Alright. I chose to read this specifically because I had seen your comment in another thread about not getting enough feedback.
I haven't read the other parts to this (if they were posted, I missed them), so it was confusing with the characters. This could be due to them being introduced in other pieces. You'll have to take what I say with that in mind. It's probably going to seem harsh. It's how I work. Take it for what it is.
That said, here we go...
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so one of the paychecks that I got from work
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the 'that' weakens the sentence. Take it out and see how it reads.
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That was when I met my fiancé and then a couple of months afterward my fiancé and me moved in to an apartment together.
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First: my fiance and
I..not me.
Second: fiance is repetative. And it's very rushed. You took the time to explain about the pay check..but just rushed over the meeting, building of a relationship and moving in. It's almost like two different stories from the first sentence to this one.
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About a month after we had moved in around May of this year, we were sitting in the living room watching a movie and it was kind of late, about 12:00 at night
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You have too many things about time in here, I think. Then you say, 'kinda', and give a spcific time. It's one or the other, not both
If you want to keep it as 12pm..I'd suggest using midnight instead of '12:00 at night'.
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All of a sudden we heard someone knocking at the front door. Now, let me go ahead and tell you about my uncle’s girlfriend: her name is Rachel
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Wait..what?...whoa. You hear a knock late at night, then jump into describing another person? Again, not having read the other sections I had to assume you'd brought Rachel in earlier. But the fact that you start describing her here tells me this can't be. My suggestion: Finish a thought before starting a new one. (And it's a capital after ':'
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her name is Rachel and she cannot stand to be around Chrys because she is really annoying to Rachel and they have come close to fighting before because Chrys does not know how to leave people alone when they want them to.
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To finish off this section: This is a run on sentence. You tend to connect a lot of things with 'and'. Break them up. When I read this, my head went, "What? Who's is Chrys? Weren't we just learning about Rachel?" Using a character to describe another character, like you have here, is going to confuse the reader. A lot.
This is about as far as I got before I had to give up in frustration.
Now, as I said up there, I'm harsh. And picky. So you are free to completely ignore what I've said as it's only one persons opinion: Mine.
I think overall the biggest problem you might be having is you're writing as you see it in your head...as it comes to you.
The problem with doing it this way is you often forget the reader cannot see what you do, and they can very easily get lost.
Getting what you see onto paper for the reader to see is not easy, but I think you can do it if you beark this into tiny chunks and work with each piece individually.
I also think you'd work well with doing an outline, instead of writing as it comes. It'll give you a chance to figure out how to take the reader from A to B to C in a smooth, flowing way.
Ok, That's about it. I hope this helped a little bit. I think you've got some potential here, so I wouldn't want to see you give it up. Keep going...
