Carrion Field pg. One - Writers Forum

Bhauger · 02-18-2005, 01:02 AM

nicht gut

demonic_harmonic · 02-18-2005, 02:26 AM

oh god...

*throws up*

if that's what you were going for, you have successfully done your job as a writer...

a few things.

Quote:

Crows flew overhead, ripping at the decaying flesh, flinging it haphazardly. Ravens circled overhead

you have overhead twice and its redundant.

hmm..its winter and there's still maggots and all? i'm not saying you're wrong, i actually didn't know they came around in winter. i thought maggots were more of a warm weather thing.

i love the description here. you keep grossing me out, and though that's not hard to do, it's still very good.

Quote:

“What say you of this?”

That just made it. TOTALLY made it. I love that phrase. All the rot and death and red rimmed eyes, then poking a dead body with a sword and saying that...

Quote:

Barilin frowned, and then continued examining the bodies. Flayed bodies held the

hmm... sounds a bit redundant as well.

Quote:

how wrinkling old men could unman him so.

make this a little clearer. i'm not sure if you mean it's the old man making him feel uncomfortalbe, and if so why that would be, or if you mean something else.

Quote:

He rode to a bend in the road and into a snow-covered copse of trees. Trees soared above

a little redundant here as well. i do, however, like the imagery. it goes well with the story.

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He moved past bored soldiers, each curiously looking at him.

it is not necessary to reword this, though this line could be improved a bit. i think its the 'curiously' that makes it sound odd. each looking at him in a curious manner? something.

Quote:

Their numbers greatly reduced in a matter of hours, or minutes, Barilin was unsure.

elaborate more. it's a little confusing. are you trying to say even though they were like, big and tough and all, their numbers had been greatly reduced in only a few short hours, or perhaps even minutes, though barilin was unsure? the line is sort of choppy and vague.

I really like this so far. I almost didn't read it because the first part grossed me out pretty badly, but I'm glad I stuck with it. Very nice job. Keep on.

Bhauger · 02-18-2005, 02:42 AM

Thanks a lot, very helpful. I'll get to editing this soon.

Bhauger · 02-18-2005, 03:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by demonic_harmonic

Quote:

Their numbers greatly reduced in a matter of hours, or minutes, Barilin was unsure.

elaborate more. it's a little confusing. are you trying to say even though they were like, big and tough and all, their numbers had been greatly reduced in only a few short hours, or perhaps even minutes, though barilin was unsure? the line is sort of choppy and vague.

This, I think, will be cleared up later on. They were fairly large, however, they received a number of reports in a matter of hours from surviving members about how they were ambushed. They range from all over the kingdom.

Quote:

Originally Posted by demonic_harmonic

hmm..its winter and there's still maggots and all? i'm not saying you're wrong, i actually didn't know they came around in winter. i thought maggots were more of a warm weather thing.

http://www.wonderquest.com/maggots-l...adian-flag.htm

So, I guess my flies will be especially adapted to the climate, winter flies I suppose.

valeca · 02-18-2005, 10:25 AM

..erm..

Yick.

As far as I've been give to understand, squished maggots don't 'crunch'. They ...well, squish..lol. They don't have very hard shells to make that crunchy sound. Ugh, I'm getting nausious.

Quote:

Still, his nose was runny, and the wind stung his red-rimmed eyes.

Still doesn't work here. It infere's something along the lines of 'aside from all that there was something good about it.' Unless the runny nose if a good thing, I'd take it out.

Quote:

A young man of seventeen reined in beside him, if Barilin thought him green just yesterday, this had changed it

Make this 2 sentences. 'A young man of seventeen reined in beside him. If Barilin thought...'

Just a question, for my own clarification. What is the difference between a Mesmer and a mage?

Quote:

The crimson badge of his order protruded through his robe.

I'm not saying this is wrong, but could you elaborate on how it protudes through his robe? Did you mean through an opening in the robe? Or does it stick right out through a hole? Something else entirely?

Quote:

some ten spans around

This doesn't give me an idea of the size. Ten spans of what? Arms? Hands? Some other form of measurement is needed to clarify.

Quote:

A clearing abruptly came into view, he kicked her into a gallop again.

This line needs some work. Maybe an 'and' between view and he, to make it one sentence. And I'd take out 'her' and either name his horse or simply say 'his horse'. Either way, define what it is he's kicking a little more.

Quote:

He ignored them, racing towards his tent.

Racing could be kinda dangerous when you're on horseback, moving through a camp filled with men, don't you think?

It doesn't go very well with the image you've given the reader of Barilin either. He seems to have a pretty sedate manner, so far. I think having him walk through the camp toward his tent would make it more believable.

Quote:

A man awaited him, garbed in a simple shirt and legging.

Leggings. Unless your guy has only one leg

Quote:

In the center of his tent was his desk, he moved toward it and flopped into his chair with a loud thud.

This is two sentences smooshed together in an awkward way.

Interesting read though. Even the icky parts

Good luck.

Bhauger · 02-18-2005, 10:41 AM

Thanks for taking the time to view and critique this, valeca. Much appreciated.

Quote:

Just a question, for my own clarification. What is the difference between a Mesmer and a mage?

A Mesmer is sort of a physician that uses magic to heal. A mage is just a general magic-user. They use different magic systems.

Quote:

This doesn't give me an idea of the size. Ten spans of what? Arms? Hands? Some other form of measurement is needed to clarify.

A span is 9 in., which is too small, these trees are suppose to be enormous.

valeca · 02-18-2005, 11:20 AM

Quote:

A Mesmer is sort of a physician that uses magic to heal. A mage is just a general magic-user. They use different magic systems.

Thank you, much. I've been edumacated

mammamaia · 02-18-2005, 11:59 AM

sorry, i don't critique work with violent content... but i can't leave this un-caught:

"...squawking as they avoided he and his horse."

has to be 'him' as it's the object of the sentence, not the subject...

crzywriter · 02-18-2005, 03:54 PM

hehe...i am amused, not nauseous. i suppose that says something about the kind of person i am.

this had good spelling and grammar (why do so many people not?????) and so i can't spend endless pages pretending to be a dictionary.

the mistakes i would have pointed out have all been mentioned, except this one.

Quote:

Tents were placed all along in an organized pattern, fourteen rows of ten. Each capable of holding five men.

the second sentence is a fragment. you could say 'each was' or tag it on to the back of the previous sentence.

other than that, good job.

~Crzy

Bhauger · 02-18-2005, 11:20 PM

Thanks for the comments, Mamma and Crzy.

mammamaia · 02-19-2005, 11:06 AM

crzy...
there's nothing wrong with tossing in a fragment here and there... it's actually a technique used by the best writers... too-correct isn't usually good writing... in this case, it's not the best example, but doesn't actually demand a correction... m

demonic_harmonic · 02-19-2005, 10:10 PM

i have to agree. i use fragments once in a while. sometimes it really adds to the dramatics of the writing.

crzywriter · 02-19-2005, 11:07 PM

I know, i use fragments, too. I just don't think that the one i pointed out happened to be strong or relevant enough to stand on its own. but hey, that's just my opinion and I have been wrong in the past and will continue to be wrong on some things all through my life.

~Crzy

Bhauger · 02-19-2005, 11:56 PM

I love fragments.