Crunchy Hamster

It is a bit messy and written in a way that I think is too casual, but it outlines a bare bones first chapter...what do you think?

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A young man named Joshua Cross is called to commence employment in a small, newly formed biotechnology facility which specializes in agriculture. The city he lives in, named Priority, is in dire need of a sustainable food. Although highly advanced many technologies such as solar power, waste recycle, nanotechnology, computers and weaponry, food is scarce throughout the region. So scarce in fact that Priority has adopted a policy of zero immigrancy and is under martial law.

The city's gates are barred to intruders, patrolled by soldiers day and night, food, water and electricity are rationed and its citizens are commanded to obey many official laws - including that of forced work placement. No person, male or female, is allowed to be unemployed after the age of 14. No excuses, no exceptions. Placement is based upon the considerations of the mysterious Council, Prority`s governing force - ever watching, ever monitoring, but yet never seen. Their eyes are the cameras in the streets, their voice; the megaphones thrust high above the streets; their hands, the soldiers.

Unique to Priority, the soldiers are not preclusively male and there is no application procedure, no training, no ranks given. All soldiers are chosen by the council, inducted and "augmented". Citizens who become Soldiers are known to change after becoming so. Although able to recognize friends and family, they no longer show familiarity, seem distant. They never smile, do not show affection or humor and never disobey the council. Soldiers live in barracks that are situated both around the central tower of the Council and around the outskirts of the city, the highest concentration around the front gates and the poor quarter.

Close to Joshua's home, the poor quarter is where refugees are brought in for decontamination and instruction in the laws of the city. Decontamination is not a matter taken lightly, for the region surrounding Priority is poisonous. Nearby, the earth has cracked and toxic clouds of gas pour from deep fissures. Precautions include sand banks at the mouth of such fissures, vast sails used to redirect the wind and the aforementioned decontamination. To disobey is to be shot and your body to be recycled for fertilizer.

The Council and its soldiers seem to care little for the lives of the refugees that come to Priority's gates. The number of refugees are so great and the intake of people into the city so small that many gather at the gates. In fact a rudimentary shanty town can be seen from the walls of the city, where poor souls brave the toxic fumes and sand and wild animals. Often, at night the stacatto sound of recoiling rail guns can be heard in the city as soldiers fire on crowds of desparates trying to climb the walls.

Joshua's father, a long, long time ago had done exactly this and with some fantastic stroke of luck had been able to hide in the city until it was safe to inconspicuously step into the next batch of refugees being ushered into the city. Yet, although his entrance into the city might have gone unchecked, it was by no chance that he was able to stay, marry, have a child and live respectfully.

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Colours are fragrant, but they fade away.
In this land of ours none last forever.
Today, cross the high mountains of lifes illusion
And there will be no more shallow dreaming, no more drunkeness.

crzywriter

this doesnt seem so much as an opening chapter to me...it reads more like a synopsis


~Crzy

Crunchy Hamster

Thats what I meant ^_^

__________________
Colours are fragrant, but they fade away.
In this land of ours none last forever.
Today, cross the high mountains of lifes illusion
And there will be no more shallow dreaming, no more drunkeness.

demonic_harmonic

reminds me of 1984 sort of. sorry if you find that offensive in any way, wasnt meant to be.

mammamaia

i'm personally turned off by anything that begins with, 'our story' so didn't read any farther than the goof 'cities' for 'city's'... sorry... plus, this seems to be leading to some violent content which also keeps me from commenting...

others' comments sound valid... hugs, maia

__________________
For 100% free writing help/mentoring:
www.saysmom.com

"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi

Crunchy Hamster

***edit*** thanks

I did notice you have an aversion to violence. Its a possibility and very likely that where will, but thanks for the comments, mammamaia.

__________________
Colours are fragrant, but they fade away.
In this land of ours none last forever.
Today, cross the high mountains of lifes illusion
And there will be no more shallow dreaming, no more drunkeness.

mammamaia

glad those 2 little 'nigglers' of mine helped a bit, ch... the 'aversion' you noticed is really just me keeping a vow i made a decade ago to never more aid or abet the use of violence in writing meant as 'entertainment'... hugs, m

__________________
For 100% free writing help/mentoring:
www.saysmom.com

"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi

Crunchy Hamster

Now that's a nice vow. Powerful stuff. Thanks for looking, then...
I am hoping to include some biblical fire and brimstone style destruction, so, yes please make note.

I am interested though, what are the boundaries of this vow? It is based on literature alone, or do you not like to watch violent movies or see kids playing with toy guns. I can't say that I approve of the latter at all...

__________________
Colours are fragrant, but they fade away.
In this land of ours none last forever.
Today, cross the high mountains of lifes illusion
And there will be no more shallow dreaming, no more drunkeness.

mammamaia

has nothing to do with what i read or watch, ch... it relates only to the free mentoring and help i provide to writers of all breeds all over the world... i state quite clearly in the help offer i send to all who email me for assistance, that i won't help anyone with any work that has violent content...

if you'd like to know why, browse my site and read the essay, 'why your money's no good'...

as for not liking to see a lot of what goes on in this world, that goes without saying!... and i'm a mom of 7, grandmom of going on 16, so definitely cringe whenever i see a kid with a toy weapon of any sort or playing video games... even the supposedly 'good' ones have violence of one kind or another in them... is it any wonder this world is such a bloody one?

hugs, m

ps: here's one example of my take on the subject...

(Heart-)Breaking News! [Rated PG]

by maia

When children kill, what does it say
about the way we raise them?
When children kill, why do some claim
“No one’s to blame!” and praise them?

When children kill, how can we hide
the truth inside that shames us?
When children kill, why don’t we see
our stupidity that aims us?

When children kill, the reason is
not hers or his depraved mind.
When children kill, the cause is our
gun-packing, pow’r-enslaved mind.

When children kill, they’re letting go
and obeying hate’s urge to deflect them.
When children kill, they’re letting rage
set the stage and then direct them.

When children kill, it’s our “kill,”
not the children’s, who only commit it.
When children kill, it’s because we choose
a society whose rules permit it.

When children kill, they don’t see death
as Satan’s breath that’s sought them.
When children kill, they’re playing still,
the games we will have taught them.

Accessories to murder... before and after the fact...
is what we all are when a child’s deadly act
takes another’s life, or ends his own.
They’ve just harvested seeds we’ve sown,
aped what they see done by the fully-grown.
Their innocence is cracked... “Star-Studded & Action-Packed!”

__________________
For 100% free writing help/mentoring:
www.saysmom.com

"You must BE the change you wish to see in the world." Gandhi