LostWords

Please do not pay attention to the spelling or grammar, I have yet to really edit it. I am having trouble adding detail as you might notice. The story seems to grasp attention right away but dies off fast, so any comments are welcomed. If it matters I wrote all this in 10 minutes today during class (wasnt paying attention to what ever the teacher was saying). So here it is..

[disc:a0cb9a4f7e] foul langyuage [/disc:a0cb9a4f7e]


I crawled out from under the car, goddamnit I thought it seems like everything I touch gets destoryed.

-- Zack!? -- I crept out loudly with a screetch in my voice.

-- Where the fuck are you? -- I heard a loud moan from under the car, foloowed by a body slowly crawling out I rushed over to him and dragged him out. He layed there in the sundryed desert with omounis skys above us. I left him there in search of some baggage.

-Flash Back -
I was driving down this godforsaken road, Zack was in the passenger seat singing along to some dumbass song the radio was trying to pick up. Minutes passed in silence, the alcohol had gotten to me a few hours before and I still had a hang over. The sun creeked through the cloudy dark sky, I lost controll and hit a pot hole, 80 miles an hour... the car flipped out of controll and hit a catus, sending our baggae every where as well as nearly destorying the car --

I found a gallon of water layed out down the road and walked with it and hand back over to Zack. I poured some of it on him to lifen him and lift him a bit and gave him the rest to drink.

-- Drink up -- I looked at him, now sitting up againts the badly damaged car, it looks totaled but then again it did before the wreck. I could repair this though, or I hope I can. Just add a new tire and rev the key ten or twenty times and it should start.

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NyteBlade

I'm not too sure about the beginning...you sort of rushed into the story instead of giving the readers some sort of hook to go with. The first paragraph is one of the most important in the story, given it's the first thing that a reader will actually read. It starts off fast as you said, but it might be a bit too fast.

I don't know what you're writing style is (every author has their own), but you might want to try something like (just an idea written by me)...

I crawled out from under the car. I didn't quite know who I got there, but I was pretty sure I knew what had happened. "God dammit," I thought to myself, "It seems like like everything I touched gets destroyed...starting with..."
<flashback here>

I don't know, that's just my try at it and my opinnion. I'd keep it up though, it seems like it'll be an interesting story.[/quote]

LostWords

The flashback stated what happened though

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gohn67

Generl Comments:
This story has some potential, to be good. Defintly seems like you wrote this in ten minutes at school though.
But you could have fixed some of the grammer and spelling errors when you typed this up. It made it a little hard to read.



The good:
I liked the "driving down this godforsaken road" that was a great line.

I didn't like the use of dumbass. It seemed out of place.

Also the sentence sounds like a fragment.

I really liked this line too.
The whole driving in the middle of nowhere idea reminds me of "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas."
That was a great open scene to he movie

Simple but I really liked that line of dialogue.

Critisms

When does the flashback end or does it not end?
I got the feeling that the flashback ended at the start of "I found a gallon of water.."

Also do you really have to use a flashback. I don;t think its necessary. From what I read.

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NyteBlade

I know it stated what happened, but I still think you might've rushed into the story too much. That's just my opinnion though. Hopefully you understand what I mean

LostWords

If you look at it I started with -Flash back- and ended it with a -- after the word car. I really have no clue how to end the flashback so that mark was the only thing I could think of for some reason. Any recommendation for that? I added the flash back mainly so people know how we started the story in a car wreck, because if I was reading I'd be thinking "well how did the car crash anyway?" so I thought that might of been usefull to put.


edit: this was to gohn67's comment

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