Some people liked this beginning a lot, but at least one didn't. Either way I am pretty sure my opener can use work. At the bottom I'll state the purpose for this scene. You can tell me what you think.

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Two young persons were walking down the seashore. Mike saw this scene laid out before him as if a spectator, yet he was also in the scene. It was a sunny morning, yet cool and breezy. The air was sweet as it wrapped around his body and the body of the girl next to him. He held hands with the girl as they were walking slowly, much like a hint of something he had seen in another lifetime, but this time it was him and it was her.

The girl’s name was Jenny. She was seventeen, already with waist length dark hair and those deep brown eyes, and those lips that always had the hint of a smile. They were talking, both of them. They were on about unimportant things, like what movies they had watched in their lifetimes, or how pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. He was actually able to talk to her as well, and have her listen.

And with that hint of a smile, she always listened. There were even periods of time where both of them enjoyed no conversation at all. They let their eyes do the talking. The very presence of the other one by the sand and the incoming waves of salinity as the sun barely peeked over the water would do nicely. They would romp, they would play, they would sit and watch boats go past in the distance. And just as the story would seem to begin on such a high note, at a location that takes most stories pages and pages to get to, the reality must set in.

“Mike!” a sharp male voice called out.

Mike came to himself in an empty waiting room, surrounded by plush chairs lined up around the walls. Directly in front of Mike, the round man with the beard stood at the doorway.

“Are you ready, sir?” the man called again, as if he were addressing an audience of one hundred.

“Yes, I’m ready, Mr. Johnson.” said Mike, slowly rising from his chair, feeling the blood rush far, far away from his head and stomach, his legs weakly following the rest of his body as it was drawn in forward motion.
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Okay what I'm trying to do is start off with this daydreaming scene that establishes right away that Mike has this girl on his mind and will for the rest of the story. When he snaps out of it, we find he's been waiting for a job interview.

The negative comment I got was that the very beginning doesn't grab his attention well enough. I'm open to that. What do you think?

crzywriter

I have to agree. The opening really does not catch my attention. That being said, I think that this story could go somewhere...obviously, this is just the very beginning. I would be interested to read more.

so now, on to the specifics.

I think it would be better to use the word 'people'.

Isn't that redundant? In any case, if not, it might want to be reworded.

You definitely made the impression that he has the girl on his mind. I just think you could spice the beginning up somehow. I don't know, that's just my opinion

~Crzy

Dooga Aetrus Blackrazor

You have talent, but, in my opinion, your writing's flow needs work. Notice how, through percise diction and punctuation, what your reading sounds smooth. The repition of "s" sounds creates a rhythm, and my use of alliteration enhances it.

I would say you made some precarious diction and punctuation choices throughout your entire piece; however, in my opinion, you clearly revealed your distinct writing style that, with sharpening, could
become even more prevalent.

Here are some examples of what I'm trying to elucidate:

"The very presence of the other one by the sand and the incoming waves of salinity as the sun barely peeked over the water would do nicely."

That sentence is a trainwreck and, after seeing your other sentences, I assume that, instead of believing the sentence was fine, you were careless.

"They were on about unimportant things like what movies they had watched in their lifetimes, or how pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. He was actually able to talk to her and have her listen. "

There were some grammar errors, to my knowledge, in your above two sentences. Also, you mention talking garrulously, but you quickly switch the mood. I sense that he is glad that she listens, but appreciation of someone who listens is deep; someone who admires a listener usually does so after great thought. Listening is also admired by philosophers and other great thinkers. I'm uncertain of your intent by placing the two sentences together which, in my opinion, juxtapose (the idyllic pizza imagery clashes with the deep reverence for listeners).

Furthermore, I would suggest that you do some revisions and use the semi-colon. Overall, I enjoyed reading your writing, obviously (why else would I create a long review), and hope to see more. In conclusion, don't adapt your writing style if you don't want to; my opinion is opinion - not expertise.

I am liking the feedback so far. Chapter One has undergone numerous revisions as my writing style improved, and looking back on it over a year since I've written the current one, I can tell it needs another one.

Thanks a bunch! Anyone else?