Tanaki-Kun

Ok, Here it is, I wrote this about 3 hours ago, it took me 10 minutes, Not long or anything but can I please get a reveiw, Contsrutcive critiscism, Say "It sucks " or whatever, I need to enter a story in a competition, I don't know what to do
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Enchanter's Dreams.
"Inf kamai penepe" the words faded into the crackling of the fire
"Novae Dunmar" a white flash erupted from nowhere,
It would have blinded Andec but for his red tinted enchanters protective glasses,
Andec looked down at his masters sword,
It was engulfed in firey red flames, he noticed a small blue sapphire "September's birth stone.."
he thought, the small gem reflecting a picture of the fire in itself. "For rendering black magic harmless.."
he thought. Andec turned and gingerly picked up a white potion bottle "Cooling liquid" said the label
he pulled open the lid with a "Pop!".
He poured the liquid down onto the blade,
it wavered for a second then evaporated, making a hissing sound and letting off steam where the potion had met the flaming blade.
"Fire and water, weird how they come together to make steam" he thought.
"Now that it is colder" thought Andec, "I can continue"
"Micha dun Icha leibe Sal em" he uttered, Andec paused, then reached down towards the blade,
He pulled his hand back a slight back, but reassuring himself with a glance at the white potion he continued towards the blade.
He pressed his hand down against the sword, it was cool. "Like iced water" he thought.
He stroked his hand up and down the blade, rubbing it.
It developed a faint blue tinge, letting off a slight blue glow aswell,
Andec's hand followed suit, but his glow and tinges were not so faint
Andec concentrated, flowing all his power into the blade, The faint glow doubled its brightness, then tripled.
Andec pulled his hand off the sword, His hand losing its faint glow, the sword retained it though "I did it!" Andec yelled
"Yes!" Andec shouted "I am the best enchanter ever!!"

Dervac, Andec's master must've heard his cry because suddenly the door to the Pentonum opened a few seconds later,
Dervac walked in, showing a slight smile behind his blackened face, one syptom of his work, A forger.
"Look Dervac, I enchanted this sword" Andec waved it around in excitment "Oi! Best be careful with that"
"You'll chop me 'ed of" "Eh?" Andec questioned "Oh, Sorry"

valeca

I can see a nuggest of a good idea in here, but it needs quite a bit of work.

First: Punctuation. You need it. A lot of it.

You have this as one very long sentence. Periods are needed. It's extremely difficult to read as is with the lack of punctuation and misplaced capitals.

Unless he's actually staying pop...it doesn't need to be in quotations.

Same for internal dialogue.

He pulled his hand back slightly perhaps?

There is a lot of repetition at the end with regards to the blue glow.
This is really confusing. Suddenly he has an accent? Lack of punctuation makes this unreadable. After re-reading it several times, I finally understood the master is telling him to be careful with waving around the sword or he might cut his head off with his carelessness. and 'off', no 'of'.

I don't want to discourage you, but there is a lot wrong here. Format, punctuation, sentence structure...
My advice...don't enter this in a contest. Take a look at some of the basics of writing, then come back and re-work this.

Keep trying, you'll only get better

Good luck.

__________________
"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

Gafgarian

I completely agree with Val, however there are a few things I thought I should add. First, their are quite a few synonyms for the word thought they are needed in this. Although I enjoyed the basic plot, I would say that you have to keep your characters, in character.

You started the story and made the reader, at least this reader, think that Andec was not a young man, not necessarily old, but definitely not young enough to shout:

There is more I could say but I agree with Val,it would probably be best for you to take a look at some basics of writing books. Or maybe you just shouldn't rush the creative process, spend a little more than ten minutes and repost this, I definitely would like to read more. Thanks for the read.