Needing grammar/content help on short Description essay - Writers Forum

Kamisama · 02-16-2005, 03:29 PM

I think i've composed a pretty good description essay. However, i've never been a specialist in grammar. Spelling and in content I'm very creative at, however, when it comes to grammar I just can't cut it.

I'm looking for grammatical and content critique and advice. This description essay is primarily graded on grammar usage. So having correct grammar is a must for the highest possible grade.

The essay has to be from 250-750 words.
The essay is about a place I have slept.

So here we go...

An Autumn Day

The calm autumn air breezes past as the neighborhood children across the yard play ball. The round blue ball makes sounds of ricochet as it is kicked against the fence. Each child arguing over which boundary is out and which is goal. The smell of smoke fills the air as each breath takes it in. Someone in the neighborhood must be barbequing chicken, for there is a taste of chicken in the air as it is breathed in. Fall has come into effect and people are enjoying the outdoor weather that comes with it. Why is it that all this time I have spent each day sleeping in doors where video games and television are a common pleasure, when there is a world of beauty and excitement outside everyday that I lose before I go to rest?

While lying out in the wide open yard, cars pass by rumbling down the road over the gravel that leaves a dusty atmosphere behind them. Furry brown squirrels scurry away through tall grass shifting and shaking it as they hold nuts in their mouth so that they may dig away at the ground to hide them for winter. Birds begin to flock together fluttering away into the trees leaving their ominous caw behind to rest. Crickets sound out their violin to call forth other insects of the night to rehearse with them. Air passes by in quick swoop releasing a whistle and a shake to the tree.

The current of the air around commences to pick up. Slowly the air comes from the north with a cool breeze enveloping the body in cold air. The leaves on the tall old maple tree shake down gently, each one being knocked down by the wind. The brown and orange faded leaves loop around once, twice, and then make a slow descent towards the ground. With each shift in position leaves crunch underneath the sleeping bag. The comfortable padding of the bag gives warmth and cushion with each move the body makes from side to side. Light outside slowly begins to fade away. The sun goes into its slumber as the moon awakens to shine its white light upon the land.

Staring up at the sky, stars light up and give a twinkle to the night sky. Above the majestic clouds blowing from north to south are carried as they haze out the shine from the stars. The color of the clouds change from purple to black every minute covering the moon, each having their own characteristics that make out an image of people, objects, and animals. Thoughts reminisce displaying the people I have spoken to and the things that we had done from days before. Gently, a weight is put upon each eyelid lulling me into an unforgettable sleep.

crzywriter · 02-16-2005, 07:38 PM

hello there.

Quote:

The round blue ball makes sounds of ricochet as it is kicked against the fence

That sentence is badly worded, but for the life of me i can't think how to improve it. I know what it is you're trying to say, but...i don't know.

Quote:

Each child arguing over which boundary is out and which is goal

This is a fragment of a sentence; you could perhaps combine it with the previous sentence.

The next sentence is not badly worded, it just seems slightly awkward.

Quote:

Fall has come into effect...

That just sounds pretentious...how about 'it was fall'?

and i think you switch tenses in that sentence.

I know what you're trying to say in the last sentence, but I don't like the way it is worded.

Quote:

...cars pass by rumbling down the road...

your comma should go after 'by'

I think that this whole second paragraph has too-flowery description. I know that this is supposed to be a description essay, but there is a fine line which i think you are toeing.

Quote:

The current of the air around commences to pick up.

'The wind picks up'? isn't that what you're trying to say?

Yes, i have the same comment about this paragraph as the last one. There's no need to lay it on so thick. You can describe more things instead of describing each so intricately.

All in all, there's nothng wrong with this essay, really. I think that some of the description could be trimmed, but that's just my opinion.

hope that that helps.

~Crzy

mammamaia · 02-17-2005, 11:36 AM

if this is for a writing course you're paying for, i'd be happy to help you with it...

but, if you're in school, and this is for a grade that goes in your school records, i don't think it would be entirely honest to get others to correct it for you before handing it in... would it?

sorry, but as a mom/grandmom of many, i can't aid and abet what amounts to cheating on a test, imo...

if you want some tutoring, i'll be glad to help you improve your grammar with non-assigned practice pieces...

love and hugs, maia

Kamisama · 02-17-2005, 10:51 PM

Actually, the teacher let's us critique and revise each other's paper in english 101. If you don't want to help me with this, that is your decision. I'm just trying to learn more from this class than what I have been taught through previous years in highschool.

I do appreciate the memebers here have given so far. They were helpful and some sentence fragments were pointed out. I do understand that it was flowery. I didn't know if that was a bad thing or not. However, I've never really understood the term "fragment".

That cat walked.
I think that's a fragment, but i'm not sure. It has a subject and a verb. Isn't that what makes it a sentence?

But i've always been taught a sentence has 6 words, so I don't see it as a fragment.

Thanks for helping me so far.

mammamaia · 02-18-2005, 11:31 AM

i'm glad to know this is ok with your teacher, but i hope you understand why i had to ask..

as for a 'fragment'... that means a group of words that is missing either a subject or a predicate/verb...

'the cat walked' is a complete sentence, albeit a very short one...

a fragment would be: the cat

as in: Something walked across the floor and slipped under the sofa. The cat. I wondered how it got in.

get it now?... as for being taught that a sentence has 6 words, whoever taught you that should not be teaching english!... many fine sentences have fewer words... and the best writing is a combination of long and short sentences, some of which could well be 5 words or even fewer...

the example above is perfectly good writing, even with just a 2-word fragment... if it read, 'It was the cat.' then it would have been a 4-word sentence and still good writing...

and 'flowery' is virtually never good in any kind of writing i can think of... it's what's commonly referred to as, 'purple prose'... look up lord edward bulwer-lytton for the origin of the term and some of the worst examples of the practice...

hope this helps...

hugs, maia

Kamisama · 02-18-2005, 01:21 PM

I've figured out more of what a fragment is... i think.

well i turn it in today.

English 101-DM
18 February 2005
Description Essay:

An Autumn Day

The calm autumn air breezes past as the neighborhood children across the yard play ball. As the round blue ball is kicked against the fence it ricochets off creating a repetitive bouncing sound wave. I listen to the neighborhood children argue over which boundary is out and which is goal. A sight of smoke in the distance comes to me and the smell of smoke fills the air as each breath takes it in. Someone in the neighborhood must be barbequing chicken, for there is a smell of chicken in the air with each breath that takes it in. Everyone is enjoying the outdoor activities of the autumn season since it has come into effect.
There is a whole world outside that passes by as people stay indoors that can be one of the most inspirational and enlightening experiences.

While lying out in the wide open yard cars pass by, rumbling down the road over the gravel that leaves a dusty atmosphere behind them. Animals are aware of what season it is and decide to plan out their next move. Brown squirrels scurry away through tall grass shifting and shaking it as they hold nuts in their mouth so that they may dig away at the ground to hide them for winter. Birds begin to flock away together, fluttering away into the trees leaving their ominous caw behind to rest. Crickets sound out their violin to call forth other insects of the night to rehearse with them. The air around me passes by in quick swoop releasing a whistle and shake to the tree making it sound like maracas.

The current of the air around commences to pick up once more. Slowly, the air comes from the north with a cool breeze enveloping my body in cold air. The leaves on the tall old maple tree shake down gently, each one being knocked down by the wind. The brown and orange faded leaves loop around once, twice, and then make a slow descent towards the ground. With each shift in position leaves crunch underneath my sleeping bag. The comfortable padding of the bag gives warmth and cushion with each move the body makes inside of it. The light outside slowly begins to fade away. The sun goes into its slumber as the moon awakens with a smile to shine its reflected white light upon the land.

Staring up at the sky, stars light up and give a twinkle to the night sky. Above, the majestic clouds blowing from north to south are carried as they haze out the shine from the stars. The color of the clouds change from purple to black every minute covering the moon, each having their own characteristics that make out an image of people, objects, and animals. Thoughts reminisce through my head displaying the people I have spoken to and the things that we had done from days before. Gently, thoughts slow down and a weight is put upon each eyelid lulling me into an unforgettable sleep.