So good or no good? - Writers Forum

chelseafagan · 02-10-2005, 08:33 AM

A poem I can't stop tweaking:

Kiss

Pretty dancer, you spin so fast
Let me blink my eyes
Pink ribbons cut into your legs
Loosen up your ties

Can you feel the cameras flash?
They've waited just to see you
Women sit with saggy skin
Wishing they could be you

An artist sits; brush in hand
Freezing you in pose
A poet traces you with words
Drawing you with prose

A young man stands; he's watching you
With eyes like sapphire pools
Your legs weave silver tapestries
Your fingers hold the spools

He dreams of lips that match your dance
Nimble, light and quick
You grand jeter across the stage
The air is cool and slick

You twirl and stop, a mild clap
The young man melts with love
His timid eyes must turn away
From the empty stage above

The theatre doors close after you
He's waiting for you here
Standing in the pouring rain
His throat is thick with fear

"Your dancing was so beautiful,
It almost made me cry."
The man said to the concrete
Oh, he's so profoundly shy

You pull him close and close your eyes
The most complicated step
Your lips are caught in sweet plies
Your tongue, a pirouette

A crecendo of the spirited
No violin could play
Prety gil, you've done so well
Learned one new dance today

chelseafagan · 02-10-2005, 01:53 PM

Respond, people. Damnit.

daniela · 02-10-2005, 02:55 PM

Sometimes it can take a day or more before you get a response. Here are a few tips to help you out in the future.

1. Even though you can post any type of writing in the C & A forum it is usually best to post poems in the Poetry forum.

2. In my experience you get more views and replies if you use a title in your subject line.

3. "So good or no good?" can be viewed as breaking the "no begging for reviews in your subject" rule. It is very close to the line. Some members won't respond to those who break that rule. Stick with the title and maybe what type of writing it is or any other relevant information.

4. I see that you have been commenting on the works of others, which does help, but you need to start making yourself known to the members who regularly comment on poetry. You can do this by posting and commenting more in the Poetry forum.

5. I strongly suggest you go look at this post that Spudley was kind enough to put together for new members if you haven’t done so yet.

--DM--

mammamaia · 02-11-2005, 10:13 AM

chelsea...

i don't see any problem with this being in the critique and advice section, since that seems to be what you're looking for... and i don't see your subject head as being a 'brag' but a title there might be a good idea, i suppose...

anyway, as to your poem... first i have to tell you that my youngest of 7 [6th daughter] was a professional ballerina, trained for 7 years at ny's sab, so this certainly brings back memories of the thousands of ribbons and elastics i probably sewed on in the early years...

it's a good poem and needs only a bit of work, imo, to be as fine as it deserves to be... i don't like to do detailed critiques in posts, and i mentor a lot of aspiring poets, so if you want some advice on tightening it up and correcting the few goofs i see, please feel free to email me, ok?...

love and hugs, maia
maia3maia@hotmail.com