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Writer
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 49
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My First Long Short Story... Let me know what you think...
i've shown this story to a couple of people now, one person said she was not the type of person who reads but that the story kept her interested... at least i think it was about this story she was talking about. Take a look if you'd like. Let me know what you think of the story and let me know what is wrong with it. Could you point out things to help me make it easier on editors. i am very new at this.
Here it is. My first ever long short story. Thanks for reading, i hope you enjoy.
Debacle (just a temporary name until i think of a good one)
Lengthened nights come from the mind's lack to comprehend time. This can come from many things. The thing that caused it in this event was that nothing in the mind made sense and thousands of things go through my head at once and get all jammed up. If you cannot get them out of there things are bound to go wrong, so you better hurry the hell up and get them out.
The night was just beginning when I walked into this restaurant which was a higher class place. Although what can be high class be in a time when nothing means anything to anyone anymore. It was my friends' dinner rehersal. I'm not one for large groups so I was glad I had my friends sister next to me. She's so much like my little sister I knew we'd be able to have some fun. I invented a game with her because I could tell, even though this was the first time meeting her, she wasn't keen on large groups either. The way you played the game was you have one person choose an object and you have to tell a story about it. It could be a picture and you have to tell a story about one of the people in it. She chose for me to tell a story about a bald man in an autographed picture. This man was obviously no one famous so when I told this story it was hard to think of anything interesting. She was not disappointed, she liked it, oddly enough.
We ordered and waited a great deal of time for our food. Finally when we got it I started eating fast, as I normally. I hold my fork in an odd way, I'm told. I'm said to eat like a ravenous wolf, I shake is what people say. I shake even when I'm not eating, but no one ever notices then. Perhaps it's some sort of neurological disease. Someone noticed tonight and made a comment on it. It didn't bother me this time though, to many other things were going on in my life right now. Well only one thing, but when you've got the beautiful blond girl you're heart beats softly for on you're mind everything else becomes a little harder to deal with. I knew I'd have to control myself tonight, my friends were getting married to each other the next day so I didn't want to cause any unnessecary stress for them.
An uneasy feeling came over me and time suddenly slowed down and everything was as if it were in slow motion. The waitress was walking behind the Asian fella across the table then behind my friend with glasses. When she got behind the guy with glasses time jerked back and she started walking towards him again. Feeling a tug on my arm I looked over and noticed my fork was twirled around in the girls hair sitting next to me, like noodles. The girl was my friend's little sister. My first thought was put the fork in my mouth and eat the hair entangled in it. So I did and disregarded any thoughts that followed the preceding.
The more I pulled on the hair the more came out of her head. It was as if her head was a container with hair in it that I could keep pulling and more would always come out. Chewing her hair was strenuous and with no results. Sick of chewing for no cause I got up and walked towards the exit, the hair in my mouth still. Slack was always there so I saw no reason to spit the hair out. Thinking of the other people eating, I looked back to make sure there was not any hair in anyone's food i had walked by. My friend's sister was now on the floor lying motionless, everyone went on eating as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Aptly though, she was probably just taking a nap, it was getting pretty late about now. I kept making my way through the maze of tables and people, chewing on the hair again.
Walking out the door was probably the same feeling a sweat shop child feels every time he steps out of the factory. He's ready to go home and wake up the next day to the same thing again. Still though, he has that short time of freedom to do as he pleases, so he's going to make the best of it. Since I didn't know where I was going I just looked left and then right to see what each direction would lead me to. Going left looked like it would lead me to a bunch of closed shops and to the right was another busy restaurant. The sidewalk curved around the other restaurant blocking my view of what was to the right. The hair was stuck in the door now that it closed so I just let it drop from my mouth. i went left.
Walking in this cold was no walk in the park, funny huh. I walked into the only open shop, it was a spy shop. There would have to be something in here to hold my attention for a bit while my friends ate at the restaurant. Then I could go back just in time for them to finish eating and not notice one man's moments in absentia..
"Looking for anything in specific?" asked a high pitched, somewhat raspy voice from behind the counter. Hearing this man's voice you'd think he'd be a skinny ill looking fella with a cheek that goes up a little making one of his eyes squint when he talks.
I looked over at him and tried to act like a private eye looking for some new gadgets, I told him,”I'm looking for something I could use to record cell phone conversations, but something that wouldn't give away that's what it was.”
Now, not knowing that something actually existed I figured it would be alright to ask, because then he'd say nothing like that exists and he'd leave me alone.
Right after I'd said it though he said to me,"Sure thing buddy. Right over there, in that case with the blow darts on top, we've got what you're looking for. Let me get it out for ya.” Not expecting him to answer in this way I felt a look of nervousness or paranoia come over my face but I quickly washed it off with a look of confidence and nodded at him without saying anything. It was not a normal nod, that would make me look like a civilian. The kind of nod I did was where you look up a little and pucker your lips a little bit.
I walked over to the case and waited for him, he only took a few seconds to get there, the shop wasn't that big. I tried to read the description of the recorder that was on a little card that was next to it while he was opening the case. That way when I was looking at it I could ask something about it and sound like I knew what I was talking about. He handed it to me. All the time I was looking at it I couldn't help but notice in my peripheral vision his hands moving very close to my face like he was rubbing the sides of my head but not touching me. I tried to look both ways every now and then with only my eyes so as to catch him off guard. Every time I did there was nothing there. Every time I saw his hands by my head I noticed that he had one hand at his side in his pocket and the other was supporting him while he leaned on the case he'd taken the item out of.
"So this will pick up a wide range of frequencies then?" repeating something I'd read off the card.
"Sure will, and no one will suspect that it's anything other then a tape recorder." he replied. The recorder looked just like one of those pocket tape recorders you see writers have in movies, you know, so they can just say a thought into it when something comes to them.
I was starting to feel uncomfortable, I just wanted to go in there and look around too find something interesting and this guy kept standing there. I told him that I was probably going to shop around a little and compare prices.
"Alright," he said," but we're the only store of this kind for a long ways."
"I'll probably be back another time then," I said and started walking out. Before I could get to the door he said something to me that didn't make much sense so I stopped walking and looked at the ground with a puzzled look on my face. "You didn't come in here looking for anything specific but I can give you something you'd be looking for if you knew you could attain it," he said," come with me in the back room to see what I'm talking about. I can tell you're the person I've been waiting for."
I turned around and followed him. He opened a door that lead to a hallway. As we walked down the hallway the floor seemed to tilt until eventually we were on the wall then the ceiling then the other wall and back to the floor. Or were we on the ceiling still? Disregarding it I continued following him until we entered into a room with a desk and a couple of chairs in it. He told me to sit down at a chair in the corner of the room. It wasn't very well lit in here. But there wasn't a lack of light, there was too much light, it was almost white. Nothing hung on the walls, there was a plant sitting next to me on the floor though. Some sort of tree, probably fake, although it looked real under this light.
He sat down and started talking about how people wish they could do things without consequence. He asked me,”If people could do things without consequence shouldn't people who have things done to them be given no consequences either?”
It took me a second to understand exactly what he was asking me. After thinking about if for a few seconds I told him," No. If that were the case nothing would ever happened."
The man stood up with wide eyes and a wide smile,"I've found you, you're the one!" he yelled and jumped. The guy grabbed me repeating himself a few times. He seemed to happy for me to interrupt and ask what he was talking about so I just let him grab shake me in his excitement. Once he was done being excited he started walked over to his chair. Everything started zooming in fast and got stretched and blurred. It looked like when you zoom in with a camera lens and take a picture at the same time. Then a pain shot up my spine and exploded in my skull like an electrical shock.
- - -
I wake up in a car and my clothes are gone. I was wearing someone elses pants with holes in the knees and t-shirt with a band name on it I did not recognize, also containing many holes. I got out of the car and looked around. I was in the middle of nowhere surrounded by corn fields. Looking back in the car to see what time it was I read twelve thirty four. The keys were in the ignition still, so i thought that guy from the spy shop was out in a field going to the bathroom or something. Concluding this was the situation, I yell out into the fields asking if anyone is out there and waited for a reply. Nothing.
I even waited a few minutes in case the guy didn't hear me. I got back in the car and started it up. The car was some sort of red convertible , it had a white topper that folds up. It was a good looking car and it ran good.
Only a few miles of driving and came to a "T" in the road. Looking left revealed more fields to the right i saw more fields. Due to the consequences of my last decision i went right.
Eventually I came upon a gas station with one pump. It didn't look like they needed more then one pump. Due to the lack of activity I wondered if it was even still in business. I pulled up to the pump and got out of the car, picked up the nozzle and started filling up the tank. Since it was probably going to take a minute or two I sat down in the front seat with my feet outside of the car on the ground. The nozzle clicked and I put it back, as soon as I'd done this I realized that I had no money. Paniced, i started looking around in the car, maybe my wallet was put in there somewhere. Nothing was in the car. The last place to check was the trunk. There is a hand written note right in my face taped to the inside of the trunk door when i opened it. I look down in the trunk to see what I had to work with. Instantly, i freezing and notice what is below the note. There are a couple of shotguns, some pistols and some sort of automatic weapons. When the realization that I had a trunk full of guns fully exposed I slammed the trunk door. I looked around to make sure that no one saw anything, even though there wasn't anyone around. I opened the trunk enough to reach in and get the note and slammed it shut again as fast as i could. i looked to make sure no one saw again. The note said:
You're the one I've chosen. You made it known you're the one to be chosen. I knew this by what you said in my office that night. You understand what it would be like for someone to live without consequences. Since you understand how things work in this regard, I've given you the opportunity to do so. For the next week you will have no consequences for any action. Do what you will and enjoy it, it will only last for one week.
Good Luck,
A Friend
The only thing I could think was that I am going to get beat up in the middle of nowhere because I can't pay for the gas and what this note says is impossible. Then curiosity hit me and I thought but what if it isn't impossible.
I went inside and told the person at the cash register that I'd found myself in an odd situation and explained that I had forgot my wallet at home. He said that I didn't have to pay if I didn't want to and waved me off with the back of his hand. It was some redneck fella and he looked kind of stupid so I figured he must not have heard me right and took his word for it anyway. I got in the car fast before the guy could realize what he'd done. I pressed the gas harder then normal, not too hard so as to draw attention though. I wouldn't want these redneck folk to think I was taking off intentionally, if they saw me driving erratically they might think I was.
It only took me about a half hour before I reached a little town called Balewood. The names of small towns annoy me, there is never an interesting name of a small town. The heart of this town consisted of a four way stop. On one corner of this intersection there was a post office, on another there was a bar. The bar looked like it was pretty well inhabited, perhaps because there is nothing else to do in this town. The third corner had a little cafe that looked inhabited, not as much as the bar though. The other corner didn't have anything on it, just a large dumpy building. It looked like it might have been an apartment. Not knowing how long it had been since I'd last eaten I went into the cafe to get some food for free. You can do this sort of thing anywhere, walk in order your food and eat it. Then leave without paying. I'd done this sort of thing a few times before.
The door looked heavy so I pushed a little harder then I normally
would, it swung open and hit the wall, a lot of people turned their head and looked at me. Feeling quite embarrassed I pretended not to notice and stepped in, over by a sign that said “Please Wait...”
The waitress came over and just looked at me as she walked by and nodded at me, quickly tilting her head to the side, signaling me to follow her. She stopped at a table in back of the cafe. When I sat down she still stood there watching me and then asked if I'd like anything to drink and I told her water was fine. Her voice was surprisingly very sweet sounding despite her dirty old woman exterior. Instead of feeling uncomfortable and disliking this woman, now, I felt mixed feelings of comfort and security along with the uncomfortable dislike. This was rather confusing for me, for it reminded me of my Pschyzophrenic aunt that I'd met when I was a child.. My aunt thinks that the FBI is watching her, keeping cameras in electrical outlets and street lights. Pschyzophrenics provide a sense of security for me.
Eventually I picked up the menu and opened it to find there wasn't much of a selection. Things i could choose from were pretty much limited to ham or roast beef sandwiches or ham or roast beef sandwiches with mashed potatoes. Besides that they had a couple differently named cheese burgers that sounded like they were the same thing when I read the description of what was on them. This cafe's food will probably be like the service. Now I won't feel bad at all for leaving without paying. Leaving without paying may be a challenge though, the register was right by the only exit in the building. That can't be up to fire code, there are no fire exits in this place.
It's funny how you still try to get the best deal even when you're going to be stealing the food anyway. The waitress came back to find out what I would be ordering. Since the roast beef and mashed potatoes sounded like the most food that's what I ordered.
“Alright honey, is that it for you then?” she said in that sweet old woman voice.
Is that it for you, what kind of question is that? What else is there? That's what went through my head but all I said was,”Yeah that's it. Thanks.” with a smile on my face. When she started walking away I had this feeling that made me want to start yelling profanities and telling her to shut up, I just kept smiling though.
Sometimes I catch myself staring at something and can't remember the last thought that went through my head, I'm usually unsure of how much time has passed when I find myself in this state. That is exactly what happened when the waitress brought my food. When she set the food down in front of me her name tag caught my attention because when she leaned over it was almost in my face. I felt a little uncomfortable and leaned back a little further in my chair. I tried not to make it obvious that she was making me feel uncomfortable by being so close. Her name tag said “Gretchen” on it.
She stood there a second after she set everything out in front of me and said,”There ya go.” in that sweet old woman voice and walked away. It was at that point that I realized that this woman didn't normally talk like this, she was doing it to act nice to customers. I bet she had one of those dirty old smoker woman voices, that's what she looked like so she must normally talk that way. Those kind of old woman are the kind I just can't stand.
My jaw got numb and tightened up a little. When this happens it usually tightens more on one side and pulls over that way. It feels like someone else is controlling my jaw muscles. It doesn't scare me or anything but I am a little freaked out by it. Even though this was happening I could still eat. Any time I get this feeling in my jaw, I can over power it but it still tugs at me a little.
Gretchen walked over and stood in front of me and smiled with a closed mouth really big and fake and asked,”Is it ok?”
I let out a breath, looked up at her and said,”It's great! . So could you leave me alone and let me eat?” The whole time I was smiling to show my teeth with food in them and had tilted my head a little to the right when I said it. At the end of saying it all I even threw in a little flutter of the eyes for her.
She just smiles at me and says,”Ok then honey, enjoy the potatoes.”like she was implying that she'd done something to them.
Images flashed into my head of me standing up and yelling something at her about how I didn't care when she was done working because I wasn't interested in older woman. She wouldn't know what to say because she would have never expected it. It would get everyone's attention and they would probably believe it, I could probably get my meal for free too.
Once I finished my food I drank the rest of my water and waited for her to walk by and take the dishes. When she did, that's when I'd stand up and make a fool of her. Sure enough she came over with that smile on her face again. I took a deep breath so I could yell as loud as possible, I looked her right in the eyes with an angry look on my face and yelled,” Look lady, I don't care when you're done with work, I'm not into that kind of thing, just leave me alone you sick old woman!”
That really got everyone's attention, everyone's eyes were fixed on her. She looked around without turning her head much, her eyes darted around looking to see if people were watching. They were watching alright, and she was terrified, she looked like she was going to cry and speed walked into the kitchen. When she walked in you could hear the crash of metal and glass hitting the floor. Still, I don't know if she did something or if she accidentally walked into someone carrying out a tray of food. I like to think she walked into someone though, it's funnier. I walked over to the cash register and said angrily,” I am not paying for my food after that stunt from your waitress. I didn't want to cause a scene but she kept making suggestive comments toward me, then she asked if I wanted to meet her when she was done with work.”
The woman at the cash register said how sorry she was and that it wouldn't happen again. My jaw wasn't bothering me anymore when I walked outside to the car, it was pretty loose now. After sitting in the car for a while I thought maybe I should test this thing the guy said in the letter, the thing about having no consequences for a week. I started the car and drove in a random direction. I made sure I wasn't going the same way I came from. When I reached another town I already had planned out what I was going to do.
The car was pretty noticeable out in this rural area, no one had cars like this out here, so I parked it between two buildings near the bank. The first thing I needed to know was the layout of the building and if there were any cameras in the building, so I would just go in and check things out first. Overall it looked like it would be pretty simple, there wasn't even a guard in there and there was one camera. When I walked out though I did notice a squad car sitting down the street at a gas station. I disregarded it, he'd probably be gone by the time I would rob the bank.
The car was in a good location for me to run to it. I started it up and was going to leave it running for a quick get away. Out of the trunk I grabbed one of the shotguns, and made sure it was loaded. It was. Making my way to the bank while carrying a shotgun was sort of nerve racking. Since I had no way to conceal any of the guns so I might as well take the biggest one. At the point where the alley met with the road I peaked out into the road to make sure that cop wasn't still around and then made my way up the street to the bank. When I got to the front door I wanted to make a good entrance by kicking the door open telling everyone to get down on the ground. Next I'd walk over to one of the tellers and make them get the money for me. Everything was going through my head over and over so that I'd get it right, I was imagining it all happening perfectly. This was going to work, it was a simple plan. The door was only a few steps away, I started to plan my steps so I could kick open the door as hard as possible. It then struck me that the door was mostly glass and if I kicked it too hard it would probably break so I decided that I'd try to push it open as hard as I could, then the glass would be less likely to break. The look on my face felt like a good one to rob a bank with so I lifted my foot and pushed as hard as I could. The door didn't move, my foot went right through the glass, there were little ripples on the glass when my foot hit but I didn't see them for long because the rest of my body followed through the rest of the glass.
It felt like I was under water, everything had that color to it, sort of dull with a blue tint. To see what had happened to the door I looked behind me. There were ripples on the door still bouncing off where the edges of the glass met the metal part of the door. Anything that moved was a little bit slower like resistance from the water was slowing them down. To one of the tellers i looked over screaming,”Get down on the ground, I really want to shoot someone, so just move a little.” Everyone dropped to the ground, some people were crying, some people were just terrified and laid there with the look of terror in their eyes, like when you know you might not ever see your loved ones again. Maybe for some of them it was that look of knowing you've just left your house after saying the worst things you can think of to say to your wife, or girlfriend, or mother, or father, or anyone who means anything to you. It was that look that they wish they could take back what they said or say they're sorry, because now they know they're going to die. Just to instill a little more fear in these people, so as to avoid actually having to shoot any of them I screamed,”Somebody move, I want to shoot someone right now!” Then I ran as fast as i could, with the resistance from the water, over to someone and questioned them yelling,”Did you move, I thought I saw you move? Did you move?” while I was kneeling over them.
Walking in slow motion, to the teller I'd looked at when i came in, I pushed up and swam a little to get on top of the counter. That way I could look down at her. She looked up at me from the ground and I told her to get some bags of money for me. She nodded and stood up to run into another room. Swimming up near the ceiling to follow her i watched her grab three bags. She held the bags up to me and i swam down to the floor to take them. She handed them to me and begged me not to hurt her. Laughing a little I made my way to the doors running in slow motion, now that the bags were weighing me down I couldn't swim. While I was running I was jumping over people to get to the door and heard a gun shot, I thought I'd pulled the trigger accidentally so i kept going. From the yelling of some man behind me i realized i hadn't fired my gun, someone was shooting at me. Like anyone would do when they're being shot at I turned around to examine what was happening. The man was a guard, why hadn't I seen him before? Not sure what I should do I just pointed the gun at him, as a result he opened fire on me. There were trails in the water from bullets going past me and some going to the ground in front of me. He continued shooting until the bullets stopped coming, his clip was empty. He must have fired about twenty shots, I thought, and not one hit me. Since he was no longer a threat to me I walked over to the door to run to my car. I'd entered in through the glass in such an odd way I thought I'd have to exit that way as well so I lifted my foot and took a step to go out through the glass. When my foot made contact with the glass I felt everything behind me rushing forward. The water was rushing out through the glass door and taking me with it. In the chaos of this massive wave rushing out into the streets I lost my gun and two of the bags. The water washed me all the way out to the sidewalk. Standing up, I picked up the bags and took off running to the car. Running to the car I noticed that I was dry, come to think of it, the bags were dry too, I could come to no explanation as to why nothing was wet. I threw the bags in through the open window and got into the car. Pulling out of the alley i drove past the bank, it looked like nothing had even happened. The street wasn't wet and there wasn't people outside or anything, it looked like it had before I went in.
This is unbelievable, this is truly happening, that letter was true! What was even greater is I was getting away from the bank and now I saw that squad car again, I flew right past it. Despite how fast I had been going he was behind right behind me pretty fast with his sirens on. The adrenaline rush and pure chaos that I was feeling made me laugh uncontrollably. There was no doubt in my mind that I was going to get away and if I didn't then nothing would come of me, no harm or negative effects anyway. This cop followed me for a while and we reached a highway. I took the exit onto the highway, I could really open it up out there. Right now I am the happiest person on earth, I have almost a full tank of gas and no worries at all, I won't have any consequences for my actions today. The traffic wasn't bad, it was just enough to have fun with, I could swerve in and out of cars, no worries here. Sometimes people would get scared and vier off to the side of the road almost going into the ditch. What great fun, I can do whatever I want! Up ahead traffic started to slow down, I've always hated that. When traffic slows down you always expect there to be a good wreck up ahead, I've never seen one in my life. What I have seen though is traffic come to a complete stop for a piece of cardboard and another time a duck. I'm taking the shoulder this time.
People couldn't notice me coming up behind them since i was going so fast. i wonder if i was starteling them. The road started to curve, I was going so fast it looked like I was going to crash into the next few cars ahead, I wasn't though. Even if I did, nothing would come of it today, for I am the surly scibble that scabbles within your head, you cannot see what is to come of me. Whatever it is I do, there's nothing that can happen to me, you see, I am the only one free, anything I do or say will never touch me now, not today.
A car pulled out in front of me. Smoke was coming out from under it's hood, they were probably overheating. I didn't have enough time to swerve, I turned but not hard enough. My car clipped the front of the car pulling out. My head jerked to one side out the window. Nothing struck my head but it still felt like it because I was disoriented and couldn't get a good grip on the wheel. The ditch only went so far before the woods began. Trees were flying by in random arrays. As I was thinking how I hadn't hit one tree after going by all of these other ones everything went blank.
It's the oddest thing loosing consciousness and waking somewhere else, sometimes you think you're waking into a dream. Everything sounded clashy, talking seemed far off while the rustling of leaves seemed to be right inside my head. The talking that was going on around me was people in white robes and the rustling of leaves was actually paper. I was laying on my back in a bed and some man in white was standing at my feet watching me. When I tried to sit up I was unable to, my muscles didn't work. Since I couldn't sit up I tried to lift my head up to see what was going on, things were very blurred and I wasn't sure where I was or what was going on, so I started yelling for help. The man in white just kept looking at me and nodded disapprovingly. He looked over to my right and said some muffled words, I looked to see who he was talking to, there was another man in white. The other man was holding a knife and he had gloves on, his gloves and chest were covered with blood, he had a mask over the lower part of his face but I could still tell he had an expression on his face showing he was very worried about something. He kept looking at me and said,“Norse marks slobe thame shim still give him imm 90 imm milargrams.” things seemed to make sense then get all slurred, and I'd feel like the waves of the ocean were washing over me, in the short time before another wave would come over me things were more clear but then another wave would wash over me and things would get all slurred again.
Now a woman, also in white, took my arm in her hand while she reached for something else. At first I thought she was pinching my arm, so I started to yell at her, the sound that came out of my mouth wasn't very loud though and I had a hard time changing my facial expression because the muscles in my face felt so weak. Once she quit pinching me my arm felt all warm inside and the warmth spread throughout my arm and starting moving out of it into my shoulder. After the warmth started spreading I could see both of her hands, one was holding a syringe, that's what the pinching and warmth were from. Then, for only a moment, everything I could see turned into a solid object and slid down like a curtain exposing empty blackness behind it.
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A dancing indian led me to burried treasure when i was in Kansas City.
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