demonic_harmonic

I lied. I'm posting a bit more. I know I should attatch this to the first thread, but I'm not sure how to edit the title to read like 'Battle of Thanmortis-updated'. How's that done?

Anyway, here's more. Note: There are seperation's differently here. It is not between paragraphs, but between lapses in time, and also in between certain interactions between people under certain conditions. You'll see. It's suppossed to represent seperation and unity. What? I got artsy with the indents, alright?




SunnyDay Home was not what it should have been.



Graduation was not a happy time for Haervii. And how could anyone expect it to be? His only true friend had been taken away and hidden from him, sentenced to spend the rest of his educational career in a sort of mental hospital disguised as a learning establishment. It had been four years. Four years since Haervii had last laid eyes on his dear friend; and had received not so much as a letter or short telephone call from Meridan to reassure his friend he was doing alright.
At the age of nineteen, Haervii was alone in the world. A single soul who was now understood by no one: the only other people he could call friends were really nothing more than kind acquaintances. But it was his time to leave school, and so he thought perhaps it was Meridan’s, as well. Thought perhaps he would get to see his friend again.
And it was. And he did.
But, as many know, life does not always unfold as expected. The circumstances through which Haervii and Meridan were reacquainted were less than favorable, and it began with a draft.



Haervii gave a disgusted look to his draft ticket, the slip of paper calling to him exchange his youth for warfare. He had nothing to lose, no family or friends which would be upset should he be killed in battle, but it still did not feel right to him. There was something he was meant to accomplish in life, this he knew, and it was definitely not putting a bullet through another man’s heart.
Around him, other males of his approximate age were as silent as he, their minds distracted with thoughts of lovers left behind, or dreams which would forever rot in their hearts and never be accomplished. The bus of draftees bumped along the barren dirt roads that lead to the campground. Dust lifted in great clouds, making the whole situation seem more dirty and wrong than it already was.
A collection of tents and small cabins came into view, and soon the automobile jumped to a halt in front of the main section of camp. Almost immediately, a tall, muscular man wearing a dark uniform stormed onto the bus and began yelling at the passengers to do all sorts of things a soldier in training would be expected to do.


Meridan gave a solemn look to his draft ticket, the slip of paper just one more thing holding him to a life of succumbing his free will to those of a less understanding and gentle nature. He had nothing to lose, no family or friends who remembered him or cared, and it was something he had grown used to. There was nothing left to live for, except to follow the will of The Gods.
Around him, other males of his approximate age quarreled with each other over petty matters and talked nonsense, most of them which had gone mad from their years of being brainwashed and degraded. The bus of draftees bumped along the barren dirt roads that led to the campground. Dust lifted in great clouds, and in them Meridan could see all sorts of interesting designs and various objects, as if he were staring up to the clouds in the sky.
A collection of tents and small cabins came into view, and soon the automobile jumped to a halt in front of the main section of camp. Almost immediately, a short, angry looking man wearing a dirty green uniform stormed onto the bus and began yelling something at the passengers, but Meridan was not paying attention.


What currently held the young man’s attention was a certain figure. This certain figure was standing in a line being very still and very rigid, like a brick might do if it were alive and decided it would like to stand up. It was difficult to see details through the dusty windows of the bus, but there was something very familiar about that certain figure. This certain figure had a head full of dark curls, hair which was longer and fuller than it should be for any man in the army; it was also wearing something a soldier would not wear if they are not a sergeant or admiral or other sort of higher power in the armed forces. Meridan was not the only one who noticed this, and he continued to watch through the bus window as a man in a dark uniform came up to the figure and ripped the white gloves from its hands.





That's all for now.

valeca

I see what you meant about the shifting. But I think it can work.

I know what you're trying to say here, but it got a little tangled at the end. With the sudden introduction of Meridan, I think it might be helpful to distinguish who the 'his friend' is. Change it to, Haervii.

Sentence fragment. Maybe add it in to the sentence before it with a comma or have it stand alone with a 'He' at the beginning.

I like this. Simple yet effective!

I think it might work better if you have this bit before you talk about the other draftee's. I had a mental picture of them all standing around looking at these slips, then suddenly on a bus.
And I'm not too sure about the 'campground' bit. No base I've ever been to looks like a campgound. Actually they look a lot like neighbourhoods..lol. At the very least, if they were going to have to rough it in tents, it wouldn't be something they see when they first pull up. They'd most likely see soemthing that looks like an office building.

This was a bit bumpy to read. I think I got the jist, but could you reword it to make it a bit more smooth?

Uncap The and Gods. Capped G is generally accepted as the Christian God.
Ugh, lol, dem, who does this sound like?

Fantastic!

Again, I understand the idea, but I think the 2 'nots' is confusing. Shuffle it around a bit and see if it sounds better.

I like your style, and I can definately see parts of your personality in here, IE: the brick. I'm interested to see where you take these two guys.

Good luck.

__________________
"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

crzywriter

hey, demonic.

to change the title, go into the thread, go to your first post, and click edit. Then you can change the subject heading.

as for your mistkaes, i tend to agree with val, so just refer to her.

~Crzy

demonic_harmonic

hehe thanks a bunch, val and crzy.


and i know about the base and campground thing. but i wanted it to be wrong, just because the culture and all is different. thats the same reason there are lords ruling again.


i shall have to fix this up a bit. thanks!