Internet Banking (humour column attempt) - Writers Forum

Anidazen · 03-05-2005, 03:59 PM

Yes - I used "humour", not "humor" and I stand by it.

This is another random humour column posted on my website. I know humour is hard to analyse, but any comments anyone has on making it funnier would be appreciated.

Internet Banking

Don't you just love internet banking?

All the security measures that are in place give a nice feel of security by making sure that nobody can get at your money. Especially not you.

To sign up, a typical internet bank or credit card company will require: a valid email address, your passport, other documentation, your fingerprints, the deeds to your home, an activation code found inside special packs of corn flakes, and a DNA sample.

They will also, for security reasons, require naked photos of your wife.

But eventually, several days and two nervous breakdowns later, you will have successfully registered for online banking. Enjoy the triumphant feeling, which will last for approximately twelve seconds, at which point you will receive an email something along the lines of the following:

"Dear Mr. Smith.

Our finance department has reviewed your account, and we have found it neccecary to change your account status. Your normal internet banking experience will not be disrupted, except that we have limited outgoing transactions to thirteen pence per day.

Our accounts department has also reviewed your account, and has come to the conclusion that your wife is hot."

But, once all this is finally out of the way you can sit back, relax, and enjoy the joys of internet banking, which, among other things, lets you see your statements online. So you will always know exactly HOW many people want to reposess your house. All you need is your username, your password, and your activation code. (A 12 digit number safely stored in a letter you burnt 9 months ago for safe keeping.)

Forgotten your activation code? No problem, so has everyone else. All you'll need instead, is your security questions. These are highly personal questions which only you should know,

The good thing about these, is that they aren't written in a letter you destroyed in 1992. The bad thing about these, is that six months ago, you thought it would be a brilliant idea to set your security question as "What am I thinking right now?"

valeca · 03-05-2005, 05:41 PM

Quote:

To sign up, a typical internet bank or credit card company will require: a valid email address, your passport, other documentation, your fingerprints, the deeds to your home, an activation code found inside special packs of corn flakes, and a DNA sample.

They will also, for security reasons, require naked photos of your wife.

You've used this somewhere else on WF, right? I'm sure I've seen it before. I just can't remember the post.

Anidazen · 03-05-2005, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by valeca

Quote:

To sign up, a typical internet bank or credit card company will require: a valid email address, your passport, other documentation, your fingerprints, the deeds to your home, an activation code found inside special packs of corn flakes, and a DNA sample.

They will also, for security reasons, require naked photos of your wife.

You've used this somewhere else on WF, right? I'm sure I've seen it before. I just can't remember the post.

I quoted it randomly in the 50 words humour challenge.

Quote:

seemed a bit clunky and didn't make a lot of sense - you burned it for safekeeping?
I figure you are saying that for safety you stored the number in a letter, which unfortunately you now realise you burned 9 months ago - maybe in a rush of security consciousness against ID fraud(?)

The "for safekeeping" bit was intended to be ironic/a joke. But looking back I think you're right - it does need work. Either the joke just needs cutting, or something a bit more everyday, like shredded (for safekeeping) might sound better/make more sense.

Thanks for feedback.

Heh - first time you've said something of mine's "not bad at all" Mia. I'm proud.

Gafgarian · 03-05-2005, 08:38 PM

I liked it, especially liked the feeling that it was be told to me. First written stand-up like routine that felt like it was stand-up while reading it. Hilarious. Thanks.

Ilan Bouchard · 03-05-2005, 08:45 PM

I liked this too. With agreement to the past comments, I have but this to add.

While it was funny, I think you could exaggerate some aspects of internet banking even more to make it funnier. Be careful though, too much exaggeration and you'll sound like Dave Barry (who I think would be a lot funnier if he could moderate his exaggeration). For example, the idea of needing a naked picture of your wife is absurd, but hilarious. You used it perfectly, and you could even come back to it in the letter, but still maintained just the slight mention of it.
I was just using that as an example, since I think you used that part perfectly and should try to emulate it with the rest.

In either case, I thought it was great fun to read.

valeca · 03-05-2005, 08:52 PM

Ahh!! THAT was where I saw it! I knew I had seen it before

gohn67 · 03-06-2005, 02:00 AM

I laughed a bit. It was pretty funny and enjoyable to read.

My favorite lines of this story

Quote:

Our accounts department has also reviewed your account, and has come to the conclusion that your wife is hot.

Best line of this piece by far.

Quote:

The good thing about these, is that they aren't written in a letter you destroyed in 1992. The bad thing about these, is that six months ago, you thought it would be a brilliant idea to set your security question as "What am I thinking right now?"

Also good.

Although I have to say I've never had a problem with my internet banking.

But I agree some of the registration procedures are a pain in the butt and I always forget my passwords.

lisajane · 03-06-2005, 02:56 AM

Lol I laughed outloud, despite the fact I don't bank over the internet. I can see this as stand-up comedy.

Cipher2 · 03-06-2005, 10:43 AM

Bravo.

I found that funny and entertaining.

This line though didn't seem that funny:

Your normal internet banking experience will not be disrupted, except that we have limited outgoing transactions to thirteen pence per day.

I work for a bank(sorry). You didn't mention phishing that I was hoping to see. You could have mentioned also that if you call on a mobile someone can intercept the call and steal your details. You could have also mention the sheer, dire, embaressment of having to say digits from your password to an Automated Voice Recognition System: the frustration of repeatedly saying 'two' in a variety of accents in the vain hope that it will recognise it(while your friends and work collegues are crippling themselves with laughter), then resorting to swearing down the phone at it.

Anidazen · 03-06-2005, 01:38 PM

Thanks everyone for the great feedback.

Verago · 03-06-2005, 02:30 PM

Funny! Anyone know where I could get a job *ahem* reviewing accounts? I'll handle the pictures...erm, I mean, security.

crzywriter · 03-09-2005, 03:36 PM

this brought a smile to my face. not the funniest thing i;ve ever read, but worth a couple of chuckles.

~Crzy