deleted - Writers Forum

cyberspecter · 02-10-2005, 01:34 PM

story deleted

CrimsonMoon · 02-10-2005, 02:30 PM

That was excellant, cyberspecter. Very attention grabbing opening and it kept me intrigued throughout the piece. I honestly didn't see any mistakes but, then again I just spent the last hour and a half typing copy so I may be mistaken. I truly hope that there is more to this piece for it may be an amazing short- story but, it could be transformed into a really action packed novel. Way to go!

crzywriter · 02-10-2005, 03:59 PM

yeah, i like this one a lot better. i'm sure you had it in the last version, but i just noticed it this time: the connection between Dante and the Inferno. ha...i'm proud of me for noticing.

all in all, this is the best version yet.

the sentece "the winter had been unusually harsh", i think, would best fit into the beginning of the next paragraph, not as a separate one entirely.

and thank you for clearing up the whole cop thing.

good job!!

~Crzy

cyberspecter · 02-10-2005, 06:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by miawriter

I'm watching your progress with this one with great interest...you are saving all draft versions aren't you?

Mia

Yes and it's a good thing I have a large hard drive on this computer. Judging from this post, I have a feeling I'll need it...

cyberspecter · 02-10-2005, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crzywriter

yeah, i like this one a lot better. i'm sure you had it in the last version, but i just noticed it this time: the connection between Dante and the Inferno. ha...i'm proud of me for noticing.

all in all, this is the best version yet.

the sentece "the winter had been unusually harsh", i think, would best fit into the beginning of the next paragraph, not as a separate one entirely.

and thank you for clearing up the whole cop thing.

good job!!

~Crzy

I'm proud of you too!

Thanks again for your attention to this story. However, I think I'll leave the "winter..." line the way it is. It may be hammerlike in it's use, but it goes to not only the weather as a meaphor for his soul but also to the fact that it was harsh on him in general.

Thanks again

Paul

cyberspecter · 02-11-2005, 02:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by miawriter

Quote:

Judging from this post, I have a feeling I'll need it...

I think you are definitely moving in the right direction with this but I always think it is a bad idea to simply overwrite work...when you get towards a final draft, you may decide you want to incorporate a line, phrase or idea from one of the earlier drafts and it would be a shame if they were lost. I was just checking

Nobody said this writing lark was easy...

Mia

Amen to that Mia!

I fear, at this point, is that I'll fiddle with it too much and ruin it.

Queasy Dillo · 02-11-2005, 02:15 PM

I liked it. My only major suggestion here would be to correct the spacing, but that's a minor nag.

Nicely done.

Aevin · 02-11-2005, 03:16 PM

First of all ... good stuff. I think my biggest qualm with it is the title.

I loved the way you kept the intensity going throughout. You continually gave little hints at certain things, never explaining them too fully, baiting the reader into continuing until the end. You didn't explain the circumstances of the shooting until the end of the piece. You also used this trick on a smaller scale--with the name of Dante, for example. When I reached the point about the Inferno, and his "namesake," I thought, "his name was Dante," and several lines later, it was confirmed. You scattered little hints throughout the story, and finally gave the answer at the end. Excellent job.

Like I said, my biggest qualm is with the title. "When Life and Death Collide ...." Sounds like you're trying a little too hard. You might go with a shorter, more maneageable title that hints more toward the problem of the central character.

I haven't seen your previous versions, but if you're making this worse by revision, I'd love to see the greatness of your previous drafts. (That was sarcasm: even though I haven't seen your other drafts, I can tell this one is great, and must be an improvement).

Let's see ... There was one other spot that bothered me.

Quote:

When I bought the plane ticket to Colorado Springs that April a month after the shooting, I told myself I just needed a change of scenery.

This sentence strikes me as a little too cumbersome, and gives information that is either superfluous or revealed later in the story. I would write the sentence like this: "When I bought the plane ticket a month after the shooting, I told myself I just needed a change of scenery." Writing it this way would make it flow more easily, and the fact that he's going to visit his parents in Colorado Springs will be revealed later.

Again ... This is great stuff. I especially loved the recurring, traumatic visions of the shooting and the kid covered in blood. Good stuff, Cyberspecter!

cyberspecter · 02-11-2005, 03:54 PM

Thank you all for your attention and insight. I consider myself to be blessed- both in having found this site and in getting praise from the likes of such great talent.