal and not at all how someone would talk. Since it's being told in first person, it just doesn't sound like it fits.

Quote:

Before this I could have sworn I was dreaming. For the past month my life has almost been a dream itself.

This sounds redundant. Either one of the sentences will do (I like the second one personally), but not both.

Quote:

The cordite smell coming from the revolver is making me nauseous, or maybe it’s the fact that that I just killed a complete stranger that’s causing my stomach to have second thoughts about that taco I had earlier.

I don't know, this one just seems a bit redundant and drawn out. Maybe if instead of saying "making me nauseous" you say "making me sick." That way we see that he's sick and then it goes into specifics without being redundant.

Besides a few things, it looks great!

EArabhorse · 03-14-2005, 05:19 PM

I like it! It definitly grabbed my attention from the start, though I would review that part about being sick, and maybe mix it up into a few paragraphs, like others have said.
I really like it, I think in this you show a nice writing style, I'm looking forward to reading some more.

k_jyuu · 03-15-2005, 10:29 PM

Pretty good but I'm a little lost, how many people were killed? You refer to the dead as "thier" or "them" but then go on to say "killed a complete stranger". Is it singular or plural?