lisajane

This piece I'm not sure about. With research, took me an entire afternoon. I was curious when I started if it's possible to write a story without an actual pov.

Just some thoughts on this would be great.

Eyes Shut, Eyes Open

‘Count back from one hundred.’

‘One hundred… ninety-nine… ninety eight…’

Air smells of permanent markers, many of them. Overtaking. Eyes shut, eyes open. Black mask surrounding mouth and nose. Attached by a cord to an unseen cylinder.

‘Ninety-seven… ninety-six… ninety-five…’

Shouldn’t be taking this long. Should be under by now. Should be able to wake up by ninety with experiment over and vomiting.

‘Ninety-four… ninety-three… ninety-two…’

Gloved hand rubbing against pale hand. Eyes shut and stay shut. Good-night.

***

Hold that thought.

Eyes open to see bright lights. Three of them. Glaring down. Vision blurred, people in green robes and white masks surrounding.

Freezing room.

Eyes shut, eyes open, try to see properly. Dazed. Doctor’s hand moves one of the lights, directs it at stomach. Feel hand moving against foot, feel sensation.

Shouldn’t be able to feel sensation. Shouldn’t be able to see anything.

Try to kick. Can’t move ankle. Can’t move leg. Can’t move.

‘Is the subject out?’

‘Yes, Sir.’

Anaesthetist didn’t even look.

The scalpel. Silver, sparkling, try to move away as it touches skin but can’t. Try to move hand to let someone know. Hand won’t move.

This isn’t happening. Can’t be.

Paralysis.

Scalpel slides across skin, into skin, by the hand of a carefully skilled surgeon. Blood slowly welling, dripping.

Screaming. Silently.

***

Ripping.

Slicing. Mind twists in agonising pain. Mind makes up for what body can’t do.

No contact from one reality to another.

Heat. Burning. Torture. Excruciating.

Eyes look above. Blue television screen. Mind furrows in confusion.

Insides. Frozen. Scalpel butchering.

Scalpel dives down. Blood thrusts up on the screen. Mirroring that of blood raining down onto skin from inside.

Buried alive.

‘Another work of art.’

… art?

‘Video’s perfect.’

… video?

Everyone smiles up at screen.

Blood keeps spurting. Sweat. Blackness closing in.

Eyes lock. Finally. Too late.

‘Sir, we have a problem.’

***

‘Three… two… one…’

Wake up.

Recovery.

‘How do you feel?’

Vomit.

‘Couldn’t be worse.’

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

gohn67

First two lines hooked me. I thought that was an awesome way to start.

I think you did have a POV- the patient at least for the most part, but then it wouldnt make sense since he is supposedly unconcous form the anesthetic

I think you overdid the one line sentence thing. I like doing the one line sentence thing too, but you did it way too much and it got kind of annoying.

I liked the piece, I found it refreshing and orignal.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog

lisajane

Thanks gohn. I wrote this in mind of the patient slipping into consciousness, then waking up drowsy, fainting and waking up again.

With the one line sentences, the idea was for the patient to be in a drowsy state. When I've woken up from anaesthesia and just waking up normally, I only ever seem to think in one line sentences. I couldn't imagine a drowsy person in pain thinking in long, complicated sentences.

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

Scratches

Oh, I SO love this style. This was a great approach, and your descriptions were lovely, mainly because of that beautiful contrast between the painful words and the short, note form in which they're written - and that really ties in with the clinical nature. I liked the mind furrowing. I liked the hold-that-thought. Only criticism is, I think the ending was a little tame. But still thumbs-up from me.

__________________

Never get so attached to a poem
you forget truth that lacks lyricism
and never draw so close to the heat
that you forget that you must eat
- En Gallop, Joanna Newsom

Kajarow

I always love creativity, and this was very creative. Nice job.


Keep Working.

-KAJAROW

__________________
-Human Stupidity.

lisajane

Thanks Scratches and Kajarow. I just read this out aloud to myself and realised the short sentences work far better than if this had been normal, longish sentences. The ending I don't particulary like either, but couldn't really see another way of changing it. In the second draft, I continued 'How do you feel?' as 'How do you feel, Untitled #177?' but that's the only change.

__________________
'Beauty stands and waits with gravity to start her death-defying leap. And he, a little charleychaplin man, who may or may not catch her fair eternal form spreadeagled in the empty air of existence.' - Laurence Felinghetti, 'The Acrobat'

Anidazen

I think minor sentences can be very effective, and you used them well.

Perhaps a little over the top though? There's a limit to how far you can take it. I also think you didn't stress the helplessness and panic enough, and the feeling of terror and pain that your subject should be feeling.

It's good to see something different.

__________________
http://www.samsmith.co.uk - My attempts at light humour columns.

Kajarow

I also like to write in short sentences, it seems to make things more interesting.

Except when Im writing a novel, Iv written normal for that.

But works great for poetry/lyrics.

-KAJAROW

__________________
-Human Stupidity.