Shoujoka

=D

Batch

Shoujoka,

Tell you what. Go and introduce yourself and then make 3 comments on other peoples work and I promise I will come back and critique this.

Batch


Ilan joo like??

valeca

I liked the overall idea. I think you really got across her nervousness and sense of being isolated at a new school.

It was an interesting read, definitely. It did tend to run on a little in places, but not horribly so.

A few minor glitches with wording, and punctuation needs a second pass..but all in all, a great start.


Oh, you used 'they're' in place of 'their' once, as well. And a 'was' where a 'were' should be. I'm sorry, I'm in a lazy mood or I'd find them for you.

One question I have to ask. Why the permission slips? What is their purpose? To take the class? Not being from Texas, this struck me as odd.

And might wanna do as Batch suggested up there. Crit a few things..people will be more likely to return the favour


Good luck.

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"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

Ajax

Wasn't too bad.
Overall I thought it was well written.
Your paragraphs transitioned well.
It looks like you've got all the basics covered.

Keep it up.
Try some third person.

Good work.

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Primarily I'm here for the doughnuts and the duck-dog.

Hodge

Very casual style, very fitting for the type of story you're telling... So far so good. I noticed these things, however:

This needs to be reworded or omitted, because it's in present tense while the rest of your story is in past tense.

It's Texas, which is a pretty conservative state, so if the art class was having nude models I'd understand the permission slips... Otherwise, I don't know. Explain what they're for.

Somewhat awkward to me. It feels as if she doesn't do anything when she says "here are the permission slips and supply lists," but most people would motion towards them or hold them up or something of that sort.

How odd? New age hippie odd? Trying–to–be–hip–but–not–coming–anywhere–close odd?

Usually (in my experience), permission slips don't have to be returned for a week or so, as one day isn't enough for irresponsible adolescents. But it may just be different up here. Also, the last sentence sounds sort of authoritarian to me... Not at all like an art teacher.



Overall, it's written pretty well. You capture a teenage girl's voice very well, and I'd definitely read more if you posted it up.

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Science

lisajane

I don't understand the idea of the permission slips. We only had those if going on an exercusion and had to get them back in a week before each one...

I admit, I started reading this with an eyebrow raised (only cause my own novel's main character is Lexie and she also has come from a girls' boarding school and she doesn't fit in at her new high school but for completely different reasons), but I didn't mind this. I think all the explaining of how small the school was may have been unnecessary and I skimmed through parts of it, but laughed out loud at the 'oh shit' line when she's told they're playing an interactive game.

However, I agree with the others in that you should critique others first...

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'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

Batch

I apologize for taking so long to critique this as I promised...Real life interfered as usual.

I actually liked this even though its not really my genre. Apart from the tense switching I thought it was well written.

I want to suggest that you possibly turn this into a short play. For some reason that is how it read to me...more like a screen play.

Keep writing Shoujoka.

-Batch

Shoujoka

Thanks guys! I made all the changes based off critiques for the first part, and I'm about to post part two.

Part Two is more of a transition into the real novel, how she tries to change herself, moving in to more funny book fodder and more real life revelations. I don't quite know if it fits though. So please help me out here?

****

Part Two

What a day. What a miserable, bofunked, I can’t even describe how bad it was sort of day. I never was big on that whole ‘change’ thing, nah, I like things just the way they were during summer. Every day was the same. People were the same. There were no new beginnings. As long as everything stayed the same, there was no chance of me getting hurt. I may be bored silly, but I wouldn’t be upset, and that’s all that matters.

I sighed as I took a box of Thin Mints out of the freezer and poured myself a glass of milk. Nothing, nothing could cheer you up like a Girl Scout Cookie on a hot afternoon. I had work in half an hour, but I really wasn’t ready to go grind coffee beans for a good four hours. What was I thinking wearing that ridiculous get-up?! I looked like some pop star gone schoolgirl wannabe. I could’ve even passed for a porn star with the way that skirt was so short and those heels were so high. I cringed at even thinking about what everyone else thought of me. My spirits got lower as I relived every moment of my day. I told my chemistry class I learned street fighting from a girl involved in a gang. True, but not very believable. I told my math class that I taught myself three math courses for credits. And to my geography class that I listened to depressing, underground music mostly from the UK. I told my art class that I cooked martial arts for goodness sake’s! I must stick out to them like a sore thumb. It was nice though, those few people who tried to be nice to me. But then I got nervous and clammed up so they left. This sucks. You know what? I’m going to start listening to rap, cheerleading, and shopping at label stores. That’ll work wonderfully because then there would be nothing to criticize. I’d wear Abercrombie and straighten my hair… Maybe even wear lipgloss if I wanted to be bold. It would take a lot of time an effort, but it would be worth it. No matter WHERE I went I’ve never been able to make friends easily. Elementary school, middle school, boarding school. If I pretended to be someone else, I might just be able to get through life by acting. That sounds just about right. Really. And it’s a lot better of a solution than becoming a mime or moving to Mexico, I heard the water wasn’t so good there and black leotards aren’t very flattering.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud, obnoxious horn outside my front deer. Casey was here to get me. I sighed and shoved my last cookie in my mouth gulping down the rest of my milk. I grabbed my apron, my purse, and my nametag and ran out the door as Casey honked again. I gave her a face as I reached under the mat to get the key so I could lock the door and put it back away again. The honking grew more persistent and continued until I opened the door. Slightly annoyed by this point, I chucked my apron at her as I opened the car door.

“What’s your problem?” I asked as I settled in to the passenger seat of her silver Lexus. She was an only child so her parent’s spoiled her to no end. I couldn’t count how many purses she had, or rings, or lipglosses, but they were continuously coming.

“We’re late, you were dawdling, so I was telling you to hurry.” She said as she changed the gear to drive, closing the mirror compact she was using to reapply her lipliner. I looked at her one more time. She was gorgeous as always, but four layers of foundation could do that to you. She had a dark complexion that looked powdery under all her Revlon, and gorgeous dark eyes. It was the Puerto Rican in her, from her mom’s side. She also had long, thick, dark hair that was streaked with blonde highlights she had done herself. She was one of those girls you didn’t want to walk through the mall with because you knew that guys would stop to gawk at her and next to her, you just paled in comparison. But that didn’t really matter much to me, I didn’t mind much what sleazy guys thought about my looks. Plus, Casey and I have been best friend for eleven years. We became friends in Kindergarten but as we grew older we went our separate ways. She became a beauty queen, a ballerina, and a high school queen all in one. She was always popular with her peers, and very talented. She was a great dancer and she was on the drill team in her public high school. She did beauty pageants as well as won them, and the whole high school both fawned over her and feared her. Casey, as much as I love her, can be very intimidating.

I on the other hand, have always been a tomboy. I grew up not very good at social skills but I had my intelligence and my few close friends, that’s all that mattered. In middle school I shopped in the boy’s department and didn’t care much about what I wore or where I wore it. I would even wear my jeans to the middle school Valentine’s dance. The upperclassmen visiting said that ‘I was making a statement, going against the grain, they were so proud’, while I just simply stared at them blankly thinking… I’m just too lazy to buy a pretty dress. Me and Casey were opposites in just about every way, but that’s where we got along so well. She’s the only one I would let put make-up on me and I’m the only one she trusts when it comes to secrets, I don’t gab like other girls. But that was back then, ever since I went to boarding school we had grown apart. She had her life, I had mine. Her life was so busy with dance, pageants, friends, and boys that we rarely had time to hang out anymore, unless it was with her other Class A, alpha-friends. Personally, I’d rather not. So the only time we had to spend together was at work, because we worked at the coffee shop together. But she was planning on quitting because she was getting really, really busy with drill team so I had come to accept the fact that I would have to relent to seeing her even less.

As I stopped overanalyzing my situation I sat back in her leather chairs and breathed a sigh of relief. That’s it. I should become someone more like her. Become someone who’s trendy, hip, and has just the right amount of attitude. I leaned back and listened to her stereo system pumping out songs off that reggae mix I gave her for her birthday with just the right amount of bass and enjoyed the ride. There were bright lights in my future, a little bit of hope for my social standing indeed.

***

Comments and critiques appreciated!

<3 Shoujoka

kittyanne68

wow! you sure brought back all of the reasons i hated high school!

this is good. it reads like a journal so the reader feels honestly involved in this girl's life. she's not pathetic--though she thinks she is--and that comes through beautifully and unforced (lots of showing there). i thought the first part was nearly perfect. the second part has too much telling. maybe try to let casey develop more through the story. once you describe the make of vehicle and leather seats 'trust fund baby' pops to mind. also, just her behavior with the horn blowing and the attitude of her explanation tells us this girl thinks highly of herself and is used to others agreeing with her opinion.
i really like it, overall. it's honest and well told.
good luck

Lady Blueberry

OMG, this was so freaky. Not only am I crazy about Revlon, but I've got a silver Lexus too :p But then you said she was Puerto Rican, and I'm just pale and blonde, which kinda ruined it
Anyways, I love your story and I can't wait to read more. It's true that the second part is a bit of a long read, just because of that huge paragraph about Casey. I'd change that for a dialogue between the two girls. Keep writing!

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