Short Story - Grandpa's Visit - Writers Forum

leslie0629 · 03-09-2005, 12:33 AM

Hi guys, this is a story that I've currently written for middle school. Can you give me any improvements on it? Thanks.

My grandfather just passed away recently. He was the heart of the family, the gold, or the jewels as most say it. He was what kept my family together even when times were tough. I remember when he used to play computer games with me. He was the best; no one could ever "stoop" up to his level.
My grandpa died sometime in the night. Tears rolled down my eyes, as I watched the ambulance take him away. My grandma had run into the bathroom, the intensity of reality shocked her too much. As for my mom, she was the exact opposite. She sat there, scared stiff. My dad tried to comfort us, but it was no use.
The next day, it was as if my grandfather never existed. My mom returned to the normal, cheery person, and my grandma returned to the woman who was always taking care of her pets. Happy, and subtle. I felt a sharp pain pierce my heart.

How could they feel this way? How could they forget the very existence of grandpa?
The thought raced through my mind.
“What do you want for dinner dear?” my mother asked.
“I don’t care.” I replied coolly.
My mind was clouded in anger and rage. I couldn’t’ take it any longer. I slammed down my fork. My dad peeked from under his newspaper, and my mom turned 360 degrees with flaming eyes.
“LOGAN! What was that for/” she screeched.
“What do you mean? Don’t you exist in reality/ don’t you know that grandpa just died yesterday? How can you be this happy? What the hell is wrong with you?” I yelled back.
My mom burst into tears. I felt guilty. I couldn’t believe that I had just done that to her. I apologized. I now know that people cover themselves up. Create a new mask for them when depression takes over. I feel like an idiot. It’s as if a ton of bricks had suddenly dropped onto my shoulders.
“Wow, look at the time. Time for bed.” My dad said.
My dad hadn’t said that to me in five years. I’m fifteen now, not some ten years old. Still guilty, I trudge up the stairs and go to bed.

The next day, everybody woke up early. It was grandpa’s memorial service, and we didn’t’ want to be late. Everybody quickly dressed in black “mourning” outfits, and we quickly drove to the church across town.
The pastor gave his speech, and we all filed up to take the last look of my grandfather. I was the last one. I stared at him. The last memory I would have of him was lying right in front of me. As I walked away, I felt a strange sensation along my spine.

I walked to school the next day. School was short; I didn’t even pay the slightest attention in class. Most of it passed by pretty quickly. Finally, the school bell rung.

I ran home. I flung open the door, and called my parents. No one was home.
“That’s too bad…..” I muttered to myself.
I dragged myself onto the couch and flipped on the T.V. Nothing interesting was on. Just then, I felt a faint whisper calling my name.
“Logan…” it called.
The sound of it gave me Goosebumps.
“Logan…” It called again.
“Who’s there?” I replied back, with a shaking tone.
Again and again, it called my name in a monotonous tone. I listened carefully, and it leads me to the basement. There were no lights. The windows were the only source of light. The whisper grew louder. I closed my eye’s I was scared. People always say that when you are scared you run. You scream. I finally realize that this is not true. I couldn’t’ move, nor could I say anything.
Infelt icy air on the back of my neck. The shutters slam down. The room almost grew pitch black. I turned around. No one was there. The whispering stopped, but the husky breathing grew louder. Once again, warm air landed on the back of my neck. I turned around again. This time, my grandfather stood before me. He looked different. His skin was pale gray.
“Logan.”
“Grandpa? Is that really you?”
“Yes it is.”

I couldn’t believe it. I was atheist, I never believed in any religion. Yet, my grandfather stood before me. I reached out my hand and tried to touch him. It went right through.
“Are you a ghost?” I exclaimed.
“In a way.” He said.
I didn’t know whether he was an “it” or a “he.” I have never come face to face with something like this before.
“Well, why are you here?” I said, trying to start a conversation.
“I want you to do something for me Logan. I want you to tell everybody how I love them, and how I miss them a lot. Tell them that I will always be watching over.”
“They would never believe me!” I said.
“Here, give them this.”
He handed me a cassette tape. I looked down at it. When I lifted my head, he was gone.

I heard the door fling open. My mom was standing in the doorway peering inside with squinting eyes.
“Logan, what are you doing down here?”
“Nothing, I was just looking through grandpa’s stuff. I found this tape.”
Her eyes glittered as if she saw gold. She rushed to me and took the tape from me. We both ran up to the living room. We put it in the cassette player.

“My wonderful family. If you are hearing this right now, I am probably not here anymore. There are many things that I still want to tell you. You guys have always made me proud. I will always miss you……”
My mind drifted off. The depression I had suffered had finally been wiped clean.

Word count: 997

gohn67 · 03-09-2005, 03:12 AM

Welcome to the site. Are you going to do a post and run?
You should hang around the forum a bit. Try to comment on other people's pieces. I think it can help improve you're writing. Because you'll read other people's writing and it will give you ideas for stories and you'll learn what not to do in a story and things you can take from the author's style. If you want to improve that is a good way to get better. Reading alot is good too.

Quote:

I closed my eye’s I was scared. People always say that when you are scared you run. You scream. I finally realize that this is not true. I couldn’t’ move, nor could I say anything.

Oh man, I loved this line. It was so good.

I think you did a good job of portraying your characters depression- the dinner scene, and even little things like how he slammed the door and watches tv restlessly.

You also had some pretty good metaphors and similes
'flaming eyes", "It’s as if a ton of bricks had suddenly dropped onto my shoulders. "

At first I thought you were writing a true story. It had that feel to it. Like you were kind of reminicing about the something in the past. But once you got to the whispering voice and the ghost. I realized this was Fiction.

I think you are writing this story in past tense. But there are times you deviate and change to present tense. I had the same problem. I didn't stop doing it until I got to college.

Here is an example. You can look for the rest

Quote:

My mom burst into tears. I felt guilty. I couldn’t believe that I had just done that to her. I apologized. I now know that people cover themselves up. Create a new mask for them when depression takes over. I feel like an idiot.

Quote:

I walked to school the next day. School was short; I didn’t even pay the slightest attention in class. Most of it passed by pretty quickly. Finally, the school bell rung.

This paragraph was kind of unneeded. Judging by the way it was written. I think you didn't really want that paragraph either. Since the whole school thing is pretty much irrelevant here.

For the paragraph after this, just add something like After I got home from school. or something like that.

The whole grandpa coming back as a ghost thing felt kind of clique.

Hopefully this was helpful. You did a good job.

leslie0629 · 03-09-2005, 06:15 PM

That's very very helpful. No, I'm not going to post and run xD i'm going to stick around. I love writring, althuogh I'm still in middle school. Do you guys have anymore advice so I could make this "spiced up?" I have to revise this for Open House =/. If not, I'll see what I can do, and go from there! Thanks alot

gohn67 · 03-09-2005, 06:21 PM

^Well some posters have a rule on here that they won't respond to you unless you critqued 3 peices of work on this site. So they make sure you are going to also give and not just recieve.

So I suggest trying to critque a few pieces. It doesn't have to be indepth, but at least show you put some thought into what someone wrote.

I am sure you'll get some responses after you do that
It is frustrating sometimes that you don't get very many responses.

If you want you can read my story. Its called the Dillinger Escape Plan and sadly the story has not had many responses. Go check it out. (Sorry Shameless Plugging of my piece)

Keep at it though and don't get discouarged by the lack of responses.

leslie0629 · 03-09-2005, 06:27 PM

Okay I will do that. Thankx

crzywriter · 03-09-2005, 11:37 PM

very interesting. i am one of the people that gohn mentioned that requires an intro and 3 critiques, but i'll make an exception because i really liked this, and you've already got two. i don't think you're going anywhere.

you have a few grammar issues, but nothing major and I'm honestly a little too tired to point them out. comma stuff, really.

i understand the situation in this family. My grandmother died this past summer and my family went through the same kind of thing. it's all about creating that mask.

i also really liked the spooky, supernatural-ish feel of the end. that, i think, added spice to it.

hope this helps.

~Crzy

Talia_Brie · 03-11-2005, 12:44 AM

I wasn't terribly happy with the content, but it's not disasterous. I thought a few of the changes, emotionally for example, just happened too quickly, and I don't think you addressed the appearance of the ghost very well.

But those problems are probably based on inexperience rather than lack of ability. I think you know exactly what youre' trying to do here, and you've made a pretty good shot at it.

Some style problems that I thought I'd point out:

Quote:

The next day, everybody woke up early. It was grandpa’s memorial service, and we didn’t’ want to be late. Everybody quickly dressed in black “mourning” outfits, and we quickly drove to the church across town.

The pastor gave his speech, and we all filed up to take the last look of my grandfather. I was the last one. I stared at him. The last memory I would have of him was lying right in front of me. As I walked away, I felt a strange sensation along my spine

Repetition. I've highlighted words that are clustered together. You should try not to use the same word (or words of similar derivation) in groups like this.

Quote:

Tears rolled down my eyes

Tears roll from your eyes, or down your cheeks. Be careful about these kind of descriptions. It does jar the reader a little. I also had a lecturer who would rave about wander body parts. e.g. 'My eyes followed her as she crossed the room. ' Now, I didn't see that anywhere here, but it's a similar kind of problem. Make sure you're describing body movements accurately and efficiently.

Just some advice.

Otherwise I thought this was a pretty good effort at trying to come to grips with some reasonably powerful emotions. Grammatically it wasn't perfect, but it was pretty good, and that's more than we can say for a lot of the stuff that gets posted here.

Glad you joined the forum, and I hope you hang around.

Ayoshin · 03-13-2005, 02:05 AM

Awesome! i loved the scared line also, it shows what true fear really is! i think your teacher would like, since im in middle school to i know what they're like, good job! hope you do more