How does this look for a story intro? - Writers Forum

Kamisama · 03-08-2005, 06:02 PM

It was another cold and wasteful day in which I walked this earth searching for something I knew wasn’t there, searching for something people told me didn’t exist. I didn’t care about any of that though. I decided that if the world I lived in didn’t exist, I would make it exist. That’s how I thought in the past about life. I now know that through all the hard work and effort I put into trying to make myself happy in life that none of it was good enough. I always felt that people around me weren’t human. I sometimes think I’m not like everyone else. Having been through a mental institution as a toddler and being mentally and physically abused through the past I’m just not like everyone else, and no one is like me. Sure, I’ve met people who have problems in life, some worse than mine, yet there is that key character personality I find in the most ruthless people that existed through history that I can relate to, not the capitalist pigs, but the revolutionaries.

Many people state that Anarchy is perhaps the most ridiculous and ludicrous idea ever conceived as a government form by man because it would be seen only to create more violence and corruption. That was true when America went through that stage five years ago. There was this forum where people gathered that I was a member of, to discuss chemical, biological, and germ warfare, along with politics and to share their knowledge of trades and skills they had. These members all believed that acting like an idiot and having a normal schooling background made people look normal. When we were out in the world, we weren’t to talk to each other. There were about fifty members in each city with one leader member from each city that spoke to the head leader of that state. These members created a think tank alliance that helped each other through schooling using the technology that was provided to people in the late 90s and early 00s. They each became their own Macgyver with each one providing other members with the knowledge in a trade they had. This think tank eventually over the years had members who became lawyers, politicians, chemists, physicists. These members eventually took over their cities and became mayors of their city and council also. This society was known as the Gray Hand Society.

Anidazen · 03-08-2005, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kamisama

It was another cold and wasteful day in which I walked this earth searching for something I knew wasn’t there, searching for something people told me didn’t exist. I didn’t care about any of that though. I decided that if the world I lived in didn’t exist, I would make it exist. That’s how I thought in the past about life. I now know that through all the hard work and effort I put into trying to make myself happy in life that none of it was good enough. I always felt that people around me weren’t human. I sometimes think I’m not like everyone else. Having been through a mental institution as a toddler and being mentally and physically abused through the past I’m just not like everyone else, and no one is like me. Sure, I’ve met people who have problems in life, some worse than mine, yet there is that key character personality I find in the most ruthless people that existed through history that I can relate to, not the capitalist pigs, but the revolutionaries.

Many people state that Anarchy is perhaps the most ridiculous and ludicrous idea ever conceived as a government form by man because it would be seen only to create more violence and corruption. That was true when America went through that stage five years ago. There was this forum where people gathered that I was a member of, to discuss chemical, biological, and germ warfare, along with politics and to share their knowledge of trades and skills they had. These members all believed that acting like an idiot and having a normal schooling background made people look normal. When we were out in the world, we weren’t to talk to each other. There were about fifty members in each city with one leader member from each city that spoke to the head leader of that state. These members created a think tank alliance that helped each other through schooling using the technology that was provided to people in the late 90s and early 00s. They each became their own Macgyver with each one providing other members with the knowledge in a trade they had. This think tank eventually over the years had members who became lawyers, politicians, chemists, physicists. These members eventually took over their cities and became mayors of their city and council also. This society was known as the Gray Hand Society.

Kash, I have to be totally honest here, I was struggling to read through this. I think you need to proofread this a bit, and get it to flow better.

Pulling a sentence out at random here:
"This think tank eventually over the years had members who became lawyers, politicians, chemists, physicists."

This needs to either be:
"Over the years, this think tank had members who eventually became lawyers, politicians, chemists and physicists."

Or "This think tank, over the years, had members eventually who went on to become lawyers, politicians, chemists and physicists."

No major problems, but I'm afraid the small ones are consistant.

<3 · 03-08-2005, 10:37 PM

Interesting, somewhat scary. I'd love to see it continue.

Beside what Anidazen pointed out I saw a few things myself.

Quote:

There were about fifty members in each city with one leader member from each city that spoke to the head leader of that state...

This could easily be changed to...
There were about fifty members in each city; each with one leader member. That member spoke to the head leader of that state

Makes it a bit simpler and eliminates the repeated word.

I also feel that first paragraph needs an over haul. the ideas and thought although good are very jumbled, I think you should go through it and expand on some of those ideas to give them meaning a purpose in this paragraph and if you plan to go into detail on these events later in the story you can kick them all together.

Also the opening sentence i think isn't the best idea it’s very misleading.

Quote:

It was another cold and wasteful day in which I walked this earth searching for something I knew wasn’t there, searching for something people told me didn’t exist.

You start off talking about not just any cold day but 'another cold day' giving it a lot of significance then this day quickly looses all importance as you jump into the meat of the story.

I think changing that to first sentences would help the story

"Cold and wasteful days in which I walked this earth searching for some thing I knew wasn't there... ...people told me didn't exist. I didn't care about that any more."

You see by making it vaguer if you will you avoid this 'misleadage' if you will.