I am hoping to publish this poem soon. Hoping it will do.... - Writers Forum

Johnson123 · 02-20-2005, 09:19 PM

well in the marketplace.

This is an excerpt of a poem I am writing..... Please Critique....
Rate 1-10 if possible.
My Background: I am 38 and live in New York. I am a very accomplished writer with excellent credentials. I attended a very good school and have written many books and poems that have done very well in the public eye and in the marketplace.

Here it is.....

He lay there, cold and damp with thoughts of immortality running through his head. He is not immortal, nor is he mortal. He is all about living for death. He dies a broken man with no life to cherish. He never grasped this "life" thing. His was a very sad life with nothing but pain.

This piece of the poem has been read by a few acclaimed writers and I have seemed to get some very good feedback. What do you think?

Rate 1-10 or comments

Thank you

valeca · 02-20-2005, 10:39 PM

I freely admit I know nothing about poetry, but I'll offer what I can.

Overall, I enjoyed this exerpt, as short as it was. Without having seen the rest of the piece, I'd say that I'd have prefered to see a line between:

He is all about living for death.

And

He dies a broken man with no life to cherish.

I'm not sure why, but I feel I need more information here. Maybe something about how he takes his last breath, or how he expires. Possibly it was your intention to have that sudden, jarring effect there, but I felt I needed more. Only a personal opinion and to be taken with a grain of salt, since I have no real experience with critiquing poetry.

I have a question of my own. If you've already had good reviews by acclaimed writers, what is the purpose of posting it here? I'm the curious sort

My rating: 7.5 (Because I can only crit in the context of what is here and not the whole poem)

Johnson123 · 02-20-2005, 10:45 PM

I just enjoy getting feedback.....
Good or Bad.....

Scratches · 02-20-2005, 11:21 PM

Oh, I really can't swallow prose as poetry. I can't. You seem to have a good idea here, but I'm just not liberal enough to accept that as a poetic format.

(This Does Not Affect My Honorary Liberal Democrat Status!)

die_daily · 02-21-2005, 04:30 AM

i think it sucks, quite honestly. and the fact that you felt the need to list your accomplishments and inform us of your stature as a "great writer" in order to garner some contrived notion of respect leads me to suspect the opposite.

it's like those people who brag about being published, only to find that it was poetry.com or some other shit scam that "published" them.

your credentials are irrelevant here.

about your excerpt, this is bad prose, let alone poetry. show, don't tell. i'm sure a big super star like yourself has heard that bit of advice before. well, there isn't any showing here. not to mention the fact that it is rife with ambiguity, what with abstract words like 'death, life, sad life, and pain. i wouldn't know if these words are later clarified and explained because it's only an excerpt, but i was left wondering WHY his life is a sad life, or WHY he never grasped this "life thing", or exactly what this "life thing" is.

want a number? fine. 3.

EDIT: fear not, i liked one thing about this work. i like the word 'cherish'. reminds me of those fat little cherubs.

valeca · 02-21-2005, 08:14 AM

Guess that proved I really do know nothing about poetry..lol. Oddly enough, in this case, it doesn't bother me a bit.
I have to agree with the other's in thinking it was a little pompus in posting: 'I am a very accomplished writer with excellent credentials...etc.' Let your work stand on it's own without giving us a run down of your dubious 'resume'. Edit: It just screams 'praise junkie'.

It was like saying. "I know I'm great, but I thought I'd slum it and hear what you peons think."

mammamaia · 02-21-2005, 11:55 AM

gosh... all that's left for me to say is, 'ditto to all you all said!'...

sorry, johnson, but i can't buy that fancy bridge you're selling... if even half your self-applied touts were true, i don't think you would have written that non-poem...

and i have to wonder exactly what those writers are acclaimed for... not their writing, i'd guess... unless you only really did 'seem' to get good feedback, but it was actually just polite brush-offs...

if you have had work published by real publishers, and not those of the self/vanity/pod/free variety, why not let us know what and where?... i'm a full time poet myself, and wouldn't call that excerpt poetry... it might pass for what is called 'poetic prose' these days, but the critical comments above are all valid... it's not very good...

cyberspecter · 02-21-2005, 01:06 PM

I am reminded, suddenly, of a favorite quote from Fiddler on the Roof I think it applies here if not literally. The background of the quote is that a teacher of the Bible calls himself a good teacher and is thus challenged:

"The Rabbi who must praise himself has a congregation of one."

Earlier on these very boards I defended young writers that may not be as polished at writing or may not have strong enough egos yet to withstand a truly harsh critique of their work.
Fortunately, for me, you decided to tell us your age and qualifications.

On the other hand I suspect you are not as you claim. Oh, I don’t think you’ve given us a big enough sample of your writing either prose or poetry, to be able to accurately determine anything along those lines.
I think your whole post, from subject line to sign-off, suggests that you are not really 38. I think it suggests that you haven’t read the forum to see that there are many young and quite talented writers here honing their craft and learning from more experienced and, in some cases older, writers.

I suspect you are a child or a very insecure adult. I suspect that if you come back to read these posts you are very embarrassed. I’m sorry for you.
I think you may still have a chance to come back, if you ‘fess up to who the real you might be. These people, though harsh on the pretentious, are quite forgiving and kind in their own way.