Anidazen

Posted a couple of columns, and I thought I would try some dialogue.

This is an opening excerpt (if not to the book, then to a chapter) and it introduces two previously unknown characters with as little narrative description as possible.

This is aiming to grab the readers attention and keep them reading. Always a tricky aim!





Necron Farewell, stealer of souls and small time dictator* was having some trouble. It was called Jarvis, his henchman.

“So let me get this straight.” Said Necron, speaking in the forlorn tones of those addressing, well, Jarvis. “The Essence of Torment, which we spent several months distilling from the very souls of our slain enemies-”
“Yes…” Jarvis replied, dragging his feet.
“-which you were instructed to guard with your miserable LIFE. Remember that, Jarvis?”
“Erm. Yeah”
“And you drank it, Jarvis?”
“Thought it might be a m’rcle hangover cure.” Jarvis sulked, explanatorily.
“Jarvis, that liquid was the very embodiment of EVIL.” Necron said, his voice bursting with suppressed anger.
“Well- I washed it down with some rum to disguise the taste.”

There was a silence.

“So. For a hangover cure, you decided to mix together strong alcohol with a substance best described as liquid death?”
“And some aniseed.” Jarvis explained. “I’m not stupid.”

There was another silence.

“It kinda worked.” Jarvis said, awkwardly.
“Jarvis- whatever that…” Necron flailed his arms wildly, trying to find words for the noxious substance, “-that liquid did to you, it did NOT do you any good.”
“I feel fine…” Jarvis muttered.
“Jarvis. ONE DROP of that stuff was enough to take down an ENTIRE VILLAGE!”
“Yeh, but I aint no lightweight.”
“Jarvis, it really DID NOT do you any good, at all. In fact, by all medical logic, you should be dead. Your continued existence can be explained only by the fact that you’re too STUPID to realize you’re dead.”
“Well I feel fine.” Jarvis declared defiantly. “I don’t think it even effected me.”
“You’re GLOWING PURPLE!” Necron screamed. “The fact that you’re still BREATHING is pure defiance.” Then, after thinking for a second, Necron added. “And for this defiance, I’m docking a month’s pay.”

Jarvis groaned, but did not complain. “So how much do I owe you now?”
“Was it four or four and a half month’s pay? I forget. Either way, you owe me big, Jarvis. Now go and fetch my spellbook, and please try not to drink it.”

__________________
http://www.samsmith.co.uk - My attempts at light humour columns.

Ilan Bouchard

I think you've found your calling.
After the columns I've read on your website, I'd say this exceeds each tremendously. I think it's perhaps because this is trying not to get a cheap laugh but to just get the reader smiling throughout.
It worked, more please!

__________________
Ruthless comments encouraged!

Aevin

Oh my god ... this guy's evil!

I'm with Ilan on this one. It's a little cumbersome in the wording in a few places; just try to clean up the language and remove unnecessary words and phrases. But it was funny and easy to read. I had problems with the name "Necron," because it's a final boss in a Final Fantasy game, but I have the same problems. They just use too many good names!

Good job! I'd love to read more.

__________________
"Go to, like, greater adventures!"
--Din from Namco's Tales of the Abyss

valeca

I enjoyed reading this one.
It wasn't too pushy on the comedy..just enough.

I agree it might have been a little too wordy in places, but not so bad as to take away from it. A neat little trim and it should be fine.

I'd enjoy reading more!

__________________
"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

blademasterzzz

It makes my greedy, envious little mind bleed with jealousy.

I can't write a single funny sentence in a 170 page book.

gohn67

I thought this was great. I like your comedic style. I really enjoy reading your posts.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog

Anidazen

I knew I was stealing it from somewhere. Had this feeling about it, but couldn't think of anywhere that had a "Necron". But that will be it, I love the FF games.

I probably will change his name.




Thanks for the great comments everyone. Made me feel all proud.

__________________
http://www.samsmith.co.uk - My attempts at light humour columns.

mammamaia

only question i have is, what's with the asterisked 'dictator'???

__________________
For 100% free writing help/mentoring:
www.saysmom.com

"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi

Ajax

Nice work.
I enjoyed reading it.

__________________
Primarily I'm here for the doughnuts and the duck-dog.

Anidazen

Oops. Forgot to include that footnote.

*= His empire currently consisted of a tiny country that nobody actually knew existed. He kept it hidden under his bed in case anyone saw it, or accidentally invaded it. Still, everyone starts somewhere.

__________________
http://www.samsmith.co.uk - My attempts at light humour columns.

Hodge

Oh that's funny!

Just a couple things:

The second sentence sounds somewhat awkward. Maybe if you made it one sentence and instead of "it was called Jarvis," you make it "namely Jarvis" or something else similar to that.

I was going to say that this doesn't sound right, but after reading it again I rather like it.


You should definitely use this for something—even standing alone it makes a nice short, short story, although I'd love to read something longer in this style.

__________________
Science

Mazzie

That is probably the most difficult thing about writing a story. I think you've done a good job though. You've made me wanna read more.