Shunin: Blade of the Devil - Writers Forum

.Kallero · 02-21-2005, 04:43 PM

From Shunin: Blade of the Devil:

Quote:

Every corner of his eye was willed with new and magnificent things; vibrant colored silks and velvets hung down over shop counters where tiny magical creatures kept in jars were on display, fairies and pixies and three-eyed lizards. The marvelous fireworks the merchants from the Shwaun empire had brought stuck out like giant corn stalks, and magicks that would have the same affect were everywhere (every once in a while he would see one go off in demonstration and a spike of cheering and laughter in that direction).
All kinds of magical herbs were on display, ancient sages eyed them carefully with jewel-cutter scopes, while jewelers and rich men eyed rubies and diamonds with sage-like wisdom. There were magicks that would promote health, others wealth, some held curses others blessings. He saw dreams in jars and ambition in bottles, vials of imagination and flagons of happiness.
He saw animals in the distance, mules and oxen pulling carts through all the streets above and below, elephants climbing the enormous stairs especially build for just such a purpose. Caged birds hung here and there, parrots and cockatoos and macaws from the furthest jungles and forests; horses and camels with magical gleams in their eyes were being sold off in a stable on the fifth floor off the ground; exotic pets were being sold, cats and reptiles, the babes of larger, more dangerous animals from the jungles further south.
And the marvelous smells! Foods from all different lands, perfumes and spices filled the warm pleasant air. All around there was a jubilant electricity, an overwhelming abundance of wonder and curiosity, mystery and intrigue.
Setsujou rounded the corner at the eighth arch onto a road called Paper. This road was no less crowded and the goods were no less impressive; the stench of mule overpowered the delicious smells in other parts of the city on this level for some reason. He heard the enthusiastic cries of Arzian merchants standing at the feet of men on stilts juggling swords over the heads of the road-goers. A boy clutching some sort of package scampered under his legs, quickly pursued by a man wielding a dagger and shouting furiously in a tongue Setsujou did not understand.
Setsujou finally reached a side-street where the traffic was lax and was able to walk in a more eased fashion, and even the noise was now muffled by the cold stone walls around him. A few more side roads, a back alley or two, and several bridges both stone and rope later he arrived in the courtyard of the Serev City Library of Gnartis.
As an employ, Setsujou knew that there were many magicks and blessings and various enchantments that went into the establishment, though he knew not the full amount, or the limitations of the library's seemingly bottomless wealth. There was a muting spell that kept the courtyard quite, as well as a lighting spell that adjusted to the amount of sunlight in the courtyard, making the area suitable for people to read. The entrance was a series of towering arches open to the outside air, edged with a sheet of gold engraved in a cryptic tounge (Setsujou knew it read 'Who's gold would line the halls of an archive?', and though he had many guesses, the library director would not tell him the true answer).
His footsteps pattered against luxurious velvet carpet when he entered the library. It spanned wall to sterling stone wall in the spacious hall; a magick kept a greater silence in here than in the courtyard and another prevented echoes. There was one that kept it lighted at all hours and another even regulated the temperature, drawing in the homeless out of the opressive heat and cold, huddled in hidden corners pretending to read despite their illiteracy. The finest oak tables stood on a floor of marble before fields of bookshelves, stacked with volume upon volume of the greatest works of all the ages. Azriel, Scoth, Amaduil, Orodill, Oserever, Vamicule! The greatest authors of human history all gathered and living within the pages stored in this literary sanctuary.

Praise? Comments? Insults?

mammamaia · 02-22-2005, 10:18 AM

kallero...
i didn't see any rhyming at all... so, is this the 'fixed' version?...

what i do see is a lot of poetically-phrased description of wonders worthy of a james gurney illustration from 'dinotopia' or one of james christenen's masterworks...

that's all the praise i'll indulge in, at risk of swelling your head to un-supportable dimensions...

you do need to structure this in proper paragraphs and give it a good proofread to catch all the spelling and other goofs i noticed but forgave, due to the magnificence of the imagery [damn!... 'nother bit of praise slipped in when i wasn't looking... ignore that last part!]

love and hugs, maia

ps: this fairly screams for brilliant, full-color illustrations... i hope you know that... m

.Kallero · 02-26-2005, 11:04 PM

I don't know what I was thinking putting all that in one paragraph... I went ahead and split it up, and here's further along in the story. I couldn't find any spelling or grammar errors, but of course, I'm not much of a speller beyond my spell check, and I was never that great at grammar either. Guess I should have paid more attention in English...