The Midriff High School Incident: Threat Analysis Report - Writers Forum

zachblume · 03-07-2005, 09:19 PM

I have been writing this book for a little over a half a month now. Yes, I have been taking it slowly because I want to be very good. No, I am not doing this for profit, just a little random love for writing.

This book starts off by interesting you with legal terminology and it's unique composure, it's style. It's written like a school threat analysis report for a shooting and hostage incident.

The story is written in dialogic records of interviews, news articles and newspaper snippets, medical and legal records, report cards, diaries. To write it is now like writing fiction, it's like I've actually experienced it and am recording it down in any way I can. It slowly, but consistantly pulls you through the mound of emotions and documentary that is the book. Yet it is fiction.

Constructive critisizm appreciated!

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mammamaia · 03-08-2005, 10:46 AM

zach...

i mean this in the most helpful way, so please don't be offended by what i'm about to say, ok?

Quote:

This book starts off by interesting you with legal terminology and it's unique composure, it's style. It's written like a school threat analysis report for a shooting and hostage incident.

The story is written in dialogic records of interviews, news articles and newspaper snippets, medical and legal records, report cards, diaries. To write it is now like writing fiction, it's like I've actually experienced it and am recording it down in any way I can. It slowly, but consistantly pulls you through the mound of emotions and documentary that is the book. Yet it is fiction.

...little annoys me more, than a writer telling me what i will think/feel!... first of all, lecturing on legal jargon and bragging about your style will not 'interest' anyone except maybe your mom...

...next total turnoff is misusing fancy words:

Quote:

written in dialogic records

Definitions of dialogic on the Web:

semantic component that articulates modal relations between universes and between worlds.
www.revue-texto.net/Biblio/Glossaire_en.html

Trade name of a telephony board manufacturer.
http://www.voiceinfo.com/Products/To...lo/MANGLO.html

Telephone Interface Card brand name, known as the "Cadillac" of the industry
www.mindspring.com/~twiggs/glossary.html

and, from the DSM IV [manual of mental disorders]:
dialogic - having to do with dialogue. A dialogic theory of therapy would be one which emphasized the importance of there being room for different opinions to be expressed.

...finally, most folks [me included] are annoyed by posters who want them to go elsewhere to read their work... being too lazy or inconsiderate to paste the part they want critiqued into the post...

...all that said, your title interested me enough to make me overcome my initial distaste and check out the work...

...scanned the first couple of pages... i expect few will even bother going to the second page... many goofs in grammar, word choice, etc., make it clear the writer is quite young... here's just a few examples:

Quote:

The object of this report is to analyze and prevent the events that occurred on January 7th, 2004

...it's impossible to 'prevent' events that already took place!...

Quote:

or events of a similar like to happen again;

'similar like' is a redundancy...

Quote:

to analyze, prevent, and provide suggestions for subduing threat

...'threat' can't be subdued or prevented...

Quote:

to any one student,

...'any one' is redundant...

...next, the color coding, underlining, etc. is so convoluted that no one will be able to keep it all straight and i don't see any need for it at all...

...finally [because this is as far as i can go for now], there's no legal or rational/logical grounds for a school administrator/teacher [if that's what dowell is] to be reading anyone a 'miranda warning'... only an officer of the law can do that...

...i can understand what it is you're trying to do, but i'm afraid it's going to take a lot more work on your part and much research, to make it believable and readable...

...it's definitely worth the effort, if you feel this will deliver an important message for students, parents, and school personnel... but if it's just to take advantage of a tragic aspect of our current society, i hope you'll think twice about going ahead with this...

love and hugs, maia

valeca · 03-08-2005, 11:22 AM

for listing Dr's.

title. name, followed by degree(s) (Ph.D., etc.)

I can't see reading a work of fiction in a format like you have there.

Queasy Dillo · 03-08-2005, 11:32 AM

I have to agree with the previous posters - at least for me, the format kills it. I read through the first page and lost interest. I think most people who are looking for fiction are looking for something like a novel, not a report. Tables, statistics, and whatnot can be worked into a story, but once they become the bulk the project loses it's 'readibility'.

Just my opinion, though.

zachblume · 03-08-2005, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

zach...

i mean this in the most helpful way, so please don't be offended by what i'm about to say, ok?

Quote:

This book starts off by interesting you with legal terminology and it's unique composure, it's style. It's written like a school threat analysis report for a shooting and hostage incident.

The story is written in dialogic records of interviews, news articles and newspaper snippets, medical and legal records, report cards, diaries. To write it is now like writing fiction, it's like I've actually experienced it and am recording it down in any way I can. It slowly, but consistantly pulls you through the mound of emotions and documentary that is the book. Yet it is fiction.

...little annoys me more, than a writer telling me what i will think/feel!... first of all, lecturing on legal jargon and bragging about your style will not 'interest' anyone except maybe your mom...

...next total turnoff is misusing fancy words:

Quote:

written in dialogic records

Definitions of dialogic on the Web:

semantic component that articulates modal relations between universes and between worlds.
www.revue-texto.net/Biblio/Glossaire_en.html

Trade name of a telephony board manufacturer.
http://www.voiceinfo.com/Products/To...lo/MANGLO.html

Telephone Interface Card brand name, known as the "Cadillac" of the industry
www.mindspring.com/~twiggs/glossary.html

and, from the DSM IV [manual of mental disorders]:
dialogic - having to do with dialogue. A dialogic theory of therapy would be one which emphasized the importance of there being room for different opinions to be expressed.

...finally, most folks [me included] are annoyed by posters who want them to go elsewhere to read their work... being too lazy or inconsiderate to paste the part they want critiqued into the post...

...all that said, your title interested me enough to make me overcome my initial distaste and check out the work...

...scanned the first couple of pages... i expect few will even bother going to the second page... many goofs in grammar, word choice, etc., make it clear the writer is quite young... here's just a few examples:

Quote:

The object of this report is to analyze and prevent the events that occurred on January 7th, 2004

...it's impossible to 'prevent' events that already took place!...

Quote:

or events of a similar like to happen again;

'similar like' is a redundancy...

Quote:

to analyze, prevent, and provide suggestions for subduing threat

...'threat' can't be subdued or prevented...

Quote:

to any one student,

...'any one' is redundant...

...next, the color coding, underlining, etc. is so convoluted that no one will be able to keep it all straight and i don't see any need for it at all...

...finally [because this is as far as i can go for now], there's no legal or rational/logical grounds for a school administrator/teacher [if that's what dowell is] to be reading anyone a 'miranda warning'... only an officer of the law can do that...

...i can understand what it is you're trying to do, but i'm afraid it's going to take a lot more work on your part and much research, to make it believable and readable...

...it's definitely worth the effort, if you feel this will deliver an important message for students, parents, and school personnel... but if it's just to take advantage of a tragic aspect of our current society, i hope you'll think twice about going ahead with this...

love and hugs, maia

Wow...that was...harsh? I could go and put to rest about half of the comments you made, but I don't feel like arguing with someone today. Esspecially after taking a hit like that.

Er....continue you "compliments..."

mammamaia · 03-08-2005, 02:34 PM

if you think going to that much trouble to help you was 'harsh' then i won't 'continue' with anything...

other posters agreed, and added their own criticisms, but since i took the time to show you some things that need work, i'm the one you call 'harsh'?...

i'll be glad to delete the post, if it offends you... it was only meant to be helpful...

zachblume · 03-08-2005, 02:39 PM

Yes, I am young, but you need to state that like I'm dirt? I thought this was supposed to be constuctive.

Quote:

...'threat' can't be subdued or prevented...

Can't threat be used in a general sense like a shortcut for "threat level?" It's just that "threat level" comes out like your reading a book based off of Splinter Cell or James Bond, etc.

Anyway, anyone want to contribute something helpful other than telling me everything I wrote is a boatload of bullsiht?

mammamaia · 03-08-2005, 02:45 PM

nothing i said was derogatory to you personally, zach... and all i wrote IS constructive... as in showing you how to improve your work... what else could it be called?... i didn't say you were stupid or your work was lousy, did i?...

the sentence where you used 'threat' was not a good or grammatical sentence... i can't help that... i merely pointed out that the construction of the sentence was faulty and needed rewording... and told you why... that's called 'being helpful'...

i won't bother to try helping you any more, since it seems to bother you, ok?

hugs, maia

zachblume · 03-08-2005, 02:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

if you think going to that much trouble to help you was 'harsh' then i won't 'continue' with anything...

other posters agreed, and added their own criticisms, but since i took the time to show you some things that need work, i'm the one you call 'harsh'?...

i'll be glad to delete the post, if it offends you... it was only meant to be helpful...

I appreciate that you were trying to help me. But it's not just the thought that counts. You could have said the same thing in a totally different way. The other posters stated it. For example

Quote:

...but if it's just to take advantage of a tragic aspect of our current society, i hope you'll think twice about going ahead with this...

What the hell? Thats just....not even sane. 13 kids died. How do you jump judgement from me writing a book to taking advantage of the Collumbine shootings? Thats just....sick.

zachblume · 03-08-2005, 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

nothing i said was derogatory to you personally, zach... and all i wrote IS constructive... as in showing you how to improve your work... what else could it be called?... i didn't say you were stupid or your work was lousy, did i?...

Ever heard of the word "implied?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by mammamaia

the sentence where you used 'threat' was not a good or grammatical sentence... i can't help that... i merely pointed out that the construction of the sentence was faulty and needed rewording... and told you why... that's called 'being helpful'...

I was just asking a question

mammamaia · 03-08-2005, 03:27 PM

i don't want to argue... that's not why i come here... i offered help and i'm sorry if you took it wrong... let's just leave it at that... i wish you well with your book... m

demonic_harmonic · 03-08-2005, 03:42 PM

zach,please, i have to agree with everything said above.

no one said you were dirt. we were telling you the truth. and when everyone says the same thing about it, it is NOT the reader, its the writer.

please, take their words into consideration, and no, you actually shouldnt dismiss half the things they said. because it was the truth.

if you think you are incredible at writing, and dont want to hear us correct you, then dont post your work.

Anidazen · 03-08-2005, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Wow...that was...harsh? I could go and put to rest about half of the comments you made, but I don't feel like arguing with someone today. Esspecially after taking a hit like that.

Er....continue you "compliments..."

Sorry Zach, but the critique forum is pretty much an ego free zone.

What she said needed saying. It's sometimes harsh, but that's what we do here. A lot of us are professional writers - our standards are high.

Maia is one of the people who really tells you honestly about a piece, and we're (mostly) grateful for it.

You're young. So am I. This was never constructed as a criticism, it was just said that it shows. You're writing WILL improve up to the age of 16/17 almost immeasurably even over a few months.

But to be honest, you betrayed your age more in your response to the critique than in the writing.

valeca · 03-08-2005, 07:34 PM

Zach,
It was a bold move move to try stepping out of the realm of the accepted. Definitly creative.

It sucks hearing crit's sometimes..especially something you've worked so hard on. But try to take a step back and look at it objectively. Pass over the anger and really look what's said. Then when you've done that, THEN go back to the anger if you want. Chances are, you'll still feel stung, but you'll be able to see (even grudgingly) that the advice was sound.

That's my advice to you. Even years later I still get stung when something I've worked on gets shot down...the difference is, I've learned to look first..get ticked off second. It's a skill..but with a little patience, you'll get it.

<3 · 03-08-2005, 09:42 PM

although I agree with generally everything Mammamaia said in her frist post. I do like the format of the story (I did read the whole thing, lol) I thought it was very good and was a fairly well thought out idea. I do think you should councider taking a look at exactly how reposts like this one are set up and definitly concider reworking the things mammamaia pointed out there wouldn't be grammer errors on the title page of any report.

But seriously keep it up and work at it I'll keep reading. I'm enjoying it so far.