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Old 02-10-2005, 11:59 AM   #1
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Umbrellas in the snow (new ending)

I'm going to change the beginning, but I like the rapport between these two. I'm just not sure what to do with them now . Any ideas?

Umbrellas in the Snow

The young boy and an old woman walk along the beach, trodding through the fallen snow. The frigid waters of Lake Superior crash along the shore like watery giants. The woman is spindly and thin, and she pulls her heavy wool coat tighter around her waist. She wears a thick stocking cap which makes her looks like a submarine captain. Her face is crisscrossed with wrinkles, as many from crying as from laughing. The boy is crammed into a bright blue snowsuit. He plods along like a tiny Michelin Man. He studies the old woman as they walk.

“Grandma Apple, why did you bring an umbrella on our walk?” he asks.
“It helps me along,” she tells him.

“Why don’t you just use a cane?”

She scowls. “I don’t need a cane, Joey. Your grandma can get along just fine without a cane. Besides, what if it rains and I didn’t bring an umbrella? Then what? You’d get all wet.”

“But Grandma, it’s winter,” Joey says, laughing. “It snows in the winter.”

“The world is a wonderful place,” she tells him. “You never know what’s going to be around the next bend.”

“What’s so wonderful about it?”

“Oh Joey, lots of things. Did you know there are lizards that can change colors? They can be as red as your hat or as black as my boots.”

“Lizards? Eeeeewwww.”

“All right then, what about whales? Some whales grow to be bigger than your school bus.”

“Bigger than even the big yellow bus? What do they eat? Cows?”

“No, they eat krill.”

“What’s krill?”

“Krill are like little bitty shrimp,” she tells him, holding her fingers half an inch apart.

“So how do the whales get so big if they only eat little krills?”

“They eat a whole lot of them.”

“Are there any whales or krills out there?” Joey asks, pointing out at the big lake.

“Nope. Some sturgeon maybe.”

“Sturgeon?’

“They’re like big, old, dinosaur fish.”

“I want a dinosaur fish! He could be friends with Steve.”

“Is Steve your goldfish?”

Joey nods. “He’s my friend, too. We do homework together sometimes, and I tell him stories.”

“Do you have lots of friends? Other than goldfish, I mean?”

“Sure. I play with Tim and Dan and Tony and the other Tim and Lisa. I’ve got lots of friends. What about you Grandma? Do you have lots of friends?”

“Oh, not as many as I used to,” she tells him. “I had quite a few in my day, but many of them have passed away now.”

“Like Grandpa?” She nods. “Are you going to pass away, Grandma Apple?”

“Yes, Joey, eventually I will.” His eyes grow wider. “Oh, don’t worry, child. I don’t plan on moving on for quite some time. I’ve got lots of life left in me.”

“Promise?”

“I do.”

“But what if you don’t know when you’re going to die?”

“Who is better to know when I’m going to die than me, hmmm?” Joey chews over this for a minute as their footsteps squeak along the snowy beach.

“What if you die before we come back?”

“Joey, you’re only going to Colorado. You’re not going to the moon. I’m sure we’ll see each other again soon.”

“I don’t want to go to Colorado.”

“Why not? It’s just like Minnesota, just with mountains instead of lakes.”

“I hate mountains.”

“Oh stop. You don’t hate mountains. You’ve never even seen any of them. I’ll be you even learn how to ski in Colorado.”

“But I’m going to miss everything here,” Joey protested. “I’m gonna to miss you and the lake and the snow and my friends and everything else. I’m gonna miss home.”

“You’ll have a new home. You’ll make new friends and have a new house and a new school and new things to do. You’ll see, Joey. You’ll love it. Sometimes we have to let things change.”

“Why?”

“Because things change weather we want them to or not, just like the colors on the lizard. You just have to make the best of things.”

The two of them walked on, one small set of footsteps next to a larger set, the snow punctured every few feet by the point of an umbrella. As they turned around and headed home, it started to rain.
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Old 02-10-2005, 12:07 PM   #2
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a charming little piece... don't know what you can do with it other than leave it as is... a few minor glitches aside, it's pretty well written... might go over in an ezine for the elderly... or as the intro to a children's book on 'dying'?
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Old 02-12-2005, 10:22 PM   #3
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oooohhh...writing in present tense...i've never been good at that and stand in awe of people that can.

i think its sweet. there are a few grammar mistakes, but i'm too tired to point them all out now. there weren't THAT many. the one that really caught my eye was them 'trodding'. it's so 'treading'.

have no idea where this could be going but it was kinda nostaligc and brings back all the memories of me w/ my grandma *tear*.

i liked this a lot.


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Old 02-13-2005, 08:41 AM   #4
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I agree that the beginning needs to be changed. Maybe you could work in the descriptions you have of the pair at the start...they were well done.
'crammed into a bright blue snowsuit' - I really liked that.

As for idea's where to go...hmmm, there are so many. One that sticks out would be Gramma actually dying soon, despite her words to the contrary. Delve into how the boy deals with this (well meaning) ultimate promise being broken. How it affects him..yada yada.

Or, introduce the boy dealing with terminal illness himself. Something about this tells me that gramma intends on sticking around to help him..maybe until he makes that final jump? And Gramma going with him...I just get the impression that she would do this. Morbid, yes. But I think it could be made into a touching little story.

Good luck
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Old 02-13-2005, 02:04 PM   #5
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I agree with what has already been said here. I think this is a nice neat package for a short short.

Some little nits if you will indulge me:


Quote:
The young boy and an old woman walk along the beach, trodding through the fallen snow. The frigid waters of Lake Superior crash along the shore like watery giants. The woman is spindly and thin, and she pulls her heavy wool coat tighter around her waist. She wears a thick stocking cap which makes her looks like a submarine captain. Her face is crisscrossed with wrinkles, as many from crying as from laughing. The boy is crammed into a bright blue snowsuit. He plods along like a tiny Michelin Man. He studies the old woman as they walk.
This is slow and cumbersome. I think you can tighten it up. Trim the fat so to speak.

In the sentence about the lake. Waters and Watery in the same sentence is redundant. "Like giants" is fine. Or what came to me is: "like giants cavorting" but then I like the word cavorting...guess that'll be my new word of the week.



Quote:
“Grandma Apple, why did you bring an umbrella on our walk?” he asks.
“It helps me along,” she tells him.

“Why don’t you just use a cane?”

She scowls. “I don’t need a cane, Joey. Your grandma can get along just fine without a cane. Besides, what if it rains and I didn’t bring an umbrella? Then what? You’d get all wet.”

“But Grandma, it’s winter,” Joey says, laughing. “It snows in the winter.”
I like this exchange. It's very realistic




Quote:
“The world is a wonderful place,” she tells him. “You never know what’s going to be around the next bend.”

“What’s so wonderful about it?”

“Oh Joey, lots of things. Did you know there are lizards that can change colors? They can be as red as your hat or as black as my boots.”

“Lizards? Eeeeewwww.”
Ok maybe Joey was raised differently than the boys I know around this age. I just think lizards are cool to most little boys. But, that's just me, I suppose.



Quote:
“All right then, what about whales? Some whales grow to be bigger than your school bus.”

“Bigger than even the big yellow bus? What do they eat? Cows?”
I like Grandma's line but hate Joey's line here. I guess it's "bigger" and "big" in the same line.


Quote:
“No, they eat krill.”

“What’s krill?”

“Krill are like little bitty shrimp,” she tells him, holding her fingers half an inch apart.

“So how do the whales get so big if they only eat little krills?”

“They eat a whole lot of them.”

“Are there any whales or krills out there?” Joey asks, pointing out at the big lake.

“Nope. Some sturgeon maybe.”

“Sturgeon?’

“They’re like big, old, dinosaur fish.”
I love this exchange.




Quote:
“Who is better to know when I’m going to die than me, hmmm?” Joey chews over this for a minute as their footsteps squeak along the snowy beach.

This feels like Joey wants to say more. "Joey chews this over..." makes me think he's going to say something.


All in all I think this is great stuff. Keep it up!


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Old 02-13-2005, 02:31 PM   #6
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Cyber, I agree with most of your comments, especially considering the last few lines. I don't feel like it's finished yet either, but I'm not sure what to do with it yet.
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Old 02-14-2005, 03:08 PM   #7
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What ever you do to this, don't change the title! It's rich with imagery!
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Old 02-15-2005, 11:08 AM   #8
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I added an ending that I think works a bit better; let me know what you think.
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Old 02-15-2005, 11:43 AM   #9
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I like the new ending. It does tie things up a little cleaner than the first go around.

I really liked how you managed to solidify Gramma's points and make her advice/reasoning 'right' with the rain coming at the end. Very subtle. Nicely done!
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Old 02-15-2005, 09:18 PM   #10
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yes, i have to agree with val. i like the ending better now...it seems to really come to a definite conclusion, whereas with yur first ending, i don't know, it just didnt.

right.

do you mention something about melting snow, though? cause i think that if its raining, then the snow's gonna be melting all along, and their footprints wouldnt be as crisply defined as you insinuate. i think.

~Crzy
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Old 02-16-2005, 12:26 AM   #11
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Crzy, the footprints are there, but they're not necessarily perminent (wow, can't spell).

Thanks for the comments. I didn't really have an ending the first time i posted it; i'm glad i have one now
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