Mark & Clark---~ Need Adive.. LOTS OF!!! Not good.. I kn - Writers Forum

angilic_devil · 02-13-2005, 12:18 PM

ehm ehm.... tell me wat u think

and dont be selfish with yer advices... like some

lol* just j/kin

Chapter One
As far as I remember, they were a very happy family. Living next door had given me the ability to read through their minds and know each single thing that went on in their house. I was accustomed to their smiley faces every morning and the usual greetings, and I would easily guess that there was something wrong if one of its members was looking sad or gloomy.

Every morning, their father Ray would be the first to leave the house, waving at me as I smiled at him and getting into his car, followed by his three little children: Mark, Clark and Emma, who were struggling every day with the fact that they are late for the school bus. As usual, Mark would look at me and say “Morning” and then quickly run to catch up with his brother and sister. Later at morning at about 10 o’clock, Chris, their older brother, would get into his car and drive off to his university. He never paid any much attention to me as I sat down in my garden; I suppose it was because he was always late for university. Then when the house is finally empty and Elaine, the mother, was left alone, she would invite most of her neighbors for an afternoon tea. I remember her insisting that I should come over but I had always refused, for somehow I enjoyed watching them rather then getting involved in their life.

Their large mansion was in the middle of the town and it was considered to be a landmark since its size was very large considered to the small houses that surrounded it. The house had a large metal gate at the front which leads to a stairway where a door lay ahead. It had a big garden with some flowers that Elaine had planted by herself on both sides of the garden that were the closest to the main door. The only faulty thing that the house’s designer did not overlook was the low fence which separated my house from theirs.

Ray Anderson, the father, owned one of the most leading companies in the region, Andersons Inc. he was a busy man or so it seems; he was always the first to leave the house in the morning and the last to come back at the evening. Elaine, the mother, had once been an English Literature teacher, but when Mark and Clark were born she decided to quit her job and become a house wife. Chris had always been fond of Law and court ever since he was a child. Elaine used to say that he was the ‘perfect child’ since he always achieved the highest scores, and as a result he had joined of the best universities around. Mark and Clark were identical twins and the most spoiled in the house, and as I remember they were very cheerful, hyperactive and social. The youngest child, Emma, was more like a tomboy than a girl since she was raised up in a house of boys. I remember her being so attached to Mark, following him everywhere just like a shadow.

There something funny about the way each family member looked. They might all have similar faces but each had a different colour of hair and eyes, as though they were a mix of all the colours that any person could think of. For example, Ray, who was in his 40’s, had a light brown hair and deep blue eyes. Elaine, who was in her late 30’s, had a long golden silky hair and light green eyes. Chris was an exact copy of his mother except the hair which was blond. Mark and Clark had a dark brown hair and the same deep blue eyes of their father. However, if they all had something in common with the other then Emma is the only exception. She had a ginger curled her and light brown eyes.

Everything was ‘just perfect’ for the family, until that that one particular day that changed the flow of their life and tore everything that was centered on happiness into small pieces that could not be mended, just like a jigsaw puzzle that needed someone professional to put its small pieces back together.

Who would have guessed that something like this was ever bound to happen to this perfect family? I somehow was stunned; it was not something that my brain could register easily. I had known this family for as long as I could remember, but I suppose that nothing is perfect in this world, and perhaps when people talk a lot of something as good, it somehow takes all the goodness away from it.

It all started back then, in December 1992, when the twins were enthusiastically planning for their 12th birthday party. Mark was holding a handful of invitation cards as he slowly walked towards Clark who was lazily laying in the garden and staring at the small clouds in the sky as they gathered to form a larger cloud.

“I don’t know,” Clark said crossing his legs and looking at Mark, “Carlos and Dane only.”

“Only?” Mark laughed placing the invitation cards on the recently-cut grass and sitting down next to Clark, “I’ve though of ten names already.”

Clark was the type of person who enjoyed being friends with a specific amount of people, and once he became friends with Carlos and Dane he did not think of getting any more friends. Unlike Mark who liked to be a friend to everyone, he might like some friends in particular, but still, he enjoyed being friends with everyone.

“The whole class,” Mark smirked at Clark, “except you know who …”

“Let me guess, Janet Thomson?” laughed Clark looking at the empty card that remained on the grass while the rest were placed in the bag.

“I feel sorry, I mean it would be rude and all,” Mark paused and grinned at Clark, “but I cannot stand her!”

“Oh-Mark…” Clark made an imitative face of Janet and a squeaky voice that was perfectly imitated, “Can I have launch with you?”

Mark laughed loudly as he stood up, “excellent one Clark,” he opened the house’s door and entered still laughing as hard as could. Clark remained in his place giggling as he continued staring at the sky. Janet Thompson, Clark thought , is the least person I’d like to see in my party.

ehm... ehm.... anyone?

valeca · 02-13-2005, 01:02 PM

ok, you got some work to do here. Above all else, it needs to be formatted to make reading easier. One large chunk of words, like this piece, is hard on the readers eyes. Break it up.

I like the first sentence. After that you start to switch tense's back and forth.

Quote:

I was accustomed to their smiley faces every morning

Smiley doesn't work here. Smiling would.

Quote:

considered to be a landmark since its size was very large considered to the small houses that surrounded it.

Second considered does't work. Considering perhaps, but the whole arrangement of this sentence needs to be rethought.

Quote:

It had a big garden with some flowers that Elaine had planted by herself on both sides of the garden that were the closest to the main door.

So does this one. Too many 'that's'

Quote:

The only faulty thing that the house’s designer did not overlook was the low fence which separated my house from theirs.

This sentence makes no sense. Faulty and did not overlook don't work together. And what's wrong with this low fence? You need to tell us why it's faulty...if it is. I'm not sure from reading the sentence if it's faulty or was overlooked by the designer because it's fine.

This is as far as I've gotten. Reading the format you have here is too hard on my eyes. I'll try to come back to it later, once it's changed

angilic_devil · 02-13-2005, 02:33 PM

*claps* you have nooo idea how happy i am to have someone critsizing and helping me

never had anyone before ;'( those forums rock man

lol* thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaank you so much ^^ (hurries up to fix some stuff) yer the best

(Fixed it up

saw a topic at other forums... ^^)

valeca · 02-13-2005, 02:52 PM

lol, I've never had anyone take a crit so well

It's nice to see.

crzywriter · 02-13-2005, 06:29 PM

I'm going to be honest with you, and you said that you wanted honest advice. So, here goes.

Quote:

...who were struggling everyday with the fact that they are late for the schoolbus

You changed tenses here. Make up your mind and decide whether you want this piece to be in present or past tense. From the first paragraph, you make it seem as though you want it in past.

Quote:

Later at morning at about 10 o'clock...drive off to his university.

Do you mean, later in the morning. I think that sounds better. And is it really 'his' university? I think you can drop that, and it sounds just as good. And then in the next sentence, I think you can end it with 'he was always late'. I think it's fairly clear what he is late to.

Quote:

Then when the house is finally empty and Elaine, the mother, was left alon, she would invite most of her neighbors over for an afternoon tea

You switched tenses again. And if Chris leaves at 10, then why are they being invited for AFTERNOON tea?

Quote:

Their large mansion was in the middle of the town and it was considered to be a landmark since its size was very large considered to the small houses that surrounded it.

Wow, is this sentece clunky. You say it was large twice, and considered is the wrong word in that sentence...perhaps compared would be better? I think that whole sentece needs some work.

Quote:

...had a large metal gate at the front which leads to a stairway...

Tense switch again.

The next couple of paragraphs are okay, even if some of the sentences could probably use some work. They're also a little over-descriptive, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

You then lead us on with the 'something' that happens, but then you go on to a conversation between Mark and Clark. Their dialogue annoyed me.

Do you mean 'can i have LUNCH with you'?

Throughout all of this, you have been talking from a third person spectator. Then, at the very end, you switch to what Clark is thinking. That really doesn't work.

Hope this helps.

~Crzy

angilic_devil · 02-14-2005, 08:42 AM

Thanx for the critics

As for tenses........ lol* Me English teacher tells me the same, i tend to be careless when it comes to verbs

thanx alot! really need someone to remind me of it

Hmm... and the third person prospective: I wanted to tell the story and express the charecters thoughts and emotions without having any 3rd charecter person in the story telling the story. But i didn't know how, so i got a question here:

Would it be better if I just do it without involving a charecter? like the story is told.... just told. it expreses the charecters deep thoughts, emotiions and stuff. (if u dunno wat i mean, ask!!! having problems explaining. its just, like most stories ya know)

So My main problem here is how to write it? in what prospective?
I thought I'd let one of the charecters tell a story, but it sounded kiddish like, not professional. and somehow.

Erm, one more thing!! I didnt get the part about 'suddenly changing to dialoge" wat do u mean? (alwways curios

)

thnx for being honest, love it

cheers~

valeca · 02-14-2005, 09:16 AM

As far as I've been given to understand, 3rd person, past tense is the accepted mode of story telling. Not that the others aren't done, it just get's harder and more complicated as you go.

My suggestion would be to stick with 3rd person until you have that nailed down cold. Then branch out and try different techniques. I think I understood you wanting to write from the perspective of one of the characters, but for now, you run the risk of losing the reader due to confusion.

Give it a re-write in 3rd person and see how that works for you.

If you want me to read it over, just PM me.

Good luck.

angilic_devil · 02-14-2005, 10:16 AM

isnt this already in 3rd person view? I'm confused... honestly

valeca · 02-14-2005, 12:48 PM

Parts of it were, you switched back and forth several times to 1st person perspective, and tenses went from present to past to present again.

I think this is an example.

Quote:

Then when the house is finally empty and Elaine, the mother, was left alone, she would invite most of her neighbors for an afternoon tea.

And this...

Quote:

Mark, Clark and Emma, who were struggling every day with the fact that they are late for the school bus.

I'd like someone else to double check my examples though.

angilic_devil · 02-14-2005, 02:02 PM

hmmm....... the tenses, I've fixed some up:
like:

Quote:

Mark, Clark and Emma, who were struggling every day with the fact that they are late for the school bus.

Do you mean fixing tenses as this: "who were struggling every day with the fact that they were late for the school bus"

Erm:
Been wondering, 3rd person: is someone who has nothing to do with the story but just tells it. rite? teacher said something like that last time

the original thing i wrote years ago was being told by Clark, but I thought I'd change it, coz it would be better like this

lol* I have stopped writing now thinking about this.... should i continue it this way? or go back to the old way?

Sorry for asking too much

but I always belive I'm a newb to everything

lol*

crzywriter · 02-14-2005, 03:19 PM

Yes, Valeca, i think that those were a couple of the biggies that I saw.

And there's no problem with asking questions...that's how you get better. It's the ones that know they have questions but don't ask them that I have a problem with.

I think that your story will work fine this way. Oh, and about earlier, what i meant about the suddenly thing.

So you're talking about how everything is perfect and all until that particular day. ANd then you go into the twins' birthday party. Seemed like kind of a letdown. that's all.

~Crzy

angilic_devil · 02-15-2005, 06:40 AM

yea

somehow at that point i didnt know what to write, so......

I just ya know, thought it would work... but, thanx for telling me that before I'd let anyone read it

lol*

Gonna fix tha bittie over there..... thnx alot