Childhood - First writting - Writers Forum

theben · 03-11-2005, 11:34 PM

My first ever written text.
(By that I mean peotry, stories, etc.)

I guess you can say it's a poem

-+ Childhood

The train tracks you walked,
as a young boy.

The pretty girl you stalked,
at the street corner.

The stoned wall you chalked,
on highway 45.

The brith of a child grown,
dont let life pass you by.

-+ by: Ben

Comments/Suggestions

leslie0629 · 03-12-2005, 02:20 AM

Good start, but I don't think it really made sense. You should add more to it, it would establish more of an image.

You should try reviewing other pieces of work. I learned from gohn myself that most people won't review you until you critique three other works for every story you submit. They also have to show that you put thought into what you said. Good luck.

mammamaia · 03-12-2005, 10:10 AM

i don't care if you critique others' work or not, so i'll give you the benefit of my perspective as a full time, long time poet...

first, you need to proofread your work and fix the spelling goofs... it's hard to take someone seriously as a 'writer' or 'poet' if they don't respect the respective art enough to correct major basic mistakes, right?

so:
stoned should be stone
brith should be birth
dont should be don't

and punctuation also needs to be done correctly, both as a measure of respect for the craft, and so the reader can know how to read the work...

so:
since those couplets are all just fragments, they should not be capitalized and punctuated as sentences...

as for the content/meaning, the first three stanzas are quite good, goofs notwithstanding... but the final one makes no sense either in wording, or in re what precedes it... i can see where you want to go there, but it doesn't work with that wording...

try again, but with a better 'summing up'... perhaps more is needed before you get to that bottom line, to connect it to the rest...

here's why i have trouble with the last 2 lines:

"The brith of a child grown, "

how can a grown child be born?...

"dont let life pass you by."

what does that mean, in the context of what's been said in the lines before it?... your 2 + 2 is not equalling 4, sorry to say...

finally, you should dump that -+ bit unless it has some meaning relative to the title/poem... if it does, it's not coming across to the reader...

you have a good idea here, and a very strong, impactful three stanzas... all you need to do is fix the minor goofs and then work on tying it all up so it makes sense...

hope this helps... love and hugs, maia

03-12-2005, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by theben

The stoned wall you chalked,
on highway 45.

The birth of a child grown,
dont let life pass you by.

There needs to be something between the last two stanzas. The thought isn't quite complete.