Bloody Colds (internet humour column FAILURE) - Writers Forum

Anidazen · 03-06-2005, 03:36 PM

Hey.

A lot of people have posted some pretty nice comments about my Internet Banking humour attempt. (Thanks very much

).

So I thought I would post another column. But while I was quite happy with the Internet Banking one, I recognize this as a dismal failure. It's not hard to see it - there have been tribes of desert hermits who, despite not speaking the language, or having ever seen it, have organized petitions to have it REMOVED from the internet and then burnt.

But what I'm trying to figure out is what exactly I've done wrong with this, and more importantly, if it can be fixed.

Bloody cold

I have managed to catch another bloody cold, this sucks.

Whats more, it's pretty bad this time - so bad, in fact, that Russian scientists are trying to figure out practical uses for my cough; such as propelling badly-made space stations, turning wind turbines, and destroying houses built by small pigs.

Now usually, I would laugh at the idea of going to the doctor over something as trivial as gale-force three cough. This is based on the typical male logic that there's no need to go if it's just a trivial matter - like a spear through the neck or a misplaced limb.

But I was outvoted, and so I was dragged, kicking and screaming, to the doctor's surgery, where I was greeted by a waitingroom full of people all armed with equally destructive coughs. It was busy, so I was forced to do my kicking and screaming quietly in the corner.

After my wait was up (to work out waiting time for NHS services: take number of patients * average time per patient, and add 6 hours) I grimly marched towards the Doctor's room. As I walked in he looked up.

"Ah. And what can we do for you, Mr. Smith?", he said, raising an eyebrow to suggest that my hair did NOT, at first glance, appear to be missing any limbs OR on fire, and that I was therefore wasting his time.

The appointment took about a minute (yet added a waiting time of 28 minutes to those behind me in the queue), at the end of which he casually made up a complicated name for my condition, and expertly picked out a specific brand of antibiotics ("Anti-buyoneygetonefreei-otics").

These are a special type of antibiotics which differ immensely from regular antibiotics in a small but highly important aspect; they cost more. They also have a sillier name.

Oddly, this particular type of antibiotics is actually quite often mistaken for breath mints, because of the following medical similarities:
1) They're pills.
2) I'm stupid.

I took one of these tablets, and now, after twenty minutes, I have still not experienced miracle curedom.

So, I will give it another twenty minutes, and then I will try an old herbal remedy, known as the "miracle coctail". This is an age old recipe, involving the skillful blending of a lot of carefully picked ingredients. This miracle coctail, or as it's more commonly known; "mixing everything in the cupboard together and seeing what happens", almost always drastically effects your health, and going by the old adage that anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger, it's got about a 50% chance of improving my strength.

Here's to good health, and Smith's miracle cure, and the newly launched Russian spacestation 'KerCOUGHoff'.

lisajane · 03-06-2005, 05:49 PM

I admit I don't like this as much as I liked the banking one, but it's still quite good.

You know for colds/viruses they don't prescribe antibotics, don't you?

But love the miracle cocktail

. I do the same thing with a cold. I think I swallowed a cocktail of like seven different tablets last time for a flu. Pretty much knocked me unconcious for maybe three hours but I felt FANTASTIC afterwards!

Anidazen · 03-06-2005, 06:28 PM

Thanks a lot.

Hmm, I would of never thought of that contrast with the "this sucks" thing. I think I just largely write as I would speak. This sucks is how I would speak. Guess that's betraying my age in my writing a little.

With the hair thing, I changed it as I put it on here. And obviously I got it wrong.

It should be.

"Ah. And what can we do for you, Mr. Smith?", he said, raising an eyebrow to suggest that I did NOT, at first glance, appear to be missing any limbs, and that I was therefore wasting his time.

The on fire thing needed to be taken out completely even after the correction was going to make, so I did take it out.

While I think I could probably, with enough work and with independant opinions of what's funny and what's not, turn this into a workable piece. But I think with something like this it's easier to just bin it.

Anidazen · 03-06-2005, 06:34 PM

Instead of trying to fix that piece. I'm going to post a different one that I didn't choose to use on my website (but which is now filling the place of the bloody cold one for the time being).

This one shows a bit more potential, and I might be able to knock it into shape:

Skiing is a wonderful sport, and it really is such an easy concept; put on a pair of skiis, and go.

It sounds so simple. But in reality, it's not quite that easy. For one thing, the slopes are littered with assorted trees, wildlife, and fellow skiiers (the hitting of which forms the basis of the Olympic skiing score system).
For another, you've just come flying off your skiis and landed face down in ten feet of snow. And no, you haven't left your living room yet.

But there are a couple of things to help tip the balance in your favour. For example, you get some massively expensive sticks called ski poles. (Yes; the same massively expensive sticks you spent last night playing swords with, which are now roughly circular). These sticks can be used to push you along, help you balance, "accidentally" obstruct other's progress through the lift ques, and to close the ability gap between you and the pros the easy way.

Another thing that counts as a definate pro-skiier benefit, is the fact that you are not, in fact, a snowboarder. This means that you, while not looking as cool, probably do know roughly where you want to go, and that you might spend as much as TEN PERCENT of your holiday upright.

But, should the worst happen, you can rest assured that you are in good hands. The ski medical service is so efficient that not only do they take the injured down the slopes fast and safely, but they also take you before you get the chance to injure yourself.

Take, for example, this conversation, which is a typical mountain scene:

Snowboarder: AAAAAAAARGGGGGGhelpmeohgodohgodohgodAAAAAARGGGG! *splat*
Medic: Eep? Are you OK?
Snowboarder: Of course. It's what I do.
Medic: Are you sure? You're not getting up.
Snowboarder: I'm a snowboarder. I LIVE down here.
Medic: So you're totally fine?
Snowboarder: Yup. Snowbathing, that's all.
Medic: Not injured in any way?
Medic2: *pant* Arrived fast as I could! Is he ok?
Snowboarder: Yup. Not even a scratch.
Medic: Well, he's obviousl- GET HIM!

At which point, the medics will kidnap you, place you on a stretcher, and refuse to release you until you have paid their ransom, which will delivered in the guise of "doctor's fees". A typical fee would be two and a half years wages and an internal organ of your choice.

This is one of the reasons why it's so important to get travel insurance. This is actually a relatively easy and inexpensive feat, providing that you are in good health, and that you promise to do all your skiing within the privacy of your own home.

But, whatever it's pitfalls and downsides, skiing is honestly a very fun activity. After all, where else are you able to, in a single graceful movement, take out two trees, 16 Austrians, and one unfortunate mountain cafe? What's more, where else would this feat automatically qualify you to join the pro-leagues?

Hard to beat, really.

valeca · 03-06-2005, 06:48 PM

I have to agree with everything Mai said up there. The first para in made me think, 'Trying way too hard to be funny.'
It actually ended up turning me off the rest of the piece completely.

The other point that made me think UK was 'surgury'. I haven't seen it used in reference to anywhere else.

And lisa is correct. No antibiotics for colds.

Sooperjesus · 03-07-2005, 03:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anidazen

I have managed to catch another bloody cold, this sucks.

I've always felt that contractions work better when a writer is attempting a casual piece. No one I talk to ever says, "I have..." they say, "I've..." So, contractions give conversations and first person narratives a more convincing tone.

I'm assuming you're going for the Dave Berry style of writing, a kind of wacky observational humor. I don't know if Dave is still around; I haven't lived in the States for quite a few years. But, what made him funny was that he seemed to know when to keep the topic riding the fence between reality and wackiness and when to dive right off the fence with some statement that was totally out there.

Also, comedy doesn't have to be funny in every single paragraph. The real good, lasting comedies have a few funny parts and the rest of the story simply builds up to them.