Riders of the Realm preveiw, TOTALLY revised - Writers Forum

Ayoshin · 03-12-2005, 11:16 PM

yay! i've totally revised it so check it out again please(didnt want to make it cliche) i just started writing it and would like some opinions so please post or do whatever you need to inorder to give me your criticism.

Thanks,

Ayo
PS its not alot but all this is 367 words

Riders of the Realm
By
Ricky Wright

Chapter One

Alec peered through the brush of the thick forest. He hoped to see the deer he’d been tracking for hours now.

“No sign of that stupid animal anywhere!” Alec mumbled angrily. He sat down on a patch of green grass and took out a small piece of bread from his pack. Alec ripped a piece of it off and put it into his mouth.

“I wish that the deer would just come out so that we could get this over with,” Alec told himself. “I have to get some food so I don’t waste money on nasty market meat during the winter.” Alec finished his bread, got up, and dusted himself off. He headed towards a small thicket and quietly looked inside to see if it hid the deer he was searching for. SNAP!

*****
Alec opened the door to his small room at the local inn. He dropped his pack next to the nightstand and fell onto his bed. Face in his pillow, Alec thought about all the rotten luck he’s had lately.

What am I doing wrong?, Alec thought. I am the best hunter in the town and I haven’t gotten one deer in weeks.

There was a knock on the door. Alec sat up and waited for a moment. As he got up there was another knock.

“I’m coming! Hold on.” Alec opened the door to see Corona, the old inn keeper.

“Alec! It’s been a week since rent day and you still haven’t given me the money!” Corona belted out.

Alec rolled his eyes, “I’m sorry Corona but I just don’t have any money right now! I’ll pay you in two weeks.”

“No, no, no, no! You pay me in five days or I will kick you out of here! You got that, Alec?”

“Five days!” Alec started complaining, but Corona had already walked off. “That’s impossible! Well, at least for me!”

Alec slammed the door and leaned on it. He then went to his nightstand and took out a small pamphlet. The title read “Join the Riders of the Realm.”

“Why did I pick this pamphlet up anyway?” Alec asked himself. “The recruitment building is on the coast. I’m never going there!”

gohn67 · 03-12-2005, 11:29 PM

Good start. Not much else I can say.

Quote:

Alec peered through the brush of the thick forest. He hoped to see the deer that he’d been tracking for hours now

Nice opening paragraph. Makes me have questions already, of what is going on, why he is there, etc.

Quote:

Alec was an impatient fifteen year old who just wanted to go back before it got dark.

I think you can show this in the story instead of jsut telling it.

Ayoshin · 03-12-2005, 11:31 PM

ya i have written more than that that i think applys it but im not posting it just yet

Ayoshin · 03-13-2005, 01:45 AM

*waits for more reveiws* lalala

crzywriter · 03-13-2005, 01:48 AM

tell you what. you go critique three things and i'll critique this.

Ayoshin · 03-13-2005, 01:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzywriter

tell you what. you go critique three things and i'll critique this.

ok i saw a post saying you give what you get and i started crtiquing

crzywriter · 03-13-2005, 02:10 AM

okay i'm back. i agree with gohn. the second paragraph could use more showing, less telling.

onto the third paragraph. if you're tracking a deer, would you really peer into a thicket to see if its there? wouldnt that scare it away?

anyhow, i like the story and would be interested to see where it goes.

~Crzy

Ayoshin · 03-13-2005, 02:12 AM

thanks, and im going to revise it so it shows his impaitance and so he "quietly" peers into the thicket.

thanks again,

Ayo

Selorian · 03-13-2005, 02:25 AM

Ayoshin, there really isn't much to go on yet, so as for the story, I'm not able to comment much. What I can do is offer some advice on the writing itself. It may seem a little extreme, but these are things which will really improve your story. They are meant to be helpful and I don't want you to feel discouraged. I wish someone would have pointed things like this out to me when I first started. Anyway, here we go.

Quote:

Alec peered through the brush of the thick forest. He hoped to see the deer that he’d been tracking for hours now.

The second sentence would be stronger if you drop the that. I now make it a habit to reread and anytime I see where I wrote that, I see what it sounds like without it. It is an often overused and misused word you can do without.

Quote:

“No sign of that stupid animal anywhere!” Alec mumbled angrily. He sat down on a patch of green grass and took out a small piece of bread from his pack and took a bite out of it. Alec was an impatient fifteen year old who just wanted to go back before it got dark.

The second sentence here could be broken into more than one. It would flow better and make them stronger that way. Also, try not to use the same word twice close together, as you did with took. I agree the last sentence could be worked more smoothly into the story. Maybe work in the age thing later on sometime. The part about wanting to get back before dark could possibly be worked into one of the new sentences made from the second line.

Quote:

“I can’t go back though,” Alec told himself. “I have to get some food for my family before winter arrives.” Alec finished his bread, got up, and dusted himself off. He headed towards a small thicket and peered inside to see if it hid the deer he’d been searching for.

The dialogue in the first lines seem to be too much telling. I think it would be better if it was worked in somewhere else. In the last sentence, you use peered again. It was already used at the beginning, so try to use another word here.

I hope this helps. I look forward to seeng more of this.

Cliff

Ayoshin · 03-13-2005, 04:05 PM

selorian,

true, i do use some words over and over again and need to get better at that. i was thinking about changing the second paragraph, but i might change the whole thing because i planned something to happen that is kind of cliche. i'll start rereading and see if i need to drop the thats more often.

Thanks for the helpful advice,

Ayo

Ayoshin · 03-13-2005, 10:53 PM

*bump*

cwilson · 03-13-2005, 11:10 PM

well, its mostly all been said, and it is difficult to give comments on such a short piece. You throw out a couple of hooks with this, and provoke a few questions that i, as a reader, would love to have answered in your next installments.

I noticed a lapse into present tense it doesnt look like any one else has said anything about, and sinse this is your "revised" edition it is worth pointing out.

Quote:

Alec opened the door to his small room at the local inn. He dropped his pack next to the nightstand and fell onto his bed. Face in his pillow, Alec thought about all the rotten luck he’s had lately.

Just replace "he's" with "he'd". Easiest edit ever.

And lastly, keep work on it! It is short, which is probably because the opening scene is wanting for more descriptions and a bit of character development.

-Wilson

Ayoshin · 03-13-2005, 11:14 PM

thanks CW, i will see how the he'd thing works right now and i'm working on a dream scene and i need a name for teh town(all the name generators i've been to are just people names, they need places) anyway, this is just the first couple paragraphs in the first chapter, i'll post teh first chapter when im done an see how it goes

Thanks again,

Ayo

mammamaia · 03-14-2005, 11:35 AM

sorry, but the plethora of 'alec'-beginning sentences and egregious other repetitions of the name turned me off before i'd gone past the third paragraph...

Ayoshin · 03-14-2005, 07:43 PM

ya, i tend to put the name of the character doing the action infront of the sentence. i need to get better at tehat and if you guys had any tips on it i would be more then delighted to here them.

thanks,

Ayo