lisajane

I'd love some feedback on this. I was toying with a new character idea here and I'm interested to know whether this gets too confusing and if so, how it could be made less so confusing...

Clash

We didn’t expect to die the way that we did. We expected to die of stomach problems due to the sheer amount of Diet Coke we used to drink to keep ourselves sane, but at twenty-nine years old, this way was suitable.

***

By five in the afternoon, everyone else in this mind-numbing corporate office has gone home for the night. They go home, we assume, in their flashy cars to their big fancy houses, where lives their husband or wife and 2.5 children, to eat a meal which has been cooked to perfection. Tonight’s Friday, which means they’ll come back on Monday satisfied due to the sex that took place at the weekly time of the night before, at precisely ten o’clock.

We go home at this time, as well. We drive in our flashy car to our apartment, where we are greeted by no-one, to eat two frozen TV-dinners. It doesn’t really matter when we have sex because we have it when we feel like it and only with ourselves.

At least, that’s what we’d usually do. I’d really like to go home right now but he won’t let me.

Damn right I won’t.

Why not? I’m bloody tired. I’ve worked today and you’ve done shit-all.

Come on. Have a little fun. I want to show you something exciting. Please…

I hate it when he gets like that, his voice so infant-like and cute and showing that he can turn aggressive at any moment. I always agree.

“Aren’t ‘we’ going home tonight?”

We look up from our desk, out towards our office door. The last of the mind-numbing corporate people is leaning against the doorframe. The ‘we’ in their voice was stressed, heavily. “Yes, we are. Aren’t you?”

“Yes. Just letting the pair of you know that you are the last tonight to leave so turn off the lights and lock up after yourselves.”

“Fine.”

“See you both on Monday.”

“Good-night.”

They stare in to our office still, a sneer crossing their lips. A sneer we know all too well. “Did you want something else?”

“No, that’ll be all.” They push themselves off the doorframe and walk away. A few moments pass before they yell out: “Lunatic!”

He wants to yell out but I try to stop him.

She really isn’t any fun. She’s a pain in my ass. “Fuck you!” I yell out, triumphant. I’m disappointed at the lack of response from our colleague.

I sigh at his behaviour. I don’t know why I bother anymore.

We shut down our computer and slip our feet into the high heels under our desk, which he forced me to kick off at exactly 9:01am this morning. We stand up, leaving our paperwork all over the desk. We’d usually take it home, but he says there’s no need to today so we won’t.

The surprise goes all weekend.

I need to do this work.

No, you don’t. Take a chill pill, baby. I’m taking you away on a nice relaxing trip this weekend.

A bed and breakfast? I don’t know if I can put up with you for a whole weekend in bed.

You’ve put up with me for twenty-nine years, I’m sure another weekend won’t hurt.

He’s got a point. At least he’s a better partner in bed than every other lover I’ve had.

I can’t say the same for her.

We stand up, throwing on our business jacket. We straighten our tie in the mirror and smooth down our skirt. We start walking down to the lift to take us home, turning off the lights and locking the doors shut as we go.

In the cold, metal waiting bay, waiting for the elevator to come, we press the arrow that points up.

Why on earth does he want to go up?

She presses the down arrow. Stupid woman. Stupid female.

We’re going up!

We’re going down!

The surprise is upstairs.

You said it’s a trip.

It is.

So why aren’t we leaving the building?

We will. I just want to show you something first. You must trust me somewhat – you’re still alive.

The doors open, we step in, the doors close, we press the button for level twenty-nine. The rooftop.

I link our fingers together in front of us. He pulls our hands behind us. I place our legs together, protecting any modesty I’ve ever had. He controls and we stand with our legs apart.

He controls.

Don’t feel bad.

We don’t even know which gender we are and he tells me not to feel bad. I have to look in the mirror each morning to remind myself I’m female. With a man living inside me. My best friend, my enemy, my lover, the only person who can understand when we’re told we’re insane or crazy or ill… it’s him who should feel bad, I should feel guilty.

The doors swing open, we step out onto the cold cement rooftop, we’re alone out here.

We walk to the edge and look down. Our car sits far below us, waiting. I don’t like his surprise anymore.

Don’t be chicken.

She’s become… more annoying (being kind here) over the past couple of years. So we’re viewed as freaks. We’ve been viewed as freaks ever since we met, at fifteen. Secretly we’d to be everybody else – with spouse and 2.5 children. I don’t view her as my wife – I view her as someone I’m stuck with. Forever.

We don’t have a chance in hell to get married. Not while no-one wants to get into a relationship with someone who can’t make up their mind as to wherever they’re male or female. Things would be much easier if she disappeared and I could finally be a man in a man’s body… no more pink clothing, no more frilly underwear… we both know I’m the stronger of the two, the one who’d survive.

So we going to jump or stand here like scared chickens?

Jump? That’s the surprise?!

This is the best way. You know it is because I know it is and I’ve never been wrong. I know how tired you are of all the shit we get… we can be one person, like you’ve always wanted.

One person. Pity she won’t be around to experience what she’s always wanted. I’ll do it for her.

He’s right. He’s always right. I think.

Are you sure?

Of course.

And we’ll really be one?

We really will. One gender…

Male.

… one personality…

Mine.

… you know it sounds fantastic. Freedom.

We shakily place one foot out over the edge. If he says it’s the best decision, we must know in our heart that it is.

If I die, won’t you die as well?

Don’t be stupid. We can’t both die. Just close your eyes and go.

Our skirt flips up, our tie chokes us and our jacket serves as a cape as we drop towards our car.

We throw our hands over our face and squeeze our eyes shut, as we wait for the impact of bones, skin, muscle and blood destruct against the metal and glass.

If I die, won’t you die as well?

Her words resound inside our head.

Our eyes open in horror.

Oh, shit –

Our body smashes against the metal of our Mercedes Benz.

On the news, one body and two personalities are found dead.

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'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

Mazzie

Very interesting story. Until the first italics I thought I understood what you meant, but then I became unsure. You're right, it might be a bit too confusing for some, but I'm not sure that there's a good way to change it without changing the entire plot, which is a very good plot.

gohn67

General Comments.
I really love this story alot. Its so F-ing Creative. Reminds me of Fight Club sort of. Have you read Chuck Palahnuik? The idea is so good. I found myself enjoying alot of the lines. I love the style you used here. I can't wait to see the revised version. This is my favorite story I've read on this site so far. Its Genius. This is really well written.

You are right it is confusing though. I didn't really get it till the end.
I read it a second time trying to figure out why I was confused. I think it is good that it is ambigous. But some parts need to be cleared up though.


THE GOOD
Great Intro, it hooked me right away. Reminded me of Chuck Palahnuik, there. The last sentence needs some rewording though. Sounds strange.

I like the contrast here that you show. Really great.

Love this sentence. I really like short sentences as they can be very effective. This one was very effective used to me.

Another great short sentence.

Another cool sentence.

Another nice one.

Awesome line.

F-ing great. Your use of short sentences is really effective. You got a great style.

I like this line too.

This is probably my second favorite line of this piece.


CRITISISMS
Most of my critisms come from the confusion I had. I am just going to point them out, the points that really confused me.

I don't think this is needed. Also your story is written in present tense. How do they tell the story if they died? Aslo I think it would be better if the reader didn't know they died. I also like the use of present tense here.
Not really critisism, but I don't know what this means.

Obviously after I read it you change the I here. I got to say that it was confusing, but after thinking about my first reaction was, I think it can work like this. My first reaction was that I couldn't tell what gender the I was. I was thinking I thought the "I" was a chick, then I was like the "I" is a guy. Which fits your story well I guess. But it is still really confusing and can make some people stop reading. Too bad they will miss a great story.

The other thing you can do is try writing it in third person and see how that works. I think it will have a different affect. It will seem more like its two seperate people. It felt like you were trying to get that affect in htis story also.

I just didn't understand this sentence too well.

I loved this sentence. I am not sure what you would do with the "Stupid woman. Stupid Female." I want you to keep it though. Its great. BUt it doesn't fit right.

I see it as a thought that crosses the mind of the Male part of the character. I was thinking italics but that won't work. Since that is used for their internal conversations.

Only thing I can think of is make it a new paragraph. And maybe you a he thought. Though I think that ruins the greatness of that phrase.

Just a minor descreprancy. Earlier you said they've been together 29 years.

Maybe take this out. Its up to you. I think you should take out, so you leave it more ambgious. Makes the reader think a bit.

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gohn67

Anyone that likes FightClub or Depressing stories should give story a shot.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

lisajane

For those wondering, this deals with multiple personality disorder.

Thanks Mazzie.

For the italics.... I should make this clear. Italics is when the male and female peronalities are talking to each other. 'We' is when either one of them or together they refer to their physical self, and 'I' is when one is thinking about the other. I'm pretty sure for every sentence or paragraph I have 'I', there's 'he' or 'she', so the 'I' is from the other gender. It's like if you're talking to someone and you think something about them, but don't say it.

That was the best I could come up with to do with that, I couldn't see another way to write it.

Thanks Gohn. I've never seen Fight Club or read Chuck Palahnuik, so I'm not too sure of the connections there.

The criticisms:

- I agree, I can probably kick out that first paragraph.

- 'shit-all' is just slang. Means you haven't done anything at all and have been lazy.

- I explained the 'I' part further up and like I said, I don't see a way around it. Third person seems to me like I'm not going to capture the personalities talking to each other.

- the partner in bed part means that she views her male personality to be the best lover she's ever had. He doesn't see it the same way about her.

- 'Stupid woman. Stupid female' is a remark on the male personality's hatred to be stuck in a female body. He thinks about it, but he doesn't say it to her.

- I've realised right now I've said they've been together for 29 years. My mistake. They've been together for 15, she's been alive for 29.

- can't take out the last part, that's when they die!

Glad you enjoyed it.

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

gohn67

Read FIght Club the book, by Palahnuik. It also has a plot that revloves around multiple personalty disorder or something similar.

Maybe you can get some ideas of how he did it.

I never read the book, I just saw the movie, so I can't say how that was like.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

Batch

Lisa,

Nice read. I have a fondness for stories of this nature. I think this was deftly done. It kept me guessing as to what the story was actually about until about mid-way through.

I dont really have anything else to say that Gohn hasnt already covered. I agree that possibly the first paragraph could be dropped.

-Batch

lisajane

Thanks Batch . Glad you enjoyed it.

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

NaharaVensar

I really like this story. It was confusing but in the best way. There's that edge where your thinking, what...there has to be something....and you just keep getting pulled in and just wondering what you don't quite get yet. I love that.

All my real problems with it, have already been addressed. So no point in being repetitive.

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Toth, Sarith, Vensari the three that bind.