Prose Maiden

I wrote this really quick, because I was bored. It may not make sense to you. I'm still trying to find my comfort zone with poetry.

So the thoughts I began to write
Were not my own but of a stranger
I had once known
I gripped my throat with fear
Of that stranger returning, choking my tears

This stranger so familiar, so smart, so sweet
Yet diseased with envy, strife, and jealousy
I couldn’t remember the time when the stranger
Was in my presence before
All I knew that it was very brief and something terrible had occurred

I’m trying to remember who, who was this stranger
That had engulfed my thoughts, my memory
Who had persuaded me to hurt ones that I loved
Causing there to be bitter-sweet rivalries
I didn’t want to remember this particular stranger
Since I knew I was in danger

For so long, I had kept these emotions swept to the side
Receiving the counsel I needed to swallow my pride
I could not defile my body over and over
Hoping to gain the high I once wanted brought closer
No, I can’t do it again, and the stranger walked away
Only to challenge me again some other miserable day

__________________
Writing is my obsession!

And remember, you can't rush perfection; that's why we're all still imperfect.

dreamergrl

the meaning portrayed here in this piece is easy to find if one looks hard enough and deep enough.
you did a good job with it for someone who wrote it quickly.

it almost sounds like someone with(now, i'm not sure how to spell this....) schizophrenia, or even multiple personality disorder. i could tell you were searching for an answer that wasn't visible.

i will have to point out a couple of errors though, that may help you when you write another poem:
i noticed in some parts you were trying to rhyme. now in the last stanza, you did a really good job at keeping the rhyme up, but throughout the rest of the poem, you didn't quite seem to be able to hold on to it. in fact, it seems that the only places you did rhyme was in the last stanza, and maybe a couple of lines in the 2nd-to-last stanza. if you want the entire poem to rhyme, i suggest doing a quick revision on it to make it rhyme, but also remember to make sure that you keep the flow of it balanced.

also, i noticed, and this may not be a big deal to others, but it really bugs me: but when you started off, the 1st 2 stanzas had 5 lines and the last 2 stanzas had 6 lines. that, to me, kind of makes the poem unbalanced. try to either shorten the last 2 stanzas to 5 lines or add on to the poem making each stanza have 5 lines. again, that may not be a big deal to others, but it just kind of bugs me.

one last little error i must point out: your punctuation. you might want to work on separating you sentences so the idea of your poem comes out clearer instead of it all just running together.

other than that, i think you did a good job at making your message clear and your vocab was good as well.

hopefully this will help you out just a little bit!
~dreamergrl~

__________________
"take the path less traveled by,"(Robert Frost). hard work pays off, and be true to yourself and others will notice you more for your heart.

Prose Maiden

__________________
Writing is my obsession!

And remember, you can't rush perfection; that's why we're all still imperfect.