aliceedelweiss

Hey, this is the first part of a story of mine. I'm just wondering if it's a good enough begining and whether it's written good enough to be a begining, or whether I should rewrite it. Also spelling and grammer I'm bad with so if you spot any of those I'll gladly change them. Just an over all reveiw is fine, hope it's not too long, and I tried to space it good. I just hope me posting all this doesn't annoy anyone, I know how sometimes "long posts" don't get Comments a lot. But of coarse, some times thats becase there not spaced right and all. well, thanks to anyone who comments.

-alice

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Transylvania, Romania- 1856

Traveling through the large city, the two angels made there way to the grave yard. “Now hurry up! You were only aloud with me because you’re training to be my second runner! Hurry up!” spoke The Angel of Death, Azrael.

Following closely behind Azrael was the young and shy angel, Bianca. She walked along slowly, finding the weight of their belongings too heavy for her own arms. “I am trying, Sr. Azrael, but your bag is too heavy for me,” she spoke softly, hoping she wouldn’t be scolded for it.

“You have come with me like I already said to become the follower of the Angel of Death. You will eventually become just like me; The Angel of Death. You don’t complain when you have to pull the body of a young child out of a hole because they feel there and died and you need there soul and can only reach it making touch with them. You just don’t complain. So don’t start now,” Azrael said. He walked further off, till they made it to the gates of the grave yard.

Azrael pushed open the gate, slowly, and looked around. It was cold and dark around them all; they could only be outside at night, Azrael’s wings were too large to be overlooked in a large crowd of people. Those that were out at night were drunks or prostitutes. No one would believe them. The grave yard appeared to have an aura of sickness and tragedy to it.

“Why must we come down to earth for the souls, Sr. Azrael? Don’t the souls come up to heaven and to the gates of gold?” asked the child. She set down the bags slowly, not to make a noise, and followed him in.

“We must come to earth because of what is happening. Many vampires have come to Transylvania for a large meeting of there’s. The human’s aren’t good enough at killing them and it takes so much blood to intoxicate them all. Blasphemous children of the devil himself…” said Azrael. He had come far enough into the Grave yard to find what they needed. He walked over first to the nearest body, and motioned to Bianca to come near. “Get my bags while I explain to you. The vampires, the way they kill the poor humans, make it nearly impossible for the soul to escape the body; especially if the vampires drink right until the death of there victim, which many do. No one is sure completely why we must get the souls ourselves, we just do it.”

Bianca brought over the trunks, and opened up one, leaving The Angel of Death to do his job. “So they trap the soul?” the curious girl asked.

“Yes, yes, for the last time. Now go take a walk or something, your presence is disturbing me and when I’m done here, I’ll go find you,” spoke up Azrael quickly. “Be safe, they’ll have me in deep if I come back without you!” he warned.

Bianca nodded simply and walked out from the grave. “I don’t like the graves, I’m glad to be out!” she hissed. She was young, prematurely young to be coming already to the face of earth. She barely had stubs of wings, not even rising over her head. Her hair was cut short, right in line exactly with her chin, and was a creamy beige color. She was short, only the height of 5’4”, and was thin in build and shape. To add to her white crisp gown she wore a pure ivory cross around her neck. It wasn’t just a small cross, but a large cross nearly 6 inches long and 5 inches across.

She skipped her way down the dark sidewalk as she hummed a tune to keep herself busy. She didn’t want to be around Azrael as he did his “magic”, she didn’t even want to be an “Angel of Death”. She just wanted to play all day and be able to have fun with her friends. She walked around in circles, spinning and singing. The sidewalks were murky, but the light of the moon was bright tonight, and she felt safe with that.

“I hope Azrael hurries up here fast, I want to go home, or at lest get out of Transylvania,” she spoke to herself, walking past the grave yard again. She was going around the block of buildings in front of the grave yard, because if she had gone any farther she knew Azrael would have been harsh to her. As she passed she saw the brief image of Azrael pulling bodies to one side, and working on the others. He seemed only to have a few left, from what she saw; Azrael was the best, more than ever because he was the first ever Angel of Death.

Bianca continued around the side walk, now walking slowly and staring up at the moon. Only down on earth for three days now, the large, silver-dished moon had enchanted her every night. She stared up at it in adornment, wishing she was able to see the moon every night. She knew that meant though, should would be human. She knew wanting something so foolish was just dreaming through a pipe; a very small pipe.

As she waltzed down the side walk, she didn’t notice the shadows growing behind her. She was paying no attention to anything around her. On her 2nd time around, though, she noticed the shadows had seemed to grow larger. The moon was in its fixed place, the shadows had no reason to grow. She stopped to ponder on the shadows for a moment, when without any signal, she fell backwards.

She screamed in fear, but it was muffled. She saw a dark figure creeping by her, holding her arms tightly, keeping her from getting free. “HELP, AZRAEL! Help—” she started to scream, before her mouth was covered with a cold, dry hand. She tried to fight back to her ever was holding her back, but she was too young, too weak.

“Shh…Bianca, quiet please. Hush yourself, I don’t mean to hurt you,” spoke a threatening voice into her ear. When she heard the shadow speak her name, she calmed, thinking maybe it was just Azrael. She knew right away though, that it wasn’t Azrael. His voice wasn’t so tight, so lifeless.

The hand finally slipped off of her mouth, and she felt it slid slowly down to her neck. She shrieked, when her mouth finally was free, and saw that she wasn’t were she had been. Her surroundings were an ally, even darker and more ominous than the sidewalks had been. She yelped quietly, but slowly, as she felt a sharp pain in her neck.

She felt dizzy all at once, and lost within herself. Her eye sight faded, and everything turned grey and then all at once weakened completely into black. The last thing she heard was Azrael calling for her, ask her where she had wondered too. When the pain subsided in her neck she also heard the threatening, dark voice whisper to her, “Darling, baby Bianca. Only a few more moments, just a few” after the voice spoke, she felt the sharp, cutting twinge in her neck again, only stronger this time. In her mind, everything faded.

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demonic_harmonic

oh dear, the first line and the thing with the grave yard, i believe this needs quite a bit of work. the first paragraph does.


even if your story is not cliche, this makes it seem as if were so. you need to make it more dramatic and attention grabbing. my god, its the angel of death, for crying out loud.


im really not trying to be harsh. but at the same time i feel i should be, because i dont want your story to be cliche.

demonic_harmonic

alright, on with some more critique:

You use Angel of Death too closely in succesion here. It feels redundant.


WHOAH... slow down with details!!! instead of having him say this and why she needs the soul and all, make it part of the narrative with no one speaking. this is just confusing and run on. i know he explains a bit more later, but still. its odd.



Hmm... you sure you want it to take place in Transylvania?


Theirs.


Prematurely young is a very wierd sort of way to explain this. do you mean she was too young to come to the earth already, but did so prematurely for a certain reason? elaborate.

Blah. Fix this. Something more like 'She knew, though, in order to see the moon every night, she would have to be mortal.' Or something.

I'm not sure I understand this line. this could just be me though.


Last thing I read, she was walking slowly.

both of these lines end in 'her'

this is confusing. do you mean who ever?


this doesnt sound very threatening.



you mean azrael's, correct? make sure to notify the reader of who you are talking about when you use he, she, ect.

to use 'all at once', she would have to be feeling several things. you could say 'she felt dizzy and lost withing herself and (something else as well) all at once'.


again, the phrase doesnt work here.


you've already said her eyesight faded. you should try to use a differnt word here.


i really think this needs to be more detailed and be taken a bit more slowly.


but i like your ideas so far. keep on. good luck and have fun.

aliceedelweiss

Thanks a whole much demoinic!!! I won't go through and just fix things, since there are so many, I'll just rewrite it. I really want this story to be good because, well, it's one of my more creative ideas, more elaberate. And, I don't mind you being harsh. I usued to be horrible with critism, I could never take it. Now i'm trying to at least think, "They want to help me, there just helping me out." so, thanks a whole lot and after a while I should have a new "part 1" and I guess I'll just post it up here that was I don't take up another Thread for it. again, thanks a lot! your a big help with ideas and critiqing(sp)!
-alice

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demonic_harmonic

no problem. i look foreward to reading the rewrite, as well.

aliceedelweiss

I'm lacking my descriptive moods...when i wrote that I didn't even think it was that good, since everyone of my frined(and dad, and some ppl online) say I am pretty good with creativity and description. I'm just being really bad at it lately, I need to get "in to the mood". lol.
-alice

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Tyson

Comma after Azrael.

What belongings? Explain what she has.

Put comma after me.

Did you mean fell?

Making touch? How bout something like touching them.

How bout all around them.

Capitalize earth.

When refering to people it is their's not there's.

Doesn't Death replace the devil? This just seems odd to me because I always saw God as God and with death he would replace the devil but this gives me a different perspective.

Just me, but I would say it the height of five feet four inches.

Huh? I have know idea what you are trying to say here.

This is not very descriptive, almost sounds rushed explain more. Make it more suspenseful.

In the last paragraph you put wondered too it is spelled wandered.

I like it a lot, there are some things to be fixed, but for the most part I really like it if you want more help you know how to get it . I agree with Demonic on a lot of it to she has some very good points that you should listen to.
Tyson

aliceedelweiss

I'm jsut gunna rewrite it. agfter "scanning" it, not really reading anything at all, I just don't like it...so, if anyone FEELS like critiqing it again, you can but it's goingto be a bit of a waist. I'm just going to rewrite it and take the comments abotu the work itself, rather than the words and sentences to fix. I just think I could have done a lot better than I had done, I must have just wanted to get it done ASAP. so i'm going to redue it, better, tonight. Expect an update maybe tomorrow.
-alice

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Tyson

Alright I thought that for doing it so quickly like you did it was a good start that's what I meant and yes you are right there is a lot to be fixed it does feel a little rushed. That's probably what you are feeling.
Tyson

valeca

to add..
Quote:
And after said..altho the whole arrangement of the sentence is choppy even with the comma's. Putting 'like I already said' in the middle of a sentence doesn't work very well.

BIG problem with the use of there, their and they're. They aren't interchangable. Need to make sure you're using the correct one in the correct place. There were several problems with this in the first 3 paragraph's. First one is in the very first sentence. Should have been their

Good luck

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"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.

Tyson

Yeah I commented a little on the there their they're things but that was a big one I saw.
Tyson

aliceedelweiss

thanks anyways, but I know that ^^, lol. yeah its pretty sad, I know where each one goes but sometimes I go fast and just put in one that I start spelling. but like i said i'm not evne using that anymore. Theirs realy no reason to edit it anymore...it's tossed.but still, thank you.
-alice

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Tyson

I wouldn't toss it that's sad, I made myself a promise, to never get rid of something cause you never know what may become of it.
Tyson

mammamaia

in re your writing in general, alice, it's clear that you do need to work on your grammar and spelling... good writing is grammatical and correctly spelled... otherwise, no matter how good the story may be, the writing is 'bad'... and poor grammar/syntax makes it too hard for the reader to 'get' what the writer is saying...

so, when you start a new piece, take more care with those vital ingredients of good writing, ok?... and always do a careful proofread before you post anything, so your work will be seen at its best, instead of with spinach in its front teeth and a slip hem showing, so to speak...

most, if not all good writers keep 'strunk & white' handy, as well as a good punctuation guide and dictionary... the right tools are necessary for practicing any art form... writing's no exception...

love and hugs, maia

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valeca

Don't toss it, just keep plugging away at it....but ....umm..call it a pet peeve or something..lol - you're still using the wrong 'there'..even in this reply.
You're welcome tho..hope you can make a go of it

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"...make your own nature, not the advice of others, your guide in life." --Pythia, Oracle of Apollo at Delphi

I'm here.