ani...
it's grammatically and structurally clunky, i'm sorry to say... and your rhyme scheme skids all over the place, virtually no stanza matching any other...
many of the word choices are off and the tone is so hopeless, i don't see how it will have any chance of impressing its intended recipient... except to make her cross the writer off as a witless wimp, perhaps...
sorry to be so harsh, but i sense this is important to you and would hate to see you shoot yourself in the foot when you want cupid's arrow to strike the heart of the girl of your dreams...
as i said in the pm, if you send it to me, i'll be happy to help you whip it into better 'valentine' shape, so it will have some chance to help you win your 'juliet'...
despite my great age [
], i'm still a girl at heart, so can give you some tips on how to break through...
hugs, maia
