Forever - Prologue - Writers Forum

Muffin Man · 02-11-2005, 10:34 PM

Who wants to live forever?

Did the idea of eternal life cross my mind during the normal course of mine? Sure. What man woman or child doesn’t contemplate their own mortality? It wasn’t until I made the conscious decision not to die that I really believed in an immortal soul.

Am I talking about Religion? God with a capital gee? Sure. Hell, I believe in heaven. How’s that for reflexive?

Have I seen heaven? Nope, and the only hell I’ve seen was Hanoi. No, I didn’t see Jane Fonda. And no, I don’t hate her. I wish I’d have gotten a chance to see her, at least I’d have had a good memory to jerk off to. As it was, all I could muster up was a cloudy image of a picture of my girlfriend (Mary Lou Sameway). Mary Lou Giffen by the time I shipped stateside. Such is life.

And what did I do after the war? I grew my hair out and smoked dope and had fantastic, unprotected sex. The way I had it figured, there was catching up to do. This was before the AIDS epidemic, mind you. A little penicillin was all you had to fear from an active sex life. And maybe a kid or two. Or even a wife.

A lot of guys get sullen when you ask them about their time there. Fair enough, we had a lot of shitty times in the boonies. I don’t mind having a chat about things, not one bit. I’ve killed. Men. Women. Children perhaps. The Hanoi Hilton staff cooked my balls a few times in a private suite. I even had a mean case of the clap. Drip drap clip clap.

So, immortality. Interested? It’ll only cost you nineteen ninety-five or $19.95. $19.99 if I believed in pennies.

It didn’t happen in Hanoi. It didn’t happen in a Saigon whorehouse. It didn’t even happen in the backseat of Mary Lou Giffen’s husband’s car (a 1972 Ford Thunderbird). An American story would usually try to start from a baseball game or a Wal-Mart. Mine really began in a recliner, under warm blankets, at just about the moment the bourbon splashed into my stomach.

crzywriter · 02-11-2005, 10:52 PM

hmmm...sounds like it could be interesting. at the very least, it caught my attention.

~Crzy

clswriter · 02-11-2005, 11:20 PM

I am confused, what is the point? What is this character trying to say?

Muffin Man · 02-11-2005, 11:22 PM

You get another 250-300 pages to find out.

Novicewriter · 02-11-2005, 11:28 PM

Was a bit confusing however it did catch my attention. I do look forward to reading more...

NW

Queasy Dillo · 02-11-2005, 11:39 PM

I'm going to buck the trend here and say I like it. I can't put a finger on why, but I like the generally conversational tone and the strange humor.

But I'm weird that way.

Neverfate · 02-12-2005, 12:57 AM

I'm not a big fan of the conversational style, but my personal opinion aside, it's done fairly well. I haven't the slightest idea where the story is going because this really doesn't feel like a prologue at all. It looks like maybe you're trying to set something up, but it's just no catching on as well as it could. It could establish more of a point.

However, what is appealing is the way the character says things. It's off-beat, but done well. Things that are referenced or said aren't too bizarre and they bring a certain edge to the character.

You might want to try establishing a more clear itroduction for the prologue instead of relying on the protagonist's very amusing rhetoric.

I like it, but I just wish there was a better sense as to where it was going. You'll catch even more attention from the reader with both the interesting protagonist and a slightly more focused direction.

Hope I could be of help.

mammamaia · 02-12-2005, 10:31 AM

a good start for something akin to the hard-boiled gumshoe 'noir' works of chandler, hammett, and their ilk... don't know where this is going, but the writing is good enough to overcome my usual distaste for first person pov... i read the whole thing!

have at it, mm!

hugs, maia