thehappyhobo

I'm entering this for a competition so I'd appreciate any advice I can get. Thanks.


"Hmm", she sighs, "Its nice"
Rubbing the rough mantelpiece
Looking for yesterdays dust

He looked forward to this.
Happy preconceptions of buying
Their first home. But something amiss

Has him concerned
For her. Of course he believed
She shared his flippant fantasies.

Even now he hopes
She will turn, face shattered
In a smile, throw her arms

Round his neck, kiss him, say
“I love it darling. Lets
Live here forever and ever”

Even now as she scrapes at sentences
“Honey…I, I…Can’t…Just can’t…”
Tears flowing from her unanointed eyes.

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gohn67

Note:I am not too good at poetry. Also you may get some better response at the Poetry section. It seems more active.

I read this over a couple of times. But I could not figure out why the why doesn't want to live in the house. There was no reason.

Also the capitalization of everyline was not necessary.
This is an Example. I don't feel like either of those lines need to be Capitalized, since they are not really the start of a new sentence. It made it harder to read.

"The even now" you used it twice, but I just didn't like that word choice. I'm not sure why.
THe first time its ok, but the second it just sounds strange.

Maybe some more imagery and less telling.
Thats just something my poetry teacher says.

I hope this helped.

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Hodge

I liked it. The capitalized letters are part of what's called "poetic license," Gohn. Basically, normal rules of grammar do not apply in a poem.

It's good, I only read it once through and already I came up with a possible meaning. Very rich, and I couldn't really find any lines that needed to be cut.

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lisajane

I like this. With Gohn, I also think the majority of the capitals could be kicked out. I like how the stanzas run on to each other by sentences.

Now for the parts I don't like. For some reason, I just can't imagine her crying in the end. I imagine her to be cold. Maybe it was the first stanza that set that up for me, I don't know. I'd actually like to read everything from 'Of course he believed she shared his flippant fantasies' to 'Even now as she scrapes as sentences' as a poem on its own (of course it'll have to be edited a bit) because that's what held my attention, not the rest.

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'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'