Ajax

Tear it up.
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Farell, the manager of the Friday Center McDonalds, was only slightly amused by the memo the district manager had sent him. It was in regards to a new employee. Someone in the hierarchy either had a twisted sense of humor, or had gone off the deep-end. They had decided to hire a psychic to determine ahead of time what orders were going to be coming in so that they could better operate the drive-through window.

When the psychic arrived for work, Farell greeted the young man with the usual speech about food quality and customer satisfaction. The psychic, a short balding twenty-year-old by the name of Fred, took it all in with a bored look on his face. "So where will I be working?" he asked.

Farell showed him the drive-through order area where Fred could talk to people using a microphone, and then went through the various steps of how to enter the orders. Fred nodded and explained that he'd be putting a lot of the orders into the system ahead of time. "I'll just be taking the money then," he explained. "But I'll put through the orders before the people arrive. That way the food will always be waiting for them."

Farell smiled. "Sure," he stated. "I'm anxious to see how that's going to work. But because you're unfamiliar with the computer, I'll have you working with Salam for a while. He'll help you get the orders into the system."

Salam, an older fellow who'd immigrated from India a few years back, shook Fred's hand and stated that he was happy to meet him. When Farell explained to Salam what Fred was going to be doing, Salam was overjoyed. He thought it was a great idea, and that he and Fred could work together quite well. Farell put them on the order desk and then went in the back room where he could laugh in private at how ludicrous this entire experiment was. What were those idiots at the district office thinking?

Fred got to work immediately placing orders into the system with the help of Salam. When the first car arrived, Fred answered the microphone.

"I'd like a number one extra value meal, super-sized," came the voice from the speaker.

"I'm sorry sir," replied Fred. "But your cholesterol level is way to high for that. I see a heart attack in your future. Please pay for your order at the second window."

"A garden salad with no dressing?" asked Salam as he read back the order que.

"And a side of bottled water," stated Fred. "You didn't forget the water did you?"

"Er... no. Water, Got it."

The next car pulled up and Fred shook his head. "Ma'am, you've got a serious problem with that promotion you're looking for. I'm afraid if I give you that big-n-tasty you want that the ketchup will stain your blouse and your boss will give the promotion to a more tidy employee."

"What?" exclaimed a lady's voice through the speaker.

"You do want to be promoted don't you?" asked Fred.

"Well... yes."

"Then you should skip lunch today. You'll thank me for it."

Salam watched in shock as the car drove off. "No order for her?" he asked.

Fred shook his head. "Not today, but she'll have a big-n-tasty tonight to celebrate. Now this next order will be a big one. Twelve big macs, three quarter pounders - one with no onions, and seven orders of fries."

A young man in a beat up chevy came to the speaker. "Hey dude," he declared. "How's it hangin? I'd like a couple of one dollar cheeseburgers."

"Negative," replied Fred. "You've got a large number of people at your house right now waiting for you. Your roommate found your stash and called the cops. Trust me though, if you bring this food with you and give it to the police, they'll leave you alone."

"DUDE!" exclaimed the voice from the speaker. "You sure?"

"Positive, but you'll have to tell them it's your roommate's stash."

"Oh man! She's gonna be so pissed."

"You don't want to go to jail do you?" asked Fred.

And so it went, with several more orders coming through, and each customer leaving with something they didn't order. Salam was shocked that people complained so little, but each time Fred seemed to explain to them why they should accept the substitute order. This went on for several hours until a green van pulled up.

"I'm sorry sir," said Fred. "but we can't serve you today. I see a major disaster in your future."

"Huh?" exclaimed the voice. "What are you talking about?"

"I see an accident about to happen," Fred explained. "I'm not sure what it's going to be but I can see cheeseburgers and shakes all over the place. I think it might be a car wreck. Is your insurance policy paid up?"

"What? What is this? Some kind of joke?"

"No sir," declared Fred. "I can see a great mess, and a whole bunch of wasted food. You don't want to waste food do you?"

"Am I on candid camera or something?"

"No sir," sighed Fred. "I'm a psychic. I've been hired to increase the order efficiency here at this restaurant. And I see that you're not going to be able to handle your food."

"I just want a big mac and some fries dammit."

Fred grabbed the microphone. "You can't handle a big mac," he declared loudly. "Don't you understand, your food will be wasted."

"Maybe we should just give him the order," said Salam. "I don't think the boss is going to care if the food gets wasted."

"No no no!" argued Fred. "We can't just be wasting food like this. It goes against everything I stand for." Then he turned back to the microphone, "Just go about your business please. And drive safely!"

"This is bullshit!" came the voice from the speaker. And then the green van drove off, tires squealing. Just as it exited the drive-through, it slammed into a delivery truck carrying supplies to the restaurant. The truck tipped over on its side and frozen patties came spilling out.

Fred shook his head. "I knew that was going to happen. Sometimes you just can't mess with fate."

At the end of the day, Farell took Fred aside. "I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go," he told the young man.

"Yes, I know," said Fred. "I knew this was only going to last a day but I thought it might be fun to try."

Farell shrugged. "Well, we're losing money. You've turned away far to many orders, and you've cut way back on business. A lot of people are angry too. We've been getting complaints."

"No one said anything good?" asked Fred.

"Just one guy. He called in to say something about the police not being at his house, but that he had the munchies really bad and the extra food you made him buy was a really good idea. I'm not sure what he was talking about though. He sounded a little strange."

"Well I've saved lives today!" Fred protested. "I refuse to feel bad about that."

"I suggest you go and feel good about it somewhere else then," said Farell. "The world just isn't ready for this kind of service."

"Yeah," Fred muttered. "I knew that too."

daniela

This is really funny! Since you said "tear it up" here are the problems that I noticed.

immigrated--->emigrated

In both instances, "to" should be "too."

I believe the period should be a comma if you are going to split the sentence like that. I would recommend removing "but", changing it to "I'm sorry sir," said Fred. "We can't serve you today. I see a major disaster in your future."

I think that the frozen patties spilling should have come before we were told that the truck was carrying supplies for the restaurant. My suggestion is this: "Just as it exited the drive-through, the van slammed into a delivery truck. The truck tipped over on its side and frozen patties spilled out of the back; it had been carrying supplies for the restaurant." Not the best, but it illustrates my point. The punch line should come after the setup, not before.

The section in bold would have been much better if you showed it to us rather than simply told it. A quick exchange of dialogue would have accomplished the same purpose and it would have been much more interesting.

Same thing with the opening as I mentioned above; you told instead of showed. Instead of having Farell tell us what the memo said, I would have put in some of it. Reading a memo about the company hiring a psychic in coporatese would have been very funny.

Overall, your story is very funny. You could have added a little more humor in places and in other spots you messed up the joke by putting the punch line in too soon. I think you should be pretty proud of this piece, though. Clean it up a bit and you might have something publishable.

Good luck and keep writing!

--DM--

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"When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them—then the rest will be valuable." - Mark Twain

Ajax

Excellent editing.
Thank you.

Those darn "tos." They get me a lot!

demonic_harmonic

you know whats funny, i thought i had clicked on the lounge when i started reading this, i was confused, and i thought this was some sort of news article you found somewhere, until the dialouge started.


lol. its funny. i like it. its definitly original. never saw anything like it on here before. good work.

mammamaia

it's really clever and has the potential to be a marketable humor piece... but the narrative parts are kinda stiff and need loosening up to gibe with the casual quality of your funny dialog...

plus, it needs a good proofread to catch minor goofs, such as those dm noted... i agree that using mac d's is not a good idea... just change it to something catchy and close, but not close enough to raise the hackles of anyone's legal dept....

it's well worth the work it'll take to make it ready to submit... go for it!

love and hugs, maia

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