First Battle - Writers Forum

crzywriter · 02-16-2005, 11:42 AM

This is my first attempt at writing a battle scene. If it doesn't make sense, it may be that you haven't read the rest of the story. That's in the post called 'for freedom and glory'. read that first.

i need to know exactly what i'm doing wrong here, so be as brutal as you can manage.

Mikhail knew that it was going to be a long day the moment he saw the first sign of those uniforms. He had hoped beyond all reasonably hope that he would just slice right through the country without having to fight a single battle. It was not so much that he disliked fighting (for how could he have been a member of Freedom for seven years if he didn’t?), it was that, thanks to Ivan, he knew precisely how strong the American military was. And sure, Nikolai and Sergei and Ivan had drawn up plan after endless plan, the Guards had gone through weeks of torturous training, everything had been planned out perfectly, but Mikhail knew that no plan ever survived first contact with the enemy.

His force numbered just over five thousand; the Americans had at least three times that. As they drew closer and closer, Mikhail could feel the tension building in the air. “Don’t shoot,” he said into the radio. “No one fires until my command.” And he was dead serious.

The Americans were now close enough that Mikhail could see their faces. His eyes flickered from face to face, wondering idly which of them were Freedom supporters. That was Nikolai’s crowning achievement. Many nations had tried in the past to overrun the United States, but geography and psychology had always prevailed and the United States was one of the few nations in the world that could claim that they had never been forced into foreign rule. Ever trick the book had been tried, but if one thing could be said of the Americans, it was that they knew how to fight and win. So, several years ago, Nikolai had begun to discreetly sway the loyalties of handpicked soldiers in the army, air force, navy, etc. These soldiers had then gone on to recruit more to the cause. Supposedly, it was all to fall in place like dominos. That was what the reports had said when they informed Freedom that somewhere around a third of the United States’ armed forces were loyal to Freedom. That number seemed absurdly high to Mikhail; the kind of number that an underling would invent to please his masters. If that was the case, though, Mikhail knew there was a very good chance that he would die this very afternoon, only a mile or so from the Pacific Ocean in California.

Now there was no time left to ponder the what if’s and maybe’s of life. He quickly thumbed the switch on the side of the radio, changing frequencies, and issued his order. “For Freedom and glory!” he said; the prearranged signal for the traitorous Americans to show their true colors. Mikhail had not expected much, but to see only about one in fifty soldiers react was amazingly disheartening. Changing back to the original frequency, he issued rapid commands to the rest of his men, who were separated into 500-man Divisions, as was Freedom’s style. “Divisions A,B, and C, take ‘em head on, try and keep ‘em occupied. D,E,F, hit them from the right flank; G,H,I, you got the left, and J, get behind them. I don’t care how, just do it.” Pausing only long enough to call for air support, he joined up with E Division, who was having a tough time. The Americans’ right flank was almost all heavy artillery, and they were taking a beating.

He glanced around, trying to decide who could afford to lose some men. Not for the first time, he wished he was viewing this from some omnipotent perspective. As it was, most of what he saw was just the flashes of the laser rifles, the dull pounding of the artillery showering floods of dirt onto everything and everyone, the masses of men that were already looking so much the same to him. “Division C, come to the right flank!” he yelled into the radio, hoping that the Division commander, Captain Boris Zemelov, would be able to hear him. It wasn’t clear to him exactly where Zemelov’s division was, but Mikhail had faith in the man. That faith was not entirely unfounded, as a swarm of men in Freedom’s gray and red uniforms headed in his direction.

The Americans were not surrendering easily, though, and Mikhail and his men were forced to run from place to place, chased by the proud, confident American soldiers. Finally, he grew sick of retreating and screamed into the radio, “No one retreats another step! We fight to the fucking death!” Knowing that no one would do so unless he set the example, he strode forward, picking off soldiers with his laser rifle. The rest of his men followed him, gaining perhaps thirty feet or so of ground before the artillery forced them to halt. An explosion dangerously near to Mikhail left his ears ringing and the amount of debris thrown into his eyes blinded him for a few seconds. “Where the fuck is my air support?” he demanded into the radio. A faint voice answered him; it was too faint for Mikhail to understand.

That was when the U.S. Air Force showed up. Cursing loudly, Mikhail dove into one of the craters that littered the landscape as a pounding barrage began. “And to think that I thought we stood a chance,” he grumbled to himself. Venturing up a little to peek out of the hole, he saw that the Americans were getting too close. He grabbed a grenade from the pouch at his side, pulled the pin and tossed it into the mass of Americans. He grinned as he heard the screams. The Guards in his crater immediately began to take out the survivors. Holding one hand over his hear, Mikhail shouted into the radio, “Division Commanders, report!” He received replies from six of the ten, which was, he considered, reasonable. “A,B,D,” he barked, “get RID of that fucking artillery! It’s killing us! F,J, we have got to start pushing these bastards back!”

“Sir,” said Zemelov, coming over to him, “we’ve got to move. We can’t hold this position much longer.”

Mikhail nodded. He made a mental note to kill Ivan if he made it out alive; Ivan had very specifically promised that there would only be one-sided battles, that Freedom would win easily. “Where do you propose we go, Captain?” he asked harshly. He did not wait for Zemelov to answer, instead he screamed, “Follow me!”, leaped out of the crater and straight into the waiting arms of the Americans. In these close quarters, Mikhail grabbed the dagger he habitually carried and held it tightly in his left hand. In a pinch, he could shoot with a laser rifle one-handed, a skill that became necessary over the course of the next few minutes. Mikhail had killed many men face-to-face, but today the scale was so different.

A cluster of low-flying planes appeared in the corner of Mikhail’s vision. He dared not distract himself form the stabbing and shooting that was keeping him alive, but he was sure that those were his planes. And if not, he might as well just kill himself. Just as he buried his dagger to the hilt in some unlucky American’s neck and wrenched it free, a colossal bombard began against the American artillery. The Americans immediately fell back and Mikhail ordered his men to advance and chase them down. The barrage lasted for about ten minutes, and at its completion, the American artillery was destroyed. Freedom’s pilots had the best training in the world and this was the service they existed to provide.

Things became easier after that. Easier, of course, was a relative term. Mikhail still saw Guards’ faces exploding from a point-blank impact of a laser rifle shot, the ground he trod on was covered in gore and bodies, treacherous to the careless. It was then that he was shot through the left shoulder with a laser rifle. The searing intensity immediately cauterized the wound, but he lost all feeling in that arm and saw his dagger fall to the ground without ever feeling it leave his fingers. The adrenaline blocked the pain for a while as he continued to blaze his way through endless Americans with his now-proud Guards at his sides, as he watched the destruction grow ten-fold with the return of the U.S.A.F., as he saw Freedom’s planes mercilessly pound the Americans’ into the ground.

He could see that the battle was turning in his favor. Whether he would have any men left at the end of it was another matter. As soon as he reached a lull in the fighting, the agony of his wound destroyed his mind. He fell to his knees, shaking uncontrollably for a few seconds. It took him a long time to force the pain aside and order his body to control itself. With superhuman effort, he climbed back to his feet and staggered onwards.

It was the arrival of the additional three thousand reinforcements that finally won the battle. Had they not come, Mikhail was sure that he could have won, but the price would have been far greater. Six bloody hours after the first shot was fired, Mikhail and his men finally destroyed the American force. More than anything, Mikhail wished that he could allow them to make camp here. That wasn’t an option, though. He was supposed to have met up with Sven at the California-Oregon border three hours ago. His force had dropped to less than two thousand, not including the reinforcements.

The men did not complain as he issued his orders to them. With resigned expressions on many of their faces, they loaded onto the trucks. They were Freedom Guards and they knew that they still had work to do today.

For that, at least, Mikhail was grateful.

valeca · 02-16-2005, 12:13 PM

Ok, I haven't gotten all the way through, and I'll go back and give it a more thorough read through, but a couple of things have caught my attention.

a simple spelling mistake

Quote:

He had hoped beyond all reasonably hope

Reasonable

A slip of the finger.

Quote:

“Don’t shoot,” he said into the radio. “No one fires until my command.” And he was dead serious.

I don't think you need to have the dead serious bit in there. I can't see him not being serious under the circumstances. It's implied.

Quote:

but geography and psychology had always prevailed and the United States was one of the few nations in the world that could claim that they had never been forced into foreign rule.

Might wanna check into that. History says differently. I saw that you said the story was set in the future on the other thread..so if you mean recent history as pertains to your story, be specific with that.

Good to see you're trying to better the combat side of your story, crzy

Good luck.

Queasy Dillo · 02-16-2005, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Mikhail knew that it was going to be a long day the moment he saw the first sign of those uniforms.

I would have written this as "At the first sign of those uniforms, Mikhail knew it was going to be a long day."

Quote:

He had hoped beyond all reasonably hope that he would just slice right through the country without having to fight a single battle.

Now kick me if I'm wrong, but this man is a self-proclaimed terrorist, and any paramilitary type would have to be almost unebelievably naive to think he could take America without a fight. Hell, the Germans bombed Britain for two years at the opening of WWII - and they never even set boots on British soil.

Quote:

His force numbered just over five thousand; the Americans had at least three times that.

These numbers are way off. Your numbers for the Americans are 15000 - which is the size of one U.S. Division. And believe me, if an organized enemy force made it into the U.S., I think it highly unlikely that only one division would be sent to counter.

Quote:

As they drew closer and closer, Mikhail could feel the tension building in the air. “Don’t shoot,” he said into the radio. “No one fires until my command.”

As much as this scene might build tension, I have a hard time believing that the U.S. Army would open a battle by making a 19th Century-style charge. Previous to any actual ground combat, any enemy forces would be heavily attacked by air and softened up for the infantry.

Quote:

The Americans were now close enough that Mikhail could see their faces. His eyes flickered from face to face, wondering idly which of them were Freedom supporters.

If your field commander is seeing individual faces I think he's a dead man. The 'don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes' went out by the mid-1800s. Besides, your army is equipped with laser rifles. As light is not subject to gravity, your rifles have unlimited range. Why risk disaster by going toe to toe?

Quote:

...were separated into 500-man Divisions, as was Freedom’s style. “Divisions A,B, and C, take ‘em head on, try and keep ‘em occupied. D,E,F, hit them from the right flank; G,H,I, you got the left, and J, get behind them. I don’t care how, just do it.

The numbers I've been quoting are generall accepted worldwide (i.e., 10,000 to 15,000 per division). Also, divisions fall into two categories - regular army, and national guard. Both are identifed by numbers rather than letters, and single letters are never used in radio communications. Instead, the phonetic alphabet is employed to lesson the confusion.

Quote:

Pausing only long enough to call for air support, he joined up with E Division, who was having a tough time. The Americans’ right flank was almost all heavy artillery, and they were taking a beating.

From the sound of this, you have artillery on the front lines alongside infantry. This is tacticall unacceptable - artillery is positioned behind the actual line and fires over the heads of the advancing infantry (think of archers in the middle ages).

Quote:

He glanced around, trying to decide who could afford to lose some men.

This is the sort of commander who gets fragged or shot in the back by his own men.

Quote:

It wasn’t clear to him exactly where Zemelov’s division was, but Mikhail had faith in the man. That faith was not entirely unfounded, as a swarm of men in Freedom’s gray and red uniforms headed in his direction.

Not knowing the location of yourself or your men is inviting disaster. To win, a force must be organized. Even the Viet Cong (considered irregulars) were not simply un-coordinated guerillas. Had they been, the U.S. would have flattened them in weeks.

Quote:

The Americans were not surrendering easily, though, and Mikhail and his men were forced to run from place to place, chased by the proud, confident American soldiers.

This doesn't sound like the Americans are losing. In fact, this sounds like Mikhail's getting his lunch eaten. This also happens rather suddenly, as the battle hasn't been going very long.

Quote:

Knowing that no one would do so unless he set the example, he strode forward, picking off soldiers with his laser rifle.

It is exceedingly difficult to walk and fire accurately at the same time. Plus, he's toast if there is a single competent American soldier. Contrary to what Hollywood says, standing upright in the middle of a battle is detrimental to your health.

Quote:

The rest of his men followed him, gaining perhaps thirty feet or so of ground before the artillery forced them to halt.

The blast radius of a modern-day artillery shell is significantly more than thirty feet. Unless future artillery has somehow weakened....

Quote:

In a pinch, he could shoot with a laser rifle one-handed, a skill that became necessary over the course of the next few minutes.

Can you fire a rifle one-handed? Certain models, yes. Is it accurate? Not even remotely.

Quote:

A cluster of low-flying planes appeared

A formation of low-flying planes appeared.

Quote:

The Americans immediately fell back and Mikhail ordered his men to advance and chase them down. The barrage lasted for about ten minutes, and at its completion, the American artillery was destroyed.

The Americans wouldn't retreat after losing their artillery, as heavy guns are only a supporting measure. The brunt of combat is borne by infantry and armor and only when enough of those are lost will a force pull back.

***

Since you've asked me to check this on its military components, I'll leave the grammar, spelling, and punctuation to other critiquers.

What most stretches the credibility here are some of the tactics. You have armies of the future using offensive moves that were outdated in World War I with the advent of the machine gun. Assuming technology continues to advance, combat in the future would probably be completely foreign to the warrior of today.

You could probably afford to do a little more research all around and maybe detail their equipment and organization more. I personally have a hard time believing a disorganized band such as this would be able to reach American shores, much less force a landing and go head to head with the U.S. forces.

And parts of this just strike me as a little too Hollywood.

But that's just my opinion. Take it or leave it.

Dillo

crzywriter · 02-16-2005, 03:11 PM

No, you're completely right, dillo.
thank you for taking the time to look this over. I will certainly consider everything you have said...it all makes a lot of sense.
it'll take time but i'm not adverse to doing research. a million thank-yous are in order.

val, thanks for pointing out those mistakes. they will be fixed.

~Crzy

Queasy Dillo · 02-16-2005, 03:13 PM

No problem.

Talia_Brie · 02-17-2005, 08:39 PM

This struck me as an ambush. Outnumbered 3 against 1 an ambush is the only way you're going to stand a chance.

I didn't like the fact the commander started directing troops after the first engagement.

There seemed to be a couple of big jumps, where a lot of important things happened but weren't described.

I think with this kind of engagement you really need to talk about the movement of troops more. The lines are flexible, with one side then the other gaining the advantage. You also need to describe the environment better. Are there tree lines the Guard can retreat into etc?

Think on a broad scale. What would the American troops do if struck by an ambush? I'd think they'd withdraw a little, not overextend trying to fight on four fronts. You've only sent one company to the rear, which means the defenders are probably going to break through there and retreat up the road. Is there a reason they can't do that? If they can move back up the road the Guard are only going to be able to pursue them on one front, where the defenders higher numbers will make the difference.

There were some infiltrators in the American division. What happens to them? What kind of damage could they inflict on short notice? Why aren't they taking out the artillery (I think Queasy should have convinced you to change that)?

Overall I didn't think this was as effective as it could have been. I personally think that if this is the first major engagement of the war this description needs to be a lot longer, and more specific.

Rely heavily on the advice that Queasy gave you, because he's the self-professed gun nut, and he knows what he's talking about. But, having said that let me say this:

Quote:

Quote:
The Americans were now close enough that Mikhail could see their faces. His eyes flickered from face to face, wondering idly which of them were Freedom supporters.

If your field commander is seeing individual faces I think he's a dead man. The 'don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes' went out by the mid-1800s. Besides, your army is equipped with laser rifles. As light is not subject to gravity, your rifles have unlimited range. Why risk disaster by going toe to toe?

He could be seeing their faces through his rifle scope, or just through standard binoculars.

Quote:

Quote:
He glanced around, trying to decide who could afford to lose some men.

This is the sort of commander who gets fragged or shot in the back by his own men.

What you need to say here is "where he could draw troops."

Quote:

Quote:
It wasn’t clear to him exactly where Zemelov’s division was, but Mikhail had faith in the man. That faith was not entirely unfounded, as a swarm of men in Freedom’s gray and red uniforms headed in his direction.

Not knowing the location of yourself or your men is inviting disaster. To win, a force must be organized. Even the Viet Cong (considered irregulars) were not simply un-coordinated guerillas. Had they been, the U.S. would have flattened them in weeks.

This is obviously a good point, but I don't necessarily agree, because as you pointed out, no plans last past the first engagement. Which means ytou need to say here that you know where Zemelov's company is meant to be, but you can't see through the smoke/explosions.

So what I'm saying is that while Queasy advice is expert, you can move around it without having to discard the entire battle.

Queasy Dillo · 02-17-2005, 08:46 PM

Move around my advice?

Like hell!

**redeploys artillery to fire on TB's post**

crzywriter · 02-17-2005, 09:05 PM

i remember that dillo used to give me donuts. i like that.
and i'm scared of dillo. weirdo gun-nut.

that said, Talia_Brie, I will take your advice into consideration. thanks.

i can see weeks of research ahead of me.

*sigh*

~Crzy

demonic_harmonic · 02-17-2005, 09:14 PM

lol have fun with research. yeah, i have to do that with kiln because of art info, but nothing as bad as war.

good luck. lol.

crzywriter · 02-17-2005, 09:19 PM

i shall desperately need that luck, trust me.

~Crzy

Talia_Brie · 02-17-2005, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Queasy Dillo

Move around my advice?

Like hell!

**redeploys artillery to fire on TB's post**

Your excessive capitalist aggression does not frighten me, vermin

**Calmly deploys demonic whale in retaliation**

crzywriter · 02-17-2005, 09:28 PM

Hey

You are NOT going to war on this thread.

and that is final.

~Crzy

Talia_Brie · 02-17-2005, 09:50 PM

Do you really want to step into the middle of this?

crzywriter · 02-17-2005, 09:54 PM

if that's what it takes

besides, i'm crzy, i'm not afraid of you guys!!

~Crzy

Queasy Dillo · 02-17-2005, 09:58 PM

**barbecues demonic whale with napalm**

Mmm....barbecued whale....