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Critique and Advice Works seeking critique, advice or assistance.

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Old 03-12-2005, 07:04 PM   #1
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 4
Tanaki-Kun
Freedom, A short story (Is not done, I need help,)

Tanaki here, I took my time with this one, editing as I went along.
2 hours, Maybe more.
I need some reveiws ~Please~

And also. What happens next :S
--------------------------
Freedom

He had always wanted to get out,, since the first day..


It had been two years since he was detained,
the court ruled it as a "Life sentence"
He had no family, His previous girlfriend had left him for another..
"I wont go out with a man who'll steal my purse at the movie" she had reasoned after she found out.
The rest of his relatives had been dissesed in various ways over the years.
Car crash, Murder.. You name it, It had happened to one of Jack Spencers relatives.

Spencer had has so much promise as a young boy, when his mother and father died, he just gave up.
There was nobody to support him.
Nobody to congratulate him.
Nobody to help him with his math.
He had nobody, nothing.

He turned to stealing and theivery, He was already a resourseful "hacker" on the 'net, Stealing from online bank accounts hosted by banks such as Citibank and The National, He had made most of his overall wealth with the Online Banking method.

Somewhere along the way he got bored of it, Maybe it was when he saw the new Movie at "Jennies Movies" He might have realised so much promise, So much profit he could make from stealing items.
After a while, Two or three years, Nobody and nothing could stop him.
He developed a gang of theives, There were twelve in total. All had their own special talent, firerms, explosives, surveilance and disguise just to name a few.

The gang, was interestingly named "Bankstown Gang" rather after the banks then the town.
Spencer and his team usually brake into a corporate companies building and steal files of importance and large sums of money from the vault, sometimes they would steal equipment too.
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Old 03-12-2005, 07:48 PM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,826
gohn67 is an unknown quantity at this point
I am not going to vote on the poll. It is too limited. Also this isn't a complete story so its hard to judge.

I love your idea. Its great. Your idea is definitly good.

You had some minor grammer and spelling mistakes.

Quote:
Somewhere along the way he got bored of it{b],[/b] Maybe it was when he saw the new Movie at "Jennies Movies" He might have realised so much promise, So much profit he could make from stealing items.
There are a lot of silly grammer mistakes here. Use periods instead of the commas. There are other grammer mistakes just read it.

I like this paragraph though despite the grammer. I like how he suddenly realises that he can make more money by stealing items. I loved that.

Quote:
It had been two years since he was detained,
the court ruled it as a "Life sentence"
He had no family, His previous girlfriend had left him for another..
"I wont go out with a man who'll steal my purse at the movie" she had reasoned after she found out.
The rest of his relatives had been dissesed in various ways over the years.
Car crash, Murder.. You name it, It had happened to one of Jack Spencers relatives.
I liked this paragraph or paragraphs. It was formated funny to me. I am not sure if that was on purpose. One line per sentence. I loved what she says "I won't go out with a man who'll steal my purse at the movies"

Keep working, this story is coming along fine so far for a rough draft.
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Old 03-12-2005, 08:34 PM   #3
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Tanaki-Kun
*Big grin* I'll get straight to work on that one
Umm, Whats a period?
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Old 03-12-2005, 10:12 PM   #4
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Tanaki-Kun
Anyone got some more help for me , I need what should come next ><
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