Sooperjesus

Ok, this is a small portion of a story I'm writing about bagels and gnomes and war. I really just want to know if it works and if it's tedious or not.
Domo.

The Bagel War

Of all the wee fairy folk, the gnomes were the queerest. The dwarves were bound to the stones of the Earth and dwelled deep within the mountains, forever mining and hoarding their precious rock. The goblins, those vile, treacherous imps, prowled the shadows and the dark places no one knew of, whispering wicked thoughts into the ears of fragile minded men. The elves, wild and free, lived in harmony with the trees and the animals of the forests, protecting nature from the reckless giants, for blighted were the hands of men. The gnomes, though, lived within the walls and beneath the floorboards of the homes of men, mimicking their society and their way of life. With things the giants discarded, the gnomes built tiny, perverted replicas of their cities and the machines that ran them.

The gnomes banded together into clans, as did their cousins, the dwarves, and each clan laid claim to a territory. They defended their lands as a lion protects his kill, with savage zeal. Petty disputes between the clans often erupted into bloody clashes, for each gnome was covetous of what his neighbor had. As the dwarves would often say of their cousins, “Junk ain’t junk in another gnome’s hands.”

Grandpa was the king of the Tuclump clan and Tuclumpton was the city he ruled. The position of grandpa in gnomish society was much like that of president. Every ten years, according the calendar of the giants, Tuclumpton held a festival, and it was there that the greatest and most respected tinkerers from across the city competed for the title of Grandpa. Citizens could vote only once for their favorite gadget or doodad and the tinkerer with the most popular invention became Grandpa Tuclump.

The Grandpa was not excused any from labor, for the duty of every gnome was endless toil. The position only added further responsibilities of running Tuclumpton and her vast network of sewers, furnaces, pipes, factories and countless machines for every conceivable purpose that would persistently break, explode, implode, or meltdown. For a gnome, the job of grandpa was coveted above all else, but most who were granted the honor died from exhaustion before their ten-year term was up.

As with all gnome cities, Tuclumpton was alive with the rumbling of machinery and the roaring of the furnaces that fueled the city. The furnaces burned day and night, belching endless clouds of black smoke, blanketing the entire city with soot. To keep the fires well fed, gnomes of the lowest caste spent their lives shoveling coal, discarded newspapers, dryer lint and any other kindling they could find into the ravenous mouths of the furnaces. Streets and passageways snaked around the labyrinth of buildings and there were gnomes employed to keep them clear of debris. Elevators, running on an elaborate system of pulleys built within the walls of the giant’s towering castle, provided access to the numerous levels of the city.

Laborer gnomes ran the great, steam-powered assembly lines, piecing together machines for every imaginable purpose, from double-barreled shoehorns to potato-powered back scratchers. The foremen scurried up and down the lines, like infantry captains before a charge, flipping frantically through their overstuffed technical manuals, checking and rechecking to make sure that everything was running just as it should.

A sense of disquiet resonated throughout the city. The Great Unveiling of a top-secret project, a grand scheme designed by Grandpa Tuclump himself, loomed just a day away and the gnomes of the city were planning a massive celebration in his honor. Scores of collectors poured out of the city to gather needed supplies from the giant folk, like cupcakes, cheeses, soda pops, and booze.

Bestowed with the perilous task of scavenging materials from under the noses of the giants, the collectors were the bravest and most adventurous of the gnomes. Many great dangers faced an unwary gnome who wandered too far from his home. Cats, spiders and other wicked beasts found the gnomes, who stood only as high as the common mouse, to be tasty snacks. The greatest fear of the gnomes, though, was man and there were countless tales of how the giants would catch and deep-fry helpless, screaming gnomes alive, slather them in red tomato sauce, and then devour them between two sesame-seed buns.

The story continues as two collectors, Percius and Barnaby, become inadvertant stowaways inside the pocket of the homeowner's coat. Then stuff happens and things blow up.

gohn67

Sorry I read Gnomes and then I stopped. I am not a big fan of stories that invlove gnomes and dwarves etc.

I didn't post this to be a jackass.

I think its important to know that there some types of stories that people just don't like for whatever reasons. So right now I am the only one that was turned off by gnomes.

Like when I read wee fariy folk and gnomes, I just stopped. I just don't read those stories invloving gnomes and fantasy stuff. THe only fantasy I liked was Lord of the Rings but I read that along time ago.

One person's opinon(mine) doesn't matter, so you should defintly continue with this.

But if alot of people start commenting that they don't like stories about gnomes, then maybe you should just try writing about something new.

I look forward to reading other pieces you may post in the future, just as long its not about gnomes and dwarves.

I think people tend to post when they read a story they really like, and never post when they just hate it for some reason, and they never get to hear the opinions of people who didn't like it.

Keep writing, about gnomes even! and yes I agree Japanese girls are interesting.

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Sooperjesus

Well, it's not particularly a fantasy story. There ain't dragons or dungeons or anything like that; it's just about gnomes who live in the walls of people's houses.

Well, at least I know you have SOME good taste.

damien_frosst

These are just my opinions of course, and I'm no expert.

I liked the way that this got started. I did have to wonder how the gnome city could be all smoggy and not have the human's attention. I figure that they'd notice the smoke, or smell of burning things or something.

I've seen this kind of thing before, but then, gnomes are gnomes, right? I do have to agree with Mia, that the descriptions run a little heavy for background, and really end up giving off less... direction than just setting up the world of your story.

It's a good start, keep at it!

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Sooperjesus

That's what I was actually afraid of, but I couldn't trust myself to objectively critique it.

mammamaia

gnomes are also not all that small... unless they're micro-mini-nanno-gnomes, i don't see how they can have an entire city within the walls of a human house... unless the humans are mega-giants, that is...

plus, your title promises bagels, but there's not even a hint of one in all that... am i missing something?...

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Sooperjesus

Well, these gnomes are tiny enough to build cities in people's walls. I wasn't aware that I needed to follow the World of Warcraft Gnome Template when I write stories, my apologies.

Also, is it difficult to suspend disbelief for a story? Sure, if little gnomes actually lived in people's walls then they'd probably be promptly discovered, as I'm sure the smell would give them away. But, who here watched Finding Nemo and said to themselves, "Hey, fish can't talk! They ain't got no vocal cords or proper bone structure to form words! What load of crap are they tring to sell us here?"

Plus, as I said, the story is totally unfinished. In fact, I only put this small portion up because it sounded tedious to me and I wanted to make sure I wasn't just being paranoid. Well, turns out I wasn't. I wrote it far too technically.

Anyway, the story involves bagels and a war between two gnome clans over access to the bagels. When the gnome incursion fails, the Tuclumps create the first ever bagel retrieving teleportation machine, patent pending. On it's trial run the machine explodes, killing the entire population of Tuclumpton except for two gnomes, Percius and Barnaby. The explosion also creates a portal that's open just long enough to suck in the two gnomes and the human, Paul, who's house they live in, and spit them out in an alternate Earth.
This other Earth happens to be in grave peril. Paul and the two gnomes gotta help save it or they'll never be able to get back home. But, they're not alone in the adventure, of course, and the three outsiders will meet a few friends who'll help them along the way.

mammamaia

o-kaaay... glad to hear the bagels are on the way... you're right about fantasy not needing to make sense... so, as a sense-driven/needing virgo, i'll leave the room and let you have your fun unmolested by a nit-picking brain with no 'off' switch...

hugs, maia

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